I really don't like them and I don't know what to do about it

[Cupofdreams]

My son is engaged to a lovely girl and we get on really well but I cannot gel with her parents and I don't know what to do about it.

Usually it wouldn't be a major issue as most families do not really spend much time with both sets of parents outside of formal events but future DIL is obsessed with us all spending time together and being one big family. The problem is her family is a lot for me.

I have horrendous social anxiety and am a massive introvert and they are the complete opposite. They also drink a LOT and the Dad gets very forceful and rather aggressive when drunk to the point he has often been asked to go home from the pub as he has caused trouble with other people there. The last time I spent the day with them was awful and one of the parents spent much of the time trying to force me to have alcohol (couldn't due to medication) and getting angry when I didn't.

Talk is already happening about the festive period and it is stressing me out. DS still lives at home with me still and I would be happy to have future DIL over for Christmas day or I am just as happy to spend part of the day with them and then them move off to her parents or me spend a different day with DS and him just go there but she wants us all together and the thought of having to spend every Christmas day with them in future fills me with dread to be honest but DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be.

Aibu to ask for advice how to navigate this going forward so that I do not lose any relationship with my son.

I married into a family of introverts.

I was keen and eager for mine and my DH's families to get on and gel. After a few times I just knew they weren't into socializing. It's not difficult to pick up on this vibe as they sat in the corner and didn't speak at all.

I invite everyone for Christmas, sometimes they come for a few hours, then leave. That's fine.

Just establish now how you want to be on going. Hopefully your stbDIL has enough emotional intelligence to realize that not all families are the same and that's ok.

Son needs to understand not to force the issue.

Tell DiL about the social anxiety.

Consider a compromise- my suggestion is Christmas morning or Boxing Day morning coffee and mince pies, and exchange a small gift. Why? Because nobody stays long in the morning especially if they’re keen to get on the pop, so you make your social contribution and they then all bugger off and leave you in peace.

Final suggestion- you book yourself a silent retreat over Christmas. There are a fair few available and lots of people choose that time of year to get away and do something purely for them (I seem to know more and more people who admit to not liking Christmas). Cut out the drama by simply being unavailable.

But I also think son and DiL both need to know about your anxiety anyway. You can then continue to enforce your boundaries around when, where, and for how long you’ll socialise.

Yep, this is what I would do. Be honest OP!

Dear DS,
I would love to spend some time with you over the festive period but FFIL’s behaviour when drunk is frightening and I don’t want to spend any time with him so please let me know when is good for you and DIL to get together with me.
love your DM

Please don’t be pressured into spending time with people who make you uncomfortable, life is too short for that.

A lot of mention about your DS on this post when it’s actually clear his gf is the driving force! He’s only saying this is how it is because he wants to keep his gf happy. He needs to stop being a pushover himself.

This. My sister is very sociable and packs more into a week than I do in a year. She tried to involve me in everything 🙄 but I just said no I am busy.She would say I haven't even told you when😂 eventually she got the message. You also could make some plans to divert the main problem times, eg New Years Eve.
My son has been with his partner 13 years and I have only seen his MIL once, she didn't speak and his FIL once gave an unasked for opinion 😐. That sealed it. Your son is getting into a new family through his choice NOT you.Tell him to back off.

Be very straight say “I’m not going”

Chav Towers

I can understand OP because I’m a people pleaser and struggle with assertiveness

However DON’T GO

I think your son needs to be a more considerate. Presumably he knows of your issues and how difficult you find social occasions.

Compromise and grit your teeth and agree to one get together. I don't see why as noone would expect anything more over such a busy period. One that isn't Christmas day.

Your future DIL will have to accept that life isn't all big happy families all the time.

I don’t have social anxiety and what you’ve said about the gatherings would have me on edge too.

can you find a compromise, such as you go to theirs for a set period of time, always have something that means you drive (so no drinking), and have to leave at 8pm?

My dd only has capacity for social events and people for a certain amount of time. She’ll often come home from being with friends and say her social bucket is full and will take herself off for a few hours.

Id explain to DS that you do want to be involved, but find their company over whelming so will take part, but only for x hours. Or arrange to have them over for lunch rather than tea.

You don’t have to like them, just socialise when and if you want.

The best way to play it is that you just don’t like big group social events. I don’t either and try and avoid though occasionally suck it up
and manage by just not staying very long. No need to be specific by saying you don’t like the FiL (who sounds insufferable tbh)

i’d be a bit worried that she is controlling him tbh and he is projecting a bit

btw I’ve been with my husband 17 years and both sets of parents have met less than 10
times. Engagement, Wedding, two Christmases where we hosted both families and a small handful of other occasions to do with the kids. They live half an hour apart.

