To not want to move after saying I would??

[Tryingtobepatient001]

Morning Mumsnet community,

Would love a bit of advice or perspective here.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and in that time he's nearly always wanted to move to the US for work - his company's head office is there and for his career he is best to get promoted if he's there. They tried to move him in 2019 but the visa was rejected.

Fast forward 6 years and we're now married, have built a really nice life for ourselves and recently had a little boy. I've found it tougher than I thought I would and my friends and family have been massive support since husband has gone back to work.

Last week husband had his appraisal and was told they wanted to promote him and they could start the visa procedure. He told me this after his call and although they said he could take time to think about it, I'm pretty certain that he said yes we would be up for it. As soon as he told me I burst into tears as I realised I just don't want to move.

Here we have friends and my family, a gorgeous house and very comfortable lifestyle. If we move he will get a good payrise but I'm unsure if I'll work (can't for the first 6 months) - if I do it'll mean I'll have to put my LO into childcare and miss out on a lot due to long US work hours, but if I don't my life will be me and a one year old every day.

Husband doesn't seem to be able to see my perspective and said we've always said we would do this so I'm back tracking now. He also insinuated that if he knew I wouldn't go he wouldn't have married me/had a child. His career has always been really important to him and it's clear it's priority over what I want.

I don't know what to do. Husband is being pretty adamant that this is happening. So I either don't go and risk splitting up our family, or go and risk being really unhappy and lonely.

AiBU to change my mind on something now it's happening??

I wouldn’t be moving in these circumstances - the fact that after his visa was refused 6 years ago led you to deciding to move on and explore different paths, in my view, means this isn’t really even you changing your mind, it’s him putting something back on the table which you’d agreed wasn’t such a consideration any more. The risks are just too high, and that fact that this feels as though it’s rocked your marriage only increases that.

It wouldn’t necessarily be for you, but as an option, would you ever consider just him moving and negotiating with his work that he could work say a week a month remotely from the UK so you stay put? As the flight is so short and the time difference manageable it might be doable. You could use your leave to go over every other month or so too. I had friends when I was a child whose parents did this (though Gibraltar rather than the US) and it seemed to work well for them.

I remember another Mum here whose marriage had broken down while an ex-pat in the US, XH had refused to move back and refused leave for DCs to move back so she was in a very precarious situation. So check out Hague Convention issues as part of your homework (I am not a lawyer nor recall the details of the case but know I’ve seen it come up on Mn a few times over the years…as quite a longtime MNer).

Went through this with DH pre-DC. He was dead set on going. I was unsure. Agreed to go for max 2 years but only once I had found a job myself which didn’t take too long. We ended up staying for 12 years and had a great time. Find out what relocation support is available from your DC company. We got a week-long ‘look see’ visit before we agreed. Also relocation support for me and job search assistance if I would have needed it. Moved back after DC was born as wanted to be near family back home. US work-life culture can be tough but it’s manageable and I found a great support network of working parents. It is possible to find a nice family friendly company and a nice boss. It could be a great adventure! Also cost of living is so much lower you’ll notice the difference - we really felt it in reverse coming home. Good luck!