To not want to move after saying I would??

[Tryingtobepatient001]

Morning Mumsnet community,

Would love a bit of advice or perspective here.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and in that time he's nearly always wanted to move to the US for work - his company's head office is there and for his career he is best to get promoted if he's there. They tried to move him in 2019 but the visa was rejected.

Fast forward 6 years and we're now married, have built a really nice life for ourselves and recently had a little boy. I've found it tougher than I thought I would and my friends and family have been massive support since husband has gone back to work.

Last week husband had his appraisal and was told they wanted to promote him and they could start the visa procedure. He told me this after his call and although they said he could take time to think about it, I'm pretty certain that he said yes we would be up for it. As soon as he told me I burst into tears as I realised I just don't want to move.

Here we have friends and my family, a gorgeous house and very comfortable lifestyle. If we move he will get a good payrise but I'm unsure if I'll work (can't for the first 6 months) - if I do it'll mean I'll have to put my LO into childcare and miss out on a lot due to long US work hours, but if I don't my life will be me and a one year old every day.

Husband doesn't seem to be able to see my perspective and said we've always said we would do this so I'm back tracking now. He also insinuated that if he knew I wouldn't go he wouldn't have married me/had a child. His career has always been really important to him and it's clear it's priority over what I want.

I don't know what to do. Husband is being pretty adamant that this is happening. So I either don't go and risk splitting up our family, or go and risk being really unhappy and lonely.

AiBU to change my mind on something now it's happening??

You’ve known all along the main goal of his life was to move to and work in the USA.

You’re allowed to change your mind but it’s also allowed to be a deal breaker in the same sense being adamant your child free and your spouse changing their mind or the other way around.

His also allowed to be upset at the change of mind and be working out his options and working though if this is his deal breaker.

There are risks to moving aboard with a child, you could end up stuck in whatever country it is you move too if your spouse refuses to agree to the move back.

If you separate and he moves there is still a risk that once the child is old enough to have their voice heard in a court they decide they personally don’t want to come back to the U.K. and want to reside in America and then you become the parent with the child just visiting in holidays like the other parent had before.

Just spotted one of your updates OP.
"after the failed visa in 2019 it was agreed that we would move on with our lives as up until then kids etc had been put on hold."

So he agreed to change the original plan and you had a child because he'd agreed you would both move on with your lives and stay in UK.

I don't think he can just discount that in a discussion about whether you have broken your promise or not.. because he agreed to change the original premise.

Of course you can change your mind.
He sounds like a bully.
No way would I get stuck over there, prevented from moving home.

My friends sister is stuck over there with her 3 children.
He had a big job, they moved and she had to become a SAHM.
2 years in he was having an affair.
Marriage over and she is stuck there while he sees the children when he isn't travelling for work.
Absolute nightmare.
8 years before the youngest is 18.

No way would I even consider it.

I think these some of these comments are harsh. He doesn’t get to be angry at you and say horrible things.
You did support him, it didn’t work out and he agreed to shelf the idea.
The goal posts have changed as you now have a DC. You are not being unreasonable to say no to uprooting your life.

I also rely on my family support for our DD as my husband works really long hours so I completely understand your fear to lose that and basically solo parent without a village in a foreign country.

Thanks all for the comments and perspectives. The idea of being trapped there if it doesn't work out and not being allowed to bring my son back to the UK terrifies me and is definitely something I need to really think about. Even as soon as a month ago (son is only 9 weeks now) he was saying he was uncertain about moving if it came up, but now it's on the table that conversation seems to have been forgotten??

I think you agree to go on one condition.

Your DH agrees in writing that you try it for 12 months. If you aren't happy then you and your child will return to the UK and he can choose whether he returns with you or stays behind.

You rent out your house in the UK. Do not sell. Ensure your child has a British passport.

Then you get the agreement checked with an American lawyer to ensure it would be valid.

And if OP’s marriage ends (or she wants it to) after 12 months?

I think that's a good idea, although he won't be happy with it at all...

Pointless if it’d have no legal impact.

Well, it's either that or you don't go. He needs to compromise if he wants you to try.

Why not?

