I really don't like them and I don't know what to do about it

[Cupofdreams]

My son is engaged to a lovely girl and we get on really well but I cannot gel with her parents and I don't know what to do about it.

Usually it wouldn't be a major issue as most families do not really spend much time with both sets of parents outside of formal events but future DIL is obsessed with us all spending time together and being one big family. The problem is her family is a lot for me.

I have horrendous social anxiety and am a massive introvert and they are the complete opposite. They also drink a LOT and the Dad gets very forceful and rather aggressive when drunk to the point he has often been asked to go home from the pub as he has caused trouble with other people there. The last time I spent the day with them was awful and one of the parents spent much of the time trying to force me to have alcohol (couldn't due to medication) and getting angry when I didn't.

Talk is already happening about the festive period and it is stressing me out. DS still lives at home with me still and I would be happy to have future DIL over for Christmas day or I am just as happy to spend part of the day with them and then them move off to her parents or me spend a different day with DS and him just go there but she wants us all together and the thought of having to spend every Christmas day with them in future fills me with dread to be honest but DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be.

Aibu to ask for advice how to navigate this going forward so that I do not lose any relationship with my son.

if I did not go then he couldn't go then and he would have to miss out because it would be too awkward for him to explain why I wasn't coming.

I have had the future Grandchildren thrown at me also.

With this information i think your DS is the problem.

Its too awkward to say one sentance 🤨

say directly to the GF "I'm happy for DS to spend Christmas day with you. You know my anxiety is bad and so we like a quiet day at home we will see you on boxing day. Im sure your parents wont mind at all"

Re kids
He could be infertile. He has no idea whether they can even have children.... so what hes going to do? withhold his imaginary children from you???
this is nonsense and emotional blackmail

He needs to get a grip.

Not my carer
I think he would feel guilty if I was home alone and he was out with them.
I dont care about being home alone.

I am reading everyone's replies and advice and taking it in so thank you everyone.

Honestly I think you need to try and remember that she likely won’t always be this way. Some things I think are worth noting:

• she’s likely excited because they’re getting married and it’s all new etc; in time I expect this will fade and you’ll all find a rhythm less intense!
• what a positive thing that she wants a strong family group / close unit. If she has your grandchildren this will be a great perspective for you all to enjoy. There are often threads of Grandparents being shut out - this sounds unlikely in your case! How nice.
• if you respond negatively to her efforts; she will think you don’t like her. If you can’t face her family; the very least you can do is to make a huge effort with her; lunches or days out etc and explain you get nervous with a lot of people but you are so happy she is joining your family with your son.

and a final thought - maybe your son has chosen her because he likes the idea of a lively family group.. I honestly think you can keep some boundaries in place if you really have to but still be enthusiastic and make a nice effort. I think many many MILs would be jealous to have such a willing DIL! try and see the positives Xo

Tell him that you really don’t mind and that you’re going to treat yourself to some nice chocolate, lovely food and a favourite tv show. Tell him you’re an adult and you don’t need mollycoddling. It’s nice that he cares you’re not alone but he’s expressing that care in an immature and manipulative way.

Regarding Christmas - you can definitely say no and that it’s not your thing! My response was more a general approach rather than just about Xmas. You can do Xmas with them in many moons to come! You can say no and your son can still go, end of.

Is it possible he wants you there for moral support because he also finds them too much. A case of he needs his mum but is too embarrassed to say truthfully why he’s so desperate for you to be there?

I think he's got an easy life with her. She will lead on everything (such as social life, where they live, family support for grandkids) . All he needs to do is nod and tag along.

@mrsm43s

"You cannot expect them to change their plans and miss out on what they want to do if you have been invited to be part of it and have declined. It is your valid choice to not go, just as it is their valid choice to go. So, by all means, stand your ground and decline. But accept that your choice means no more Christmases with your DS, GF, and with your future GC, You don't get to force/guilt them into spending Christmas with you when you've declined a shared Christmas."

What are you talking about. The OP hasn't asked them to change their plans. She's expressly said that she's more than happy for them to spend Christmas with the in-laws but she doesn't want to spend every Christmas day with them. She'd actually be happier on her own. Why the fuck should she spend every Christmas day with them? Most people don't have one big blended Christmas. It's usually taken in turns between each side of the family. But you think everything should be done exactly how the girlfriend's parents want and sod whatever the OP wants?

The best way to play it is that you just don’t like big group social events.

I agree with @Clearinguptheclutter , this is the line to take so it’s not obvious that it’s also because you don’t want to spend Christmas at Chav Towers. Great name! 😂

Your son says that he’d feel guilty leaving you so what you need to do is keep reiterating that it’s your preference, you like being home alone, rinse and repeat. Say that a quick call from him on Christmas Day would be lovely but that’s all you need.

I wouldn’t mind spending Christmas on my own tbh. I’d do exactly what I wanted!

Get some loops earplugs!
I didn't realise how much noise triggered me and it really helps in social situations. I also leave when I want to. You could tell him you will attend but you'll be leaving when you've had enough.

It sounds like you have some trauma leading to this severe social anxiety. Have you tried EMDR? It isn't just for PTSD.

I am ND and I also get social anxiety bad so I can relate. This is probably bad but I fake it until I make it (typical masking) but I leave when I want now. If I don't then I burn out.

I don't understand why they can't take turns? Like one year with you and one year with her parents. I reckon it will all stop when they have kids anyway as they will want to spend time with their kids.

Don't let him tell you what to do though. If you go then fine but on your own terms too.

I keep asking for EMDR but they keep sending me for CBT which isn't helping as I am also neurodiverse and struggle to explain the feelings and thoughts for each step that they want.

