I really don't like them and I don't know what to do about it

[Cupofdreams]

My son is engaged to a lovely girl and we get on really well but I cannot gel with her parents and I don't know what to do about it.

Usually it wouldn't be a major issue as most families do not really spend much time with both sets of parents outside of formal events but future DIL is obsessed with us all spending time together and being one big family. The problem is her family is a lot for me.

I have horrendous social anxiety and am a massive introvert and they are the complete opposite. They also drink a LOT and the Dad gets very forceful and rather aggressive when drunk to the point he has often been asked to go home from the pub as he has caused trouble with other people there. The last time I spent the day with them was awful and one of the parents spent much of the time trying to force me to have alcohol (couldn't due to medication) and getting angry when I didn't.

Talk is already happening about the festive period and it is stressing me out. DS still lives at home with me still and I would be happy to have future DIL over for Christmas day or I am just as happy to spend part of the day with them and then them move off to her parents or me spend a different day with DS and him just go there but she wants us all together and the thought of having to spend every Christmas day with them in future fills me with dread to be honest but DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be.

Aibu to ask for advice how to navigate this going forward so that I do not lose any relationship with my son.

“she wants us all together and the thought of having to spend every Christmas day with them in future fills me with dread”

OP, you are a big grown up person, and you really don’t have to do this. The fact that your future DIL has been allowed to call the shots like this does not bode well for the future. Tell your DS that you simply do not want to become enmeshed with his future wife’s family, and that you want the Christmas you are used to. I take it you live reasonably close to your DS’s future in-laws? If so, it’s not at all unreasonable to ask that they come and see you on your own before going off for the full drunken family Christmas at her house. This will become all the more important when they have children - naturally, a daughter gravitates towards her own mother, but you will be just as much of a grandparent as she will be. You really need to lay down a few ground rules, otherwise, as you say, you’ll be sucked into the vortex of their family and there’ll be no escaping it.

Apologies I haven't read the whole thread so the same point may well have been made but: I expect there's a degree of your son trying to act the big man in advance of getting married in the way he's 'telling you how it's going to be'. I bet that after a few of these special occasions where he's with his wife's family but not with you he'll see things differently, and that he's been a bit of a dick with how he's conducting himself at the moment.

Your son is still quite young and maybe he simply can’t bear you to be left out now he has found the girl he wants to spend his life with.
Maybe he is urging you to take a few social risks in a family situation where he is there to help you along, so that you can gradually get better. He wants you to be able to share his joy. He can’t bear you, his only family member, not to be at his wedding. Do you think that might be his rationale ?

Your social anxiety is crippling, I understand that. Shrinking from it and doing nothing to combat it isn’t moving you forward. But maybe a couple of tiny steps before Christmas will help you to be able to spend an hour with them in that family group, to exchange gifts. Is there any way you can work with your therapist towards that OP? Maybe you could invite the gf and her mum to tea as a starter to get to know her a little bit.
Then you could build on it, again in small steps, so that you will eventually be able to attend your son’s wedding.

If you share your aims and goals toward better mental health with your son, he could explain the extent of your illness to his gf and then her family could be more understanding.
Wishing you the best with your recovery. x

Op I am going to suggest that this is definitely going to sort itself out in time to some degree.

The father is already stressing out your son, he doesn’t like going out with him. At some point it is likely that they will be spending less time with such a drunk if they have a newborn baby for example, the girlfriend has grown up with her father she knows nothing else, she probably isn’t aware of how bad her father is, but there will be a turning point.

Would it help to acknowledge that he is drunk for a reason? Drinking to this degree is a coping strategy for trauma. So is being over loud etc. Why not look past the drinking and get to know the man behind the alcohol. He sounds damaged and troubled. Someone that should be in therapy himself.

In your position I would go for an hour or two on special occasions, and be very clear and honest about the other times that you don’t be going. Tell your son and his gf that you prefer a quiet life, that you love seeing them but find large busy occasions overwhelming.

You will become invaluable to them as a trusted babysitter, a quiet place to come for dinner when they are tired with children. In time you can create a beautiful, calm child centred house that will be a relief to your son and his gif as they become parents.

