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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't like them and I don't know what to do about it

205 replies

Cupofdreams · 28/07/2025 21:57

My son is engaged to a lovely girl and we get on really well but I cannot gel with her parents and I don't know what to do about it.

Usually it wouldn't be a major issue as most families do not really spend much time with both sets of parents outside of formal events but future DIL is obsessed with us all spending time together and being one big family. The problem is her family is a lot for me.

I have horrendous social anxiety and am a massive introvert and they are the complete opposite. They also drink a LOT and the Dad gets very forceful and rather aggressive when drunk to the point he has often been asked to go home from the pub as he has caused trouble with other people there. The last time I spent the day with them was awful and one of the parents spent much of the time trying to force me to have alcohol (couldn't due to medication) and getting angry when I didn't.

Talk is already happening about the festive period and it is stressing me out. DS still lives at home with me still and I would be happy to have future DIL over for Christmas day or I am just as happy to spend part of the day with them and then them move off to her parents or me spend a different day with DS and him just go there but she wants us all together and the thought of having to spend every Christmas day with them in future fills me with dread to be honest but DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be.

Aibu to ask for advice how to navigate this going forward so that I do not lose any relationship with my son.

OP posts:
elderlyparentshelp · 28/07/2025 22:29

You can say no. I would however think about the potential implications of this for him and you over the longer term. The older I get the more I realise how important family is. So if you are going to say no, I would work hard to find a way to say it that doesn’t upset DS, DIL or her parents as life is so much easier in general if you can stay on good terms with people!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/07/2025 22:33

Any chance you can piss off the other family? Totally kidding (sort of).

A couple of thoughts in no particular order:

  • your relationship with him is going to evolve
  • just like it’s not fair for him to dictate the terms of how and when you see each other, it’s not fair for you to do it either.
  • Compromise by you and him are going to be needed
  • to a certain extent you are borrowing trouble. Let it play out after the wedding. you never know what will happen

Good luck!

AngelinaFibres · 28/07/2025 22:33

elderlyparentshelp · 28/07/2025 22:29

You can say no. I would however think about the potential implications of this for him and you over the longer term. The older I get the more I realise how important family is. So if you are going to say no, I would work hard to find a way to say it that doesn’t upset DS, DIL or her parents as life is so much easier in general if you can stay on good terms with people!

Family is important.
If those people are arseholes then family becomes considerably less important

Original poster
Cupofdreams · 28/07/2025 22:35

elderlyparentshelp · 28/07/2025 22:29

You can say no. I would however think about the potential implications of this for him and you over the longer term. The older I get the more I realise how important family is. So if you are going to say no, I would work hard to find a way to say it that doesn’t upset DS, DIL or her parents as life is so much easier in general if you can stay on good terms with people!

This is exactly what I am struggling with. They are getting married, they are talking about children. He's the only family member I have left and I don't want to lose everything because of social anxiety.

OP posts:
GulliaumeDuc · 28/07/2025 22:36

You need to get some agency and assert yourself. If you don’t want to do something, you don’t have to. I get you are concerned about losing him but what’s the point if you make yourself utterly miserable in the process?

Marmalade71 · 28/07/2025 22:38

How in character is this behaviour from your DS? Is it possible he’s being controlled too?
Regardless, he doesn’t get to dictate how you spend Christmas and who with.

PBJSnackBar · 28/07/2025 22:42

I’d deal with this on a case by case basis, do what you feel comfortable with and stand firm, but don’t upset them as they are your only family.

No reason why you can’t say things like:

Thank you, I’d love to come to yours for Christmas but I’ll only stay a couple of hours as I find it overwhelming when there are a lot of people etc

No big fuss, stating the facts clearly, but also showing willing.

Also you can occasionally say “No thank you, I don’t think I will attend that as I think I will find it too stressful”

AcquadiP · 28/07/2025 22:46

In my experience, people who put pressure on others to drink alcohol do so because they drink too much. Anyone who cannot drink without causing trouble in a pub or becoming aggressive in general is drinking too much. I don't think you are going to change the father's attitude. I'd give him a wide birth.