I do have loops so that is a good shout and yes I do have some trauma that has caused a lot of this.

Actually, no sorry.

The son has made it clear that he's going to be spending the whole day with his partner. His partner enjoys spending the day with her parents. So the son is making it clear that's where he's going to be, and OP is invited.

She doesn't want to do this. OP wants to see them on their own, then have them leave and go on to DIL parents on their own. Or OP wants them to come alone, to hers all day.

OP admits she declines the other social events throughout the year as well.

The son is simply putting across that he's an adult, making his own choices, and OP is welcome to be part of those, but he's not prioritising any more of her "I'm only seeing you on your own" because her needs don't trump his. It reads like OP is then guilt tripping them that she won't see her own son at Christmas (when she declines that as well as the other invitations). Hence his more abrupt "well if you want to see more of us this is how it happens." Sounds like he's tired of OP declining everything then complaining she's not getting the interaction she wants.

The son is just setting boundaries for his own life. Mum shouldn't be making him feel bad because she doesn't partake in what he wants for his own life. He's not forcing her.

I do think the moral support is possible. He finds the Father very difficult and me being there would deflect the Father to me rather than DS (from experience)

OP wants to see them on their own, then have them leave and go on to DIL parents on their own. Or OP wants them to come alone, to hers all day.

"I'm only seeing you on your own" because her needs don't trump his. It reads like OP is then guilt tripping them that she won't see her own son at Christmas'

Where have I said any of this?
I specifically said I was more than happy to spend Christmas day entirely on my own and encouraged him to go to hers.
I said I am not religious and it is just another day. DS lives with me so I see him anyway.
I've not asked her to come to mine and then go to theirs nor have I said come to mine all day.

The meal I mentioned a couple of days before with just the three of us was DILs idea because she is coming and staying over for a couple of days and thought it might be nice instead of cooking every meal.

Start as you mean to go on Op, if you don't enjoy her families company then only see them when it's essential. Your DS isn't being fair trying to blackmail you into going, if he can't cope on his own he shouldn't be marrying into her family. If you go every time they'll expect it always, don't start a habit you'll hate

Don't you just hate it when people invite you to parties. Wankers!

So glad you had the joy of witnessing the downfall of these revolting, friendly people.

I don't think therapists write the best jokes tbh. I think OP should ask her butcher to come up with the one liners.

If you are on about my first post I was literally saying that I'd have been happy with whatever they chose to do whether that be coming to me for the whole day, the part day or not at all. DS has decided he wants to go to theirs instead since. The only kick back he has had from that is I don't want to go myself. I repeated multiple times above that I've encouraged DS to go.

Sounds like he's tired of OP declining everything then complaining she's not getting the interaction she wants.

I thought I had made it clear in later posts that I am not fussed the slightest about interaction. I did not go new years Eve. A very busy loud pub isn't my scene. DS went and spent the new year with them and I went to a friend's. I was just happy not to have to go with them.

I’m not sure if setting a butcher on FIL is bit of an extreme way of solving the problem…. Could make a nice steak & ale pie though.

but DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be.

Good grief, he's your son not your jailer!

You are an independent human being not simply an extension of your DS.

It's your life, and if things work out it will be the rest of your life so woman up!

"That doesn't work for me."

No not that but what about xyz the next day/week"

"Not my thing/scene/vibe but I know you'll enjoy it."

If needs must be busy with other things.

Again, this is your life. Of course you can sacrifice your independence for your DS if you wish but it really doesn't sound like that would be a happy choice for you.

The irony if this was something their family just did and all the other siblings and grandchildren got together Christmas day and it was the staus quo then I would be more understanding but it isn't. The other siblings and grandchildren either don't visit at all or briefly and never Christmas day. I know for a fact last year DIL ate Christmas dinner alone in her room and was upset about it because I invited her here...

It sounds like her side of the family find their own relatives a bit too much too @Cupofdreams and avoid situations where they know the fil is going to drink and the consequences of that. It does sound like your ds wants you to be there as he finds his future fil the same as you, and just too much, but he loves his gf and wants to be with her, and having you there diverts the fil from him to you.
I don't quite understand the last sentence of the bit I've quoted. Why did she eat in her room alone if she was invited to yours? Does she feel like she has to be with her parents for Christmas because no one else does? Maybe she needs to be the one to say enough! Enough Christmases ruined by drunken parents and she wants to be with her bf and at yours.

Sorry with the last sentence I meant that she had eaten Christmas dinner in her room alone so I had said at the time when she rang DS that she was welcome to get a taxi to ours that day if she wanted.

Just to add, I'm really sad to see that your son is using 'future grandchildren' against you. That's not nice. Would he be as dismissive of your disability if it were a visible, physical one?

It sounds like he's overwhelmed by girlfriends family himself and figures dragging you into everything will make that easier for him. That's also not OK.

He's made choices he was free to make. Reiterate to him that you are making your free choices too. You didn't choose GF, he did!

@Cupofdreams so why was she eating her Christmas dinner alone in her room?

Are you still with DSs Dad? If so how does he feel about this. You remind me a bit of my uncles wife. She has somehow managed to assert herself about her social issues in a way that has been accepted. This partly works because her husband is very sociable and makes up for her. For family occasions she leaves early or arrives late or doesn't attend at all, but he is always there. Her daughter got married overseas and a family group were renting a villa and after 1 day she left to be in a hotel on her own. No one ever sees it as a negative, we just accept that's how it is with her. She is still at the heart of the family but doesn't do big groups or long social events, her adult children totally understand, maybe privately they complain but to me it sees there is a respect there. Somehow you need to get to this point with your son.