I really don't like them and I don't know what to do about it

[Cupofdreams]

My son is engaged to a lovely girl and we get on really well but I cannot gel with her parents and I don't know what to do about it.

Usually it wouldn't be a major issue as most families do not really spend much time with both sets of parents outside of formal events but future DIL is obsessed with us all spending time together and being one big family. The problem is her family is a lot for me.

I have horrendous social anxiety and am a massive introvert and they are the complete opposite. They also drink a LOT and the Dad gets very forceful and rather aggressive when drunk to the point he has often been asked to go home from the pub as he has caused trouble with other people there. The last time I spent the day with them was awful and one of the parents spent much of the time trying to force me to have alcohol (couldn't due to medication) and getting angry when I didn't.

Talk is already happening about the festive period and it is stressing me out. DS still lives at home with me still and I would be happy to have future DIL over for Christmas day or I am just as happy to spend part of the day with them and then them move off to her parents or me spend a different day with DS and him just go there but she wants us all together and the thought of having to spend every Christmas day with them in future fills me with dread to be honest but DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be.

Aibu to ask for advice how to navigate this going forward so that I do not lose any relationship with my son.

It think it’s strange that he wants this. My toddler dd doesn’t see both sets of grandparents together at Christmas.

If he treats his future wife the way he's treating you, you have little to worry about: the marriage will be over in a short time.

Maybe so but the son is completely lacking in respect and consideration for his mother. There’s no way the OP should put up with it!

Start as you mean to go on. If you allow yourself to be bullied into their social demands at the start it will get harder and harder as time goes on to set your own boundaries.

I would loathe a boozy loud boisterous anything your son should appreciate that this is not how you are or will be.

Try to set (your rightful ) preferences on how you want to interact with them, by firstly explaining to your son why this situation is difficult for you and that you dont want this to affect your time and interaction over the years with him and his future wife. Im sure he wouldnt like to be told who he had to celebrate Christmases and birthdays with for ever more.

Limit her family coming to you. If you have to go to them that is easier because then you get to choose when you can leave. Be the 'driver' so you don't 'have' to drink and have solid set limits on a leave time before going or accepting invites. If you do this often enough they'll all soon get the message.

Lots of people are criticising the son here but I think he’s trying to look out for his mum, his gf and himself. It’s just not going well.

I was the only dc of a single parent, we were a tiny family. During my 20s, I was in a relationship with a man with a more traditional family. Christmases do become tricky because if you choose to spend it with your oh family then you’re essentially leaving your mum on her own or to make her own plans. I also tried to encourage my mum to join us but like OP she declined. She didn’t have social anxiety, she was very gregarious in fact, but just preferred to do her own things eg plans with friends rather than spend Christmas with people she didn’t know that well and wasn’t hugely keen on.

I suspect the son is anxious about leaving his possibly fragile mum on her own but equally gf is reluctant to give up every other Christmas with her large sociable family to spend it with bf’s quiet mum so is trying to make the best of both worlds not really understanding the implications.

Give is needed from all sides. OPs DS needs to be reassured that OP will be ok and is happy to be left on her own or to make her own Christmas plans most years.

OP maybe needs to give Christmas with the in laws a go once every few years to make DS happy. Even if it’s just Christmas lunch. Maybe try it this year. Just for 2-3 hours.

GF needs to accept that OP struggles to be part of noisy gatherings and not push too hard or expect to much.

OP- talk to your son. Manage his expectations but give a little. I agree with the pp who says it’s probably a novelty for him to be embraced into a larger family, don’t shut yourself off completely to spending time with them.

Oh ffs, just say no. Nicely, but say it. You don’t want to go. Or do go if you want to see him, as it sounds like he will be seeing them regardless. Up to you. Maybe try a bit of a compromise to start with and if it’s still excruciating then stop. Talk to him, explain, then stop - you don’t have to justify yourself.

I hope he considers the impact this noisy drunken grandparents might have on any future DC.

No amount of therapy will change your nature. The therapy may reduce the social anxiety (therapy doesn't work miracles, you may still struggle), but it's not going to make you love boozy, loud family gatherings. That's not how shit works.

You don't have to go. You just explain to your son that it's not your idea of a good time, you can't pretend or force it, and that you'll see him when he makes time for you around special events separately. If lovely girlfriend is upset about it, sit her down and explain it's too much for you, but you love her.. If she really is lovely, she should understand too. I would hope they both make good time for you regardless.

Wow. I wouldn’t exactly say you’re covering yourself in glory here.

Honestly, stop making this about your social anxiety and make it about them trying to force alcohol on you and other boundary-stomping. You are not required to socialize with people who invade your peace. Let DIL know that you’re very happy that she loves her family and you will be pleased to see everyone at the wedding and future family events, but she needs to stop forcing a relationship that isn’t going to happen. You are entitled to live life your way and have no intention of forcing your views and way of life on her family and expect to be treated with the same respect.

Bloody hell, some of these responses are awful.