Grammarnut · 28/07/2025 22:46

Figcherry · 28/07/2025 22:02

Your ds is not the arbiter of how you live your life.

Just say no, that doesn’t work for me.

OP can say that if she wants to offend her DS and DiL. She needs to learn to negotiate people not isolate herself - which will be the end if she cannot socialise occasionally with DiL's family. Just say 'no' is impossible in this particular reality.

Studyunder · 28/07/2025 22:47

Sending you a big hug! If you’re not a big party person then that’s who you are and there’s nothing wrong with that. Hopefully your therapy will help you learn to accept this and improve your ability to be comfortable with yourself. You’re the most important person in your life- you can’t get away from yourself so like and love who you are.
It’s exhausting to battle social anxiety and dealing with it uses up your reserves. All the willpower in the world can’t suddenly make you superwoman with an energy shield and new found tolerance for dickheads 🤷🏼‍♀️
Chat with your therapist. Decide tactics to cope with small amounts of exposure and more tactics to decide and set your boundaries. I know it’s easier said than done but practice makes it easier over time.
once you know your own boundaries and believe in them, it can almost be easier to stick to them sometimes as you know where the line is. The difficulty is making yourself heard. If others aren’t able to listen or respect your choices- that’s who they are. You can’t please everyone and some people you can never please (especially people that can’t accept others not drinking which gives me the rage).
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

ByPeachScroller · 28/07/2025 22:49

How old is he?

BruFord · 28/07/2025 22:49

Grammarnut · 28/07/2025 22:46

OP can say that if she wants to offend her DS and DiL. She needs to learn to negotiate people not isolate herself - which will be the end if she cannot socialise occasionally with DiL's family. Just say 'no' is impossible in this particular reality.

Show quote history

@Grammarnut I think that she can explain to her DS that she prefers a quiet Christmas and would like to spend the day on her own, rather than in a big group.

NeedZzzzzssss · 28/07/2025 22:52

Kindly, you say you have social anxiety so can I suggest it is a you problem and they probably aren't as bad as you're making out? Can't you just suck it up occasionally or else get some kind of therapy. As you said the relationship with your son is at risk so that should be good motivation

AuntMarch · 28/07/2025 22:52

Given he knows about your anxiety I think it is fine to just say that being in a larger group all day is going to be too much for you, you'll feel uncomfortable and in turn worry you'll make everyone else feel awkward too by not being able to mask it, and could you possibly do something ourselves another day in the season.

Original poster
Cupofdreams · 28/07/2025 22:56

To answer questions
They are both mid 20s
DS is not usually controlling and is trying to please his girlfriend.
The irony is if it was anyone else but girlfriend and her family he would also struggle.

OP posts:
IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 28/07/2025 22:59

They also drink a LOT and the Dad gets very forceful and rather aggressive when drunk to the point he has often been asked to go home from the pub as he has caused trouble with other people there. The last time I spent the day with them was awful and one of the parents spent much of the time trying to force me to have alcohol (couldn't due to medication) and getting angry when I didn't

I am an extrovert and have no social anxiety. I awould not spend time with drunk, aggressive boors.

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 28/07/2025 23:00

Cupofdreams · 28/07/2025 22:35

This is exactly what I am struggling with. They are getting married, they are talking about children. He's the only family member I have left and I don't want to lose everything because of social anxiety.

Show quote history

Is it literally just you and him @Cupofdreams? Could it be that he’s found a big noisy family who have embraced him and he’s really enjoying having a taste of that sort of family life… he doesn’t want to leave you out but can’t now imagine having a very quiet eg Christmas just you and him and his gf?