Just say no, you won't be doing that.

Do you have a car? If so, then use it to come and go when you say you are OK to. You need to set a pattern in the early days or else these overbearing people will start to rule your life with your son. Imagine if children come along. Use a phrase or some excuse that you just keep repeating. Get in your car and go home. If no car and you can afford a taxi, then use that, if not, get a bus timetable. Ask to go and lie down if they overwhelm you, say you get exhausted very easily, have migraines, vertigo, whatever excuse you can come up with to keep the time short. While you are with them grey rock them.' I'm fine thank you' If they try to ply you with drink, leave it stand and say you don't feel like it. If they harrass you, say, I'm fine thank you. You may come across as standoffish but better that than being steamrolled into a corner.

He probably is struggling then.
sounds like it’s the gf under her families control.
standing up for yourself might empower him / them to do the same

Thus isn't normal in my experience. I've been married three times and the only time the families met were at the weddings. Same for everyone I know.

I think you should speak to your therapist about this. This family sound like they would stress out the average person who doesn’t have social anxiety, so being with them could actually make your recovery harder.

On the other hand you could use them as a stress gauge. Feeling anxious about going to the supermarket or meet a friend for coffee? How much easier & more pleasant is that than spending the day with the Loud Family?!

Dont criticise DIL’s family even to DS because he will give some version of it to DIL who will be offended. Just say you are finding large gatherings too overwhelming (which is true) and your therapist has said to take that pressure off for 6 months and work on other things.

It’s really not normal to try & blend families at Christmas. I guess they feel bad that you’d otherwise be on your own. Stick to your guns & they will get used to it.

the thought of having to spend every Christmas day with them in future fills me with dread to be honest but DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be

He can’t dictate anything, make that clear to him. I say this as a parent of adult children. I’d laugh at them if any of them did this to me.

So basically he is telling you that you have to go isn’t he? You’re going to be pressured and made to feel odd if you don’t comply.

OP you have to take a stand now, or this is going to be your life. Take both of them aside and explain very clearly that you don’t intend to be pressured into anything. That you’re in therapy for a reason and that you have no intention of compromising your already fragile mental health by giving in to what is essentially blackmail.

And l for one don’t think your future DiL is as nice as you think. Sounds to me as though she’s exerting her own pressures on your son to get what she wants, regardless of anyone else’s wants or needs, and your son is so besotted he’s willing to go along with it. Tell them it’s simply not going to happen and let them get on with it.

Spending a lot of time with them and your son isn’t necessary. Let him go, find your own life and friends and you won’t have to!

OP I really feel for you, what a nightmare situation.
I think just be honest with everyone and say you suffer from really bad social anxiety which you are in therapy for but for now you cannot cope with social gatherings. That's it, no drama, no offence, no doing anything you cannot do as your therapist has told you not to put yourself through it.
Seriously, honestly is often the best policy, they will either understand and be sympathetic or they won't but either way you get the outcome you want which is to avoid.

There is definitely middle ground and hopefully a way you can avoid the alcohol pressure (it’s not right, but it’s easier to avoid than confront sometimes).

how about you propose that son and gf host an Xmas breakfast that both sets of parents attend? Then they’re welcome to spend the day with other parents (and when it comes
to kids this could work well). to encourage this tell them you’ve already spoken to X friend/realtive and you’d feel happier with them as it will be a quiet one (possibly say they’re alone and you’re helping out? Doesn’t have to be the full unabridged truth)

I would be a little bolder in my terms, if you can possibly do that. I don't mean rude, just assertive. I'd say something along the lines of

"I'm really looking forward to seeing you two at some point on Christmas Day but I can't spend the entire day with your extended family because I've committed to going to church / a food bank / a homeless shelter to help out. How about we have a breakfast together here, you go onto the IL's and I'll go onto my commitment"

Something like that. Just get it agreed, so you don't have to throw any last minute spanners in her works, as it were.

Or you can be up front and explain you are an introvert and get knackered after 2 hours in anyone's company. Personally I'd have to go home and take a nap, but we're all different.

You need to start laying out some clear but positive boundaries now.

Just say no. Decline invitations. Explain why to DS and gently take future DIL aside and say you don’t think these get togethera are necessary outside of christenings, weddings and milestone birthdays. Explain you're quiet and not a big drinker, that it’s not personal but you’re not a big mixer. If your future DIL is less obnoxious than her awful parents then she’ll understand. Make sure your DS stands up for you.

Don’t be browbeaten.