My son and his wife have three children under 10. Over the years, my husband and I have supported them financially in many ways: we gave them a substantial deposit for their house, paid for years of nursery fees, gifted him a larger car when their family grew (as a result they own a car each), helped with holidays, and pay for 2 of the children’s private school, among other things.
We’ve always said we’re happy to support our children. We do it because we want our children to live a comfortable life, not expecting anything in return. But as a family we are close, and have always had a warm relationship. We’ve done the same for one of our daughters, who has two children and stays at home full-time. In her case, we help with monthly expenses so she doesn’t have to return to work. She’s warm, appreciative, involves us in her day-to-day life, and we feel like we’re part of their family.
My DIL, however, is a different story. She also wants to be a stay-at-home mum — but my son prefers that she keeps working part-time. He’s said she struggled quite badly with her mental health when she was home full-time during maternity leave (she’s admitted to this too), and that the structure and balance of part-time work is healthier for both of them. During each of her maternity leaves he said they’d argue far more and came close to divorce on a couple of occasions.
That said, she’s made it clear more than once that she expected us to step in financially so she could stop working, like our daughter has. She’s asked outright. We said no, kindly but firmly, because it’s not in our son’s interests. We’ve supported them in many other ways, but we’ve never agreed to fully fund a lifestyle that our own son isn’t comfortable with.
Since then, the tone with her has changed. She’s polite when we see each other, but cold. I’m never invited over unless my son arranges it (which is fine - we’re his family), but even then occasionally after he’s arranged it I’ll get a message or call giving me exact times when I have to leave. This isn’t at all like my son and I know by his voice this isn’t coming from him and he feels uncomfortable with the tight rules and restrictions on when his parents can visit. If I offer to babysit, she’s “already asked her mum.”, although she’s also mentioned her mum finds babysitting hard and has asked my son to pay for a regular babysitter or nanny during the week so she can have time off. If I drop things off for the kids, she’s stiff and awkward, like I’ve overstepped. She makes passive comments “well, some mums get to be at home”. Her own mum lives further away but is at their house far more often than I am.
There are other things too. My daughter (who is close to my son) told me he actually got into trouble recently for taking the children to see us one Saturday while DIL was out with a friend. She’d apparently told him she wanted him to spend the day “just with the kids,” as if including their grandparents somehow made it less valid.
And one incident still sits badly with me. I had pre-arranged a quick Sunday morning visit, brought pastries which they’ve previously liked, and while she was polite, as I left, I clearly heard her say: “I just don’t want them getting used to seeing her this often.” For context: we live 15 minutes away, and I see the children once a week for a few hours, sometimes less.
It’s honestly got me to the point where I’m thinking about taking the kids and my son to Disney for a long weekend. I’d pay for the trip — hotel, park tickets, travel — and I’d invite her along if she wants to come, but she’d need to cover her own costs. If she thinks she sees too much of me, I don’t want to impose. I was going to position it as “you deserve a break!” but truthfully, I just feel worn down. If I’m not wanted in the day-to-day, maybe I’ll put my energy into the bits where I am welcome.
AIBU to feel like she wants the benefits of having generous in-laws — without actually having to deal with us? I’ve never overstepped, I’ve never criticised her parenting, I’ve done everything “right”… and I still feel like I’m being treated as a bit of a problem.