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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't like them and I don't know what to do about it

205 replies

Cupofdreams · 28/07/2025 21:57

My son is engaged to a lovely girl and we get on really well but I cannot gel with her parents and I don't know what to do about it.

Usually it wouldn't be a major issue as most families do not really spend much time with both sets of parents outside of formal events but future DIL is obsessed with us all spending time together and being one big family. The problem is her family is a lot for me.

I have horrendous social anxiety and am a massive introvert and they are the complete opposite. They also drink a LOT and the Dad gets very forceful and rather aggressive when drunk to the point he has often been asked to go home from the pub as he has caused trouble with other people there. The last time I spent the day with them was awful and one of the parents spent much of the time trying to force me to have alcohol (couldn't due to medication) and getting angry when I didn't.

Talk is already happening about the festive period and it is stressing me out. DS still lives at home with me still and I would be happy to have future DIL over for Christmas day or I am just as happy to spend part of the day with them and then them move off to her parents or me spend a different day with DS and him just go there but she wants us all together and the thought of having to spend every Christmas day with them in future fills me with dread to be honest but DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be.

Aibu to ask for advice how to navigate this going forward so that I do not lose any relationship with my son.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 28/07/2025 22:00

He cant dictate this so just say no, why is it so hard for people to use this word

Figcherry · 28/07/2025 22:02

Your ds is not the arbiter of how you live your life.

Just say no, that doesn’t work for me.

Cactus1008 · 28/07/2025 22:03

DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be

This sounds really controlling and no one should be putting you in this position, you have a right to say no.

Rizzz · 28/07/2025 22:05

How does your son not know you have horrendous social anxiety and are a massive introvert?

Remind him and tell him you're happy for them to socialise but you don't want to, regardless of what her family are like.

DoneitagainhaventI · 28/07/2025 22:07

Your son must be very aware of your social.anxiety and the fact you are an introvert.
Your son should explain to his fiancee that you don't feel comfortable in big family gatherings. So that when you say no to these occasions she and her family will accept it's not meant as a snub.

ConcernedOfClapham · 28/07/2025 22:07

’DS has already made this clear that this is how it’s going to be’

I’m sorry - what?

😳

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 28/07/2025 22:09

Does your DS know you have social anxiety? If so, then his fiancé can know too. I’d just say you find them overwhelming. Obviously they are very rude (pressuring someone to drink alcohol is massively out of order), but I understand not wanting to upset anyone by saying this. I think having some prepared responses for when you do have to see them could also help. I’m normally able to think of useful suggestions for stuff like this but it’s past my bedtime and my brain isn’t cooperating. Hopefully someone more with it will be able to help.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/07/2025 22:11

DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be

Fuck that, he's not the boss of you...tell him no and have a serious word about his shit attitude. Controlling little shit

BruFord · 28/07/2025 22:15

Be honest with your DS and explain that you prefer a quiet Christmas so you won’t be going over to her family. You’d love to see him and DIL over the festive period for a special meal, they can let you know when would suit them.

Don’t let yourself be pressured into this, it’s not fair. 💐

huuskymam · 28/07/2025 22:16

If my da told me how I would be spending Christmas and made a point of saying that's how it's going to be, he'd be laughed at and told to fuck right off. Is he usually so controlling.

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/07/2025 22:18

No, you don’t have to do this. It’s really unfair to expect that of you. I don’t join in other people’s Christmas things, I like to spend the day with my two kids and anybody I choose to invite but I wouldn’t be forced to spend it in the way you describe.

Original poster
Cupofdreams · 28/07/2025 22:18

He absolutely does know. I am in therapy currently for issues relating to my MH and very severe social anxiety.

Just to be clear as to DS making it clear that this is how it was going to be, I don't mean he is telling me that I have to go and cannot say no and I have said no many times to evenings it out with them but more along the lines that if I wanted to spend time with him on special occasions then it would involve them and high amounts of pressure for me to come and me being made to feel like I am odd or unreasonable for not wanting to go.

OP posts:
Andbegin · 28/07/2025 22:20

Oh give over.
You’re his mum not his bestie. Regardless of social anxiety you do not have to spend Christmas with anyone you don’t want to.
Your son and his girlfriend can come to you Christmas Eve or Boxing Day like many families do. You spend Christmas with people you like or by yourself.

If you are worried .. book a holiday. Nothing better whilst everyone here is in Tesco for the 8th day running, in the cold and rain, stressing about forgotten presents.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/07/2025 22:21

So he's a manipulative little shit too?

