I really don't like them and I don't know what to do about it

[Cupofdreams]

My son is engaged to a lovely girl and we get on really well but I cannot gel with her parents and I don't know what to do about it.

Usually it wouldn't be a major issue as most families do not really spend much time with both sets of parents outside of formal events but future DIL is obsessed with us all spending time together and being one big family. The problem is her family is a lot for me.

I have horrendous social anxiety and am a massive introvert and they are the complete opposite. They also drink a LOT and the Dad gets very forceful and rather aggressive when drunk to the point he has often been asked to go home from the pub as he has caused trouble with other people there. The last time I spent the day with them was awful and one of the parents spent much of the time trying to force me to have alcohol (couldn't due to medication) and getting angry when I didn't.

Talk is already happening about the festive period and it is stressing me out. DS still lives at home with me still and I would be happy to have future DIL over for Christmas day or I am just as happy to spend part of the day with them and then them move off to her parents or me spend a different day with DS and him just go there but she wants us all together and the thought of having to spend every Christmas day with them in future fills me with dread to be honest but DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be.

Aibu to ask for advice how to navigate this going forward so that I do not lose any relationship with my son.

Just a thought Op, I wonder if the GF Dad has always been a problem drinker, the rest of his DC now choose to stay away but the GF has made herself into the role of family peacemaker. If she's grown up feeling she has to be there, maybe for her DM, that's why she wants you all there to help

She lives with her parents still too and that seems to be just what they do Christmas day. They hand out presents but don't open them together and they make Christmas dinner but didn't sit down to eat it together. The previous year she had another sister at home still so someone to spend it with but they have moved out so she was alone with them. Then she rang DS and we were sat together having lunch and opening presents and it bothered her I think.

I really hate that people think the norm should be for everyone to be extroverts in a noisy, busy environment! It's so unnatural! Different strokes for different folks and nobody needs to come out of their shell or do anything different to what they enjoy.

I think you need to push back at your son and just say that you don't enjoy it, so you won't be doing it. Emphasise that you are extremely happy in your own company and don't feel the need to be around lots of people. He doesn't need to give you a second thought...tell him to go and enjoy himself and that you don't want to be part of it. It's kind of them to invite you but no thank you. This is the life that he's chosen for himself...he doesn't get to decide yours.

Your son wants you there as a buffer, a spare body to absorb the dysfunction and chaos so he doesn’t have to. The fact he thinks his pressure tactics are reasonable suggests he’s used to you swallowing your own discomfort for his benefit.

Tell him the truth, which is his discomfort about Fil behaviour is not your problem to deal with, you wont be used to absorb it, and you wont be playing happy families. It’s not normal to do this. He’s welcome to spend his time with people like that, he’s welcome to pretend if he wants, but you don't owe it to him to play along.

If he needs support to be around them, perhaps he shouldn’t go either.

That’s really odd

Beyond odd!

I replied to this but cannot see the response so apologies if you get it twice. No DS Dad is not around sadly. It is just DS and me.

That's the point I want to get to. I will be there for all important events like christenings, weddings and whatever else whether I struggle or not. I don't want to change anyone's plans or routines. I am not going to sulk if I am left behind alone . With other things I just want the freedom to say no if I cant cope with it without being made to feel awful for it or pressured into it.

If this is what you’ve taken away from OP’s post and updates then you clearly haven’t understood. At no point has OP said she only wants to see him on his own. OP has MH problems. She isn’t obliged to set herself on fire to keep others warm.

DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be.

Like fuck would I have my son dictating to me!
This is one of those occasions where 'no' is a complete sentence.

It is odd!
I think the big family get together is probably be led by DIL rather than them.

Yes, if my son was doing this I’d give a firm no then change the subject. Each and every time. This would be to set my own boundaries and to make clear ‘this lady’s not for turning’ (😐).

I would remind your son that he knows you have anxiety and struggle in social situations so it is unfair for him to be pressurising you to mix with her family when he knows it causes you stress.
Reiterate that you are happy for him to do whatever suits him and will not be upset if he wants spend Christmas etc with her family but it’s not for you given the circumstances.

They sound awful, you don't have to have social anxiety, to want to stay away from people who bully you to drink alcohol. I would just tell your son that his fiance is lovely, but you don't want to spend your time being a member of her large family. My parents only ever saw my inlaws at my wedding, I think. I don't see the parents of my sons partner very often and never at christmas. We are cordial, and would speak on the phone to coordinate child care etc. But we don't socialise.

Do you have problems with comprehension? OP never said they will have to spend all day with her nor complained about not getting enough interactions!

If OP's son is an adult setting his boundaries then so should OP. She must not be bullied into doing anything she does not want to do. She also doesn't owe anyone any explanation. The son needs to grow up and deal with his future in laws by himself.

That is really odd and I really feel for your ds gf. That is no way to spend Christmas, in the same house but doing everything apart. It sounds she feels obligated to be with her parents as she is the last one left at home. She was probably upset by you & your ds spending time together as that's what she wants, and maybe feels sad about what she is missing. I suspect her relationship with her parents is difficult and they make her feel she needs to be there.
I think you need to invite her round for more meals and general time together there. It might give her the impetus to say no more Christmases like that again.

Maybe to break the habit of your son not wanting to leave you alone on Christmas day consider volunteering for Crisis or another of the charities that offers support to homeless people at Christmas. There might be also be a meal arranged locally for elderly people on their own if Crisis locations are too far away for you.

Alternatively recruit a friend to either come over for Christmas day or for you to agree to tell everyone you're spending the day together while you're both at home alone with your own choice of snacks and telly.

Eventually you can perhaps encourage your son and his fiance to have Christmas day in their own house, not seeing either side of the family.

I saw the phrase 'she wants us all together' and feel your son is being pressurised by her to make it happen. But surely most families alternate hosting at Christmas, one year with parents', one year with in-laws? That's what we did. I would have put my foot down if I had to be at my in-laws every time. The whole family sound bossy as hell.

Was going to say exactly this. Sometimes even close family members can't grasp the extent of a loved one's issue and he maybe thinks he's just giving you a little encouragement to deal with it all, not realising he's bullying you.

That was the one thing that leapt out at me and apparently nearly every other poster too! 🙄
Her son appears to have very little regard or awareness of how the OP feels which in one way is strange but not in another as he is a male after all and when young they are not well known for their observational skills or perception!! 😏
There is no easy way out for her, she just has to put her foot down and stick to her guns or she will indeed be railroaded into years of social purgatory with future DIL's far from ideal sounding family...😱

You tell your ds firmly and clearly that you do not enjoy huge noisy family events and that, while he and his girlfriend will always be welcome into your home, you will not be attending the big family get togethers. Thanks for the invitation but no.

And you repeat that calmly over and over, until he takes it on board. Don't budge. Don't give an inch. He does not get to dictate how you live your life.

Your son is telling you how its going to be?? Are you insane, I would never take an order from any of my children its a No. I would rather spend the day alone than with people that disregarded my boundaries and wont accept a no.

Spending Christmas day slice isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. I did it once because I was ill and didn't want to spread my germs it was actually really nice.

Learn to say No. It's the best word of all because it enables choice.

A PP mentioned dealing with this on a case by case basis, and I completely agree.

He is free to organise social occasions with his in laws as he chooses. You are free to consider any invitations to these events as they arise, but you will not be pressured into accepting them if you don't want to.

You may find it easier as you get to them a bit better and/or develop better coping strategies.

I'd tell DS that you have been invited to spend Christmas day at a friend's house OP. Little white lie.