The DS may not be a controlling, manipulative knobhead, but someone who knows he is the only other person the OP has in her life. Imagine the pressure of that. He is faced with leaving his DM alone or being with his fiancée at Christmas. I’m not surprised he is pressuring her to join them. I would not enjoy a festive day knowing my DM was all alone regardless of her protestations.

OP, there are so many threads here hating on MILs so try and think about how lovely it is that your future DIL wants you to be there with them. I get that you’re struggling right now but the mere fact that she wants you there is a really good thing.

This is weird
In 35 years of marriage my parents met my in-laws once
It didn't go well
So we didn't do it again
My son and daughter are in long term relationships ,never met their parents and don't intend to either ..at a wedding or a christening it would be inevitable,but otherwise no.
Your son ,op ,does not get to dictate who you spend Christmas with ,or any time with ..he is being a bully trying to force you

I think it’s really important for you to separate the two issues q

1. You have social anxiety. You’re aware of it and working on it but it will take time.
2. These particular people sound dreadful and like people to be avoided - social anxiety or not. I wouldn’t want to spend time with angry alcoholics either.

you keep saying you’re somehow to blame but that’s not fair. These people are aggressive, loud bullies and you’re well in your rights to avoid them.

• this is not your social anxiety, the family aren't nice
• try to attend each event for 2-3 hours only. Attend early before the alcohol kicks in
• your sons relationship with them will crumble at some point in the future if the dad continues to be an aggressive drunk. The wheels will come off *lie and say you're happy to socialise for a few hours but then you will need to retreat for peace and quiet

I think what they're trying to get across here is that they'd rather mix with people with a bit more modesty rather than bragging about what they have to everyone who will listen. It's ok to be proud of what you have worked for but it's not ok to put price tags on things and rub people's noses in it.
Modesty is underrated.

I think what they're trying to get across here is that they'd rather mix with people with a bit more modesty rather than bragging about what they have to everyone who will listen. It's ok to be proud of what you have worked for but it's not ok to put price tags on things and rub people's noses in it.
Modesty is underrated.

Well, it came across as Schadenfreude to me.
Nothing wrong with modesty. But smugness in the face of someone’s misfortune is never good.

I agree with a lot of this but equally while the DS is struggling to navigate it hes on the wrong side of history

I'd also stop being hard on yourself amd also try and focus on this isnt necessarily a forever thing.

I'm a massive extrovert and would dread / wamt to avoid what you describe- the dad sounds like a arsehole!
Is the mother any better? Could you stomach some "ladies days" or outings?

Christmas (& my peace) is important to me so honestly I'd let him have it and go to inlaws. Have a Chris's breakfast with him and send him.off to the GF.
If you want to see the GF invited her for a Christmas eve get together or whatever. If she declines - fine.

Stay in therapy though and work on your boundaries.

Your son can say it "has to be everyone together"... but they actually cant make anyone do anything and it would be insane to go NC because you prefer a quite Christmas.

Where is your DH in all this?
What does he think?
Because if it were my family and my DH in your situation I be telling my DS/DD to have some cop on and stop fraying his poor father nerves with unreasonable demands.

Invite the family to church on one day, if it is possible, an Orthodox one. The dad will become as peaceful as a dove. Many good people are opposite when they drink alcohol, but this is because alcohol is not for them, actually for no one.

Work on your anxiety OP, you don't want to miss out on being with ds and future gc .

Most people just alternate Christmas. There’s no need to get your family and in laws all together.

Just say no to Christmas. He's the one in a relationship with her, not you. They aren't your new family. I don't think it should matter that you don't like them but only if you stand up for yourself. It's not a given that you would all just get together for every occasion. Obviously you can't avoid them all, the wedding, birthdays, events of any future grandchildren etc. If you had other kids with partners you couldn't spend time with them all.

You say your son’s gf is lovely. I would get her on one side, explain the full extent of your illness and that you are having treatment and taking medication. Say you are grateful she is trying to include you in her family gatherings but that it is really causing you problems. Ask her to please let you give her and your son smaller gatherings that you can cope with. Explain that you are worried about alienating your son but that he really doesn’t understand how bad you’re condition is and ask her to support you in keeping gatherings small and/or short. If she really is nice she will help you this. Your social anxiety is a brilliant excuse for limiting contact with people you really don’t like.

This is also a good non confrontational approach.

Go to the source

It’s not just about social anxiety, I don’t have social anxiety and I wouldn’t want to spend every special moment or even much time with her parents, getting angry that you don’t want to drink is disrespectful and ridiculous. They sound like nightmares tbh.

And frankly so does she if she turns a blind eye to her parents behaviour and continues to insist that you must play “one big family” with them. I wouldn’t be surprised if she uses access to grandkids as retaliation against any boundaries you try to put up with her parents.

If I were in your shoes I would try to attend once in a while but definitely it every invite or event and maybe start pushing back against his behaviour to set boldness early on.