You will all adjust eventually. You will attend the important things - you need to push yourself to do so understandably, but for everything else just be kind but firm, and thank them for thinking of you.

You need to be more assertive with your son. You can say how happy you are that he has found the love of his life, but highlight that you will continue to enjoy a quieter life whilst still supporting him.
He needs to learn to respect your choices and decisions.

You need to have a stern word with your son.

Don’t hold back there, will you @spoonbillstretford 😂

But you’re absolutely right.

DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be

Stop pandering. Whrn did adult children start making decisions for their fully competent parents? Say no. No one will die.

OP..you are getting yourself stressed and worried over the pressure that you are going to be put under under.
As another mumsnetter says .ask your therapist for one liners.
Try to have other arrangements made in advance.
They must be incredibly thick if they don't understand that medication and alcohol don't mix. Some people think that you can't be enjoying the unless you've had a skin full.
Keep on refusing the invites.
And your son could be a little more understanding too

Obviously you don't go if you don't want to and that's your choice.

But your DS and his GF want to go every year and are planning to, and that is their perfectly reasonable choice.

You cannot expect them to change their plans and miss out on what they want to do if you have been invited to be part of it and have declined. It is your valid choice to not go, just as it is their valid choice to go.

So, by all means, stand your ground and decline. But accept that your choice means no more Christmases with your DS, GF, and with your future GC, You don't get to force/guilt them into spending Christmas with you when you've declined a shared Christmas.

I think it's reasonable for them to invite/offer that you join them every year, but you always have the choice to decline. You don't, however, get to re-organise their Christmas plans to suit you.

I agree with others that while your social anxiety must make this harder, don't give it all the blame as it's perfectly reasonable not to want to spend time with loud, obnoxious people who pressure you to drink and get aggressive.

Can you set firm boundaries, such as 1-2 events a year where you attend but reserve the right to leave when you want to (e.g. when people get too drunk or aggressive)? That number is only if you want to, by the way - you can attend none. But if you don't attend any you may see your son less, so there's a choice there.

That said, it's also perfectly reasonable to want to see your son one-on-one sometimes. It may be difficult for the actual dates of things like Christmas when he may want to be with his girlfriend, but can you establish some kind of regular catch up just the two of you? That way, even if you miss the big holidays (and that is still okay to be sad about) at least you'll have had a chance to be with him in another space.

What kind of a mum asks her son to visit by himself in the morning ? Thats a disgusting way to behave towards your dil who is doing nothing but making all the families be together regardless to op not wanting to this, dil is doing the right thing... and if op is more focused on having her son all to herself then its going to be a lonely road for her because its not likely her son is desperate to have alone time with mummy as a grown man!

Her son lives with her, I was just suggesting they spend a bit of time together on Christmas morning and his girlfriend calls over, then they could head off to her parents then.
The OP is in therapy and doesn’t have to spend time with this other family if she doesn’t want to. It sounds like the father especially stresses her out.

Sorry if I worded my post badly.

OP, you seem to be blaming your SA for not wanting to spend time with these people. I don’t have SA and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near them. I’m not dismissing your SA but stop putting all the responsibility at your own door. They sound bloody awful and it’s ridiculous that anyone expects you to spend Christmas with them.

First of all, it's perfectly okay to not want to spend special occasions with people you don't like, social anxiety or not. Pressuring you to drink is absolutely not on.

Secondly, once you are done with therapy, you might find it more tolerable or even enjoyable to do it occasionally.

So I think you should tell your son that you will not be doing this while you are still dealing with high level anxiety. You might consider some social engagements with them in future depending on how you feel. But you are not going to commit to it becoming a norm/tradition. You won't be upset if he chooses to spend more time with them and he should respect your decision.

Also op, your son is allowed to embrace his new family, his new life. Maybe he is setting the tone now because he enjoys a larger family if it has just been you two to now. He doesn’t want to feel pressured into staying with you.

Don’t start making him feel guilty for going at Christmas etc - if you don’t want to go - fine - don’t go but you can’t insist he has a quiet Christmas with you. Nor can you keep his horizons small just because yours are. He needs to grow and expand, enjoy his life.