I couldn’t imagine living in a country where my children might be shot and killed whilst at school / out shopping / playing with their friends. Etc. Unthinkable. No chance.

Guns are the most likely cause of death for a person under 18, in the US.

This isn’t really a situation with true compromise options. All ‘compromise’ options such as returning after X time or in Y circumstances depend on her H’s future goodwill. If OP goes to the US then it’s probable her H then holds all the cards.

The US is very hostile to immigrants at the moment. He will get a payrise but your costs as a family will hugely increase. Housing, food, health care and childcare are very expensive.

Do the maths and you may well be worse off in terms of disposable income. Look at the rents in Boston. Would it make up for the loss of your salary? Could you afford to fly back for family events?

Edit: rent wise, you are looking at $2k a month minimum for a crappy 2 bed flat in a bad area. Houses, anything bigger or in nicer areas will be much, much more. Full time daycare will be average $4k a month.

Well that is just too bad op, there is no way I would agree to this.

There is one thing moving out there 6 years ago as a young couple with no commitments, and quite another to relocate now with a baby and no support network at all.

He is being supremely selfish. He is not thinking of your child. Or you.

You are not blessed or privileged to be with him, it seems he attaches very little value to your happiness and well being. Is he a narcissist by any chance?

Any agreement will not be worth the paper it’s written on.
Family court is a Lauren to itself around the world outside documentation even from police reports social workers Department of immigration it all counts for shit
I have seen people go into family courts with documentation to say that the mother has to leave the country within 30 days and then the judge adjourn for reports that will take 60 days. They just don’t think the outside rules or agreement apply to them. The judges are away with the fairies.
Nor is there any consideration as to how mother will live for the next 60 days, How is she financing that if she doesn’t have the right to work all of these things even when pointed out by mothers legal representatives just don’t land with judges

I mean, setting aside your personal circumstances for a minute, it seems like a really, really, really bad time to move to the US while Trump is in power - things have been so incredibly volatile in the short time he has been in charge, is he not worried about potential impact on jobs, housing, healthcare, safety, visas etc?? Has he even mentioned that side of it at all?

You weren't to know how things would be once you had a child. You're in a different situation now and can't be held to a decision that was made in different circumstances. I wouldn't go. Support from family and friends is worth much more than an increase in income. It sounds like it has been people other than DH who have got you through the hard times. I would take the risk of separation.

This is madness with all the immigration issues at the moment. Why was his visa declined last time and why does he think it will accepted this time?

First of all, congratulations on the new baby.

Personally, I think you should just give it a try. But having said that I'm not sure two months after giving birth is the right time to be making massive decisions like this (I appreciate that DH's employers have brought it up now).

Do the sums add up? Healthcare provided?

Massachusetts is a lovely part of the world, outside of Boston, which is also great (I'm just back from there), and doesn't feel Trumpy at all to me.

What a horrible dilemma fr you though OP. I feel for you.

Yeah - what happens if his job goes tits up?

The US isn't just the UK with apparently higher salaries and an accent. It's a VERY foreign country. And for a high flyer the culture around working hours is absolutely ludicrous (72 hour weeks anyone ? - Google it) .

Which means you really would be on your own. Who would have your back when you and/or your boy get ill for example. What would you do if someone in your uk family was ill and you wanted to return for several weeks to be with them? Etc etc.

There may be answers to these problems, possibly even reasonable ones. But your dh really needs to think all this through, as do you, and you need to be on the same page.

If you can't agree a solution that gives you confidence, you don't have to go. You can't stop him of course, but you each have the right to decide for yourselves.

The fact that you already know he won't be happy with this perfectly reasonable solution is worrying.

He sounds like he's railroading you. You are totally entitled to change your mind especially under these new circumstances with a DC and a life built. You have a 9 week old baby! This is a very vulnerable time for you.

I'll say again - you are allowed to change your mind.

Don't go. If you're miserable you won't be able to return with your child.

I would divorce rather than do this.

💯 agree a million times over.

Don't do this. Once there he can keep your child there. I doubt any prior agreement can override it. My cousin lost her son when she returned from the US. She couldn't bring him and I think as she was divorced without legal means to stay there she had to leave.