I have a very small family and sometimes think how lovely it would be to be part of a bigger clan. (Not that the gf’s dad sounds nice and it’s horrid of them to put pressure on anyone to drink.) I am sure you can find a compromise if you’re happy to see your son briefly or on a separate day but accept that his family celebrations may look very different to your preferred way of doing things. He may be very torn between feeling obligated to look after you and spend time with you whilst longing for the bigger crowd. So his solution right now is to take you along with him rather than listen and work out with you what might be a better way forward in the future.

Original poster
Cupofdreams · 28/07/2025 23:03

I did add in the post that I am in therapy currently already for this reason. I am aware a lot of it is my issue. I cannot even travel outside of a couple of mile radius where I am familiar with at the moment. It is pretty bad.

I also compromise and have as I said above been out with them to try and make friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupofdreams · 28/07/2025 23:04

Sorry that last post was in reply to needZZz. I meant to quote it.

OP posts:
Apocketfilledwithposies · 28/07/2025 23:06

I'd just state you're happy to spend time with them as a couple but aren't up for whole family get togethers while you are struggling with your mental health. I'd also drop into convos about being an introvert and being able to manage an hour or two in a group setting tops. Lots of talk about social battery, etc. If your ds enjoys the bigger get togethers then how lovely for him, isn't it nice he has the best of both worlds family wise etc etc.

Make it about it being a group get together of more than a couple of people, rather than about your future DIL's parents not being your cup of tea.

TBH there's probably not many that would find them their cup of tea from your description. But I'd keep that completely to yourself.

You may well find that you end up with the boxing days rather than the xmas days for example. But xmas days with adult children are never a given regardless. They could be working, too far away, uninterested etc. I think this is important to have in mind as our kids become adults.

Original poster
Cupofdreams · 28/07/2025 23:09

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 28/07/2025 23:00

Is it literally just you and him @Cupofdreams? Could it be that he’s found a big noisy family who have embraced him and he’s really enjoying having a taste of that sort of family life… he doesn’t want to leave you out but can’t now imagine having a very quiet eg Christmas just you and him and his gf?

I have a very small family and sometimes think how lovely it would be to be part of a bigger clan. (Not that the gf’s dad sounds nice and it’s horrid of them to put pressure on anyone to drink.) I am sure you can find a compromise if you’re happy to see your son briefly or on a separate day but accept that his family celebrations may look very different to your preferred way of doing things. He may be very torn between feeling obligated to look after you and spend time with you whilst longing for the bigger crowd. So his solution right now is to take you along with him rather than listen and work out with you what might be a better way forward in the future.

Show quote history

Yes just me and him. Possibly although he has said he finds the Dad difficult and gets stressed by him when they are out and the Dad is drinking.

Honestly fhough he does not have to take me with him. I have tried to make it clear that if he wants to go to theirs I won't be offended.

OP posts:
ForFunGoose · 28/07/2025 23:10

PI would compromise and go for 3 hours to each even and then go home. No need for you to stay to witness the messy drunken scenes.

SkintSingleMumm · 28/07/2025 23:12

Sounds like her parents have alcohol issues when you say they drink a lot and got upset with you when they tried to get you to drink and you couldn’t. Thats because you not drinking is making them feel uncomfortable about how much they drink.

could you compromise re Christmas eg go out for food eg a pub so you can leave afterwards?

BunnyLake · 28/07/2025 23:14

ConcernedOfClapham · 28/07/2025 22:07

’DS has already made this clear that this is how it’s going to be’

I’m sorry - what?

😳

Yes, what the heck is this! I’d be telling son that no, actually this is not going to be how it is. I’d rather spend Christmas alone. Since when do kids (of any age) dictate how it’s going to be!

TheSilentSister · 28/07/2025 23:15

Going forward OP, you need to work on this for your own sake and for the relationship with your DS. I say this lightly as I don't know what happened to you.
We all have our own battles and I find the ones that are most likely to be overcome are the ones that affect our children, doing it for our children etc. It really could be the life changer that you need.

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