Can you be honest with your son when he is on his own away from his fiancé. Say that you want to be involved and you live his partner but find her parents overbearing and explain about the drinking etc. I bet he has noticed their bad behaviour too. Then you can say to him you will come to some things but not every single time, and say you would like to do separate things as well. The problem is when families start off all gung ho like this saying let’s do Christmas together etc, when the inevitable fall out comes or people decide they don’t want to do it anymore it causes more upset than necessary. Just tell him you can do some things all together and some things separately and play each event by ear. I bet he understands. It sounds like your son and his fiancé have got a bit overexcited and want everyone else to be a big extension of their relationship.

DiL wants everyone together. That’s the right thing for her, but clearly not for OP. And maybe read OP’s updates - she’s made it clear that she won’t be offended however her son and DiL want to spend Christmas, and that she’ll join in when she feels able, so it’s not a case of her wanting him to herself. DiL is clearly influencing OP’s son to get what she wants so l don’t think she’s as lovely as everyone thinks. And he’s in thrall to her at the moment because the relationship is in its infancy - that will change and she’ll have to adapt. She needs to learn to respect other peoples boundaries and understand that she can’t ride roughshod over the needs and wants of others to get her own way.

Where has OP said any of this ? In her updates she’s said quite the opposite.

I never said they all have to be together till the end of time. I said its not nice to call your son over on his own.

I actually think OP has suggested this too in her updates - she doesn’t seem to have a problem with fitting around their plans with DiL’s family and will make time to see both of them, but she doesn’t want to be pressured into joining in with the whole family.

I think DiL’s family sound like hard work, regardless of any social anxiety OP has and pressuring her into drinking alcohol against medical advice, then getting angry because she won’t is really unpleasant - l doubt l’d want to spend special occasions with them, especially where alcohol is involved.

I’m really surprised that OP’s son is so in thrall to his fiancée that he’s prepared to try to coerce his mum into doing what DiL wants, despite knowing it will impact on OP’s MH - especially as OP says he finds DiL’s father difficult himself. I think at some point someone needs to explain to DiL that, in the words of Mick Jagger, you don’t always get what you want, and you need to consider the needs and wants of others who may not want to play happy families for reasons of their own.

But OP hasn’t suggested this anywhere in any of her posts. She’s quite happy to facilitate whatever they want outside of her spending time with the whole family.

Your DS needs an honest conversation with his girlfriend about the fact that not everyone is going to want to keep socialising with her family, particularly her obnoxious Dad. If he is already struggling with them, the problem is only going to get worse. If she can't accept that, maybe she's not the right person for him.

I am reading through everyone's replies now but just to be absolutely clear that I have not tried to make them reorganise their plans to suit me or guilt tripped them. I have openly told DS to go and spend the day with them. I genuinely don't mind. I am not religious and it is just a day. The three of us had arranged a meal together a couple of days before Christmas which I was happy with and was supposed to be instead until the Christmas day pressure started again.

The only guilt tripping has come from DS who when I told him id stay home started saying that if I did not go then he couldn't go then and he would have to miss out because it would be too awkward for him to explain why I wasn't coming.

I have had the future Grandchildren thrown at me also.

The irony if this was something their family just did and all the other siblings and grandchildren got together Christmas day and it was the staus quo then I would be more understanding but it isn't. The other siblings and grandchildren either don't visit at all or briefly and never Christmas day. I know for a fact last year DIL ate Christmas dinner alone in her room and was upset about it because I invited her here...

Can you book a trip away just for you so your rather silly son can go to his in-laws guilt free?

Why can’t he just say mum likes to be in her own home at Christmas? That’s how I spend Christmas, I don’t want to be in anyone else’s house on that day.

That’s really strange. Why would he need you there with him? Is he your carer?

why would it be awkward to say why you are not coming ? ‘Mum has other plans with her family’ or ‘mum sits in eating selection boxes in front of Die Hard all Christmas day, I’m not interfering with that!’

Let him off by himself and don’t let anyone pressure you. Good luck.