AllHoityToity · 28/07/2025 22:21

I wonder if you have social anxiety because the people in your own family are treating you poorly. What he is saying to you and how he is behaving is not the normal way that people speak to their mothers.

He has a girlfriend, she’s not your girlfriend.

CoralOP · 28/07/2025 22:22

Release yourself of the social pressure and expectation. This is mostly coming from inside you.
They can ask if you are coming to events/Christmas, you then decide yes or no.
They can ask again and again if they want but just look at them confused and ask why they keep asking the same question over and over, pass on some of your discomfort.

Zov · 28/07/2025 22:22

Blimey @Cupofdreams you need to nip this in the bud NOW. Your DS has no right telling you what to do. Most people have nothing to do with their DC's partner's family. I think it's actually really weird to mix with them - unless you live 10 minutes walk from them!!!

My DD was with a bloke for 3 and a half years, and I really didn't like his family. His mum and dad were very showy, very braggy, had top/name brands of everything, and a £50K car, and 3 homes - the big 5-bed one they lived in, one they rented out to private let tenants, and the other was a holiday cottage in the South Of France. They were very materialistic and had parties 6-8 times a year, and invited about 100 people each time. I don't think I have known that many people in my life LOL.

We are very quiet and private and introverted, and HATE the party lifestyle and braggy, showy people, so we pretty much refused to see them socially. DD was quite peeved, but we didn't want to and we kept refusing. When DD split with said boyfriend, she admitted she wasn't crazy about them either really, and it was them pushing for us to socialise with them. About a year later, her ex's parents declared bankruptcy. Covid finished them off. They had a sum of debt in the low-mid 6 figures, and the wide boy side businesss they had (cash in hand) went under. So it was all fake wealth anyway!

AllHoityToity · 28/07/2025 22:22

He sounds like an insufferable knob head.

spoonbillstretford · 28/07/2025 22:23

Be honest and say she seems a lovely girl but I can't fucking stand her parents who are loud obnoxious drunks and bullies and I won't be ever cosying up to them. Also that he should have a serious think whether he likes her enough to have Christmas at Chav Towers every year. Of course they are welcome to you but you won't be going there.

DoneitagainhaventI · 28/07/2025 22:23

Cupofdreams · 28/07/2025 22:18

He absolutely does know. I am in therapy currently for issues relating to my MH and very severe social anxiety.

Just to be clear as to DS making it clear that this is how it was going to be, I don't mean he is telling me that I have to go and cannot say no and I have said no many times to evenings it out with them but more along the lines that if I wanted to spend time with him on special occasions then it would involve them and high amounts of pressure for me to come and me being made to feel like I am odd or unreasonable for not wanting to go.

Really?
How absolutely unpleasant and uncaring of him.
I would be disgusted if my son thought that was an acceptable way to behave. Not only to his mother but towards anyone suffering from the very debilitating condition of social anxiety.
He should be ashamed of himself.

Cynic17 · 28/07/2025 22:25

You can do what you want, OP - you're an adult. Book yourself a lovely holiday over Christmas!

Doingmybest12 · 28/07/2025 22:25

I think you might have to accept that what they want is not compatible with what you need to do. Be polite , say thank you but that doesn't work for you. Suggest an alternative that is reasonable. A quick hello visit at theirs or out somewhere and an excuse to leave fairly quickly when you've had enough and invite him and future dil to yours without her parents and they can choose to visit or not. Sounds like a rocky road ahead.

autienotnaughty · 28/07/2025 22:26

Well you can say no but the consequence of that is that you will see less of him.

id compromise, agree occasionally but not everytime . With Xmas say to his gf you just want a quiet relaxed one at home just family and would she like to come over Boxing Day after she and ds have spent Xmas day with her family. If she agrees your ds will just follow her!

3luckystars · 28/07/2025 22:26

Just say he can visit you by himself in the morning. Ask your therapist for one liners to have ready. You do not have to spend any time with them at all. Send a card instead.

outerspacepotato · 28/07/2025 22:28

"DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be."

You son sounds like his future FIL dictating your life. Do you realize how controlling he's being? He and your future DIL do not get to dictate to other adults. How old is this guy?

First. You decide where you go. DIL's plans don't work for you. She may want to "play" at happy families, but her dad is a shitshow all by himself and you don't have to be around him. She wants a show without reality.

You realize that someone who insists you do something when you've already said no is controlling, right?

The drink issue is big. If FIL to didn't accept my first no, I would get very loud. "Stop trying to force me to drink!" Drop the drink on the floor. You don't have to be polite to rude assholes trying to force alcohol into you.

Avoid them. They are going to try to run your life to their liking and you're going to have to shine up your spine.

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