To feel like DIL wants the money but not a relationship with us?

[grannyhasaq]

My son and his wife have three children under 10. Over the years, my husband and I have supported them financially in many ways: we gave them a substantial deposit for their house, paid for years of nursery fees, gifted him a larger car when their family grew (as a result they own a car each), helped with holidays, and pay for 2 of the children’s private school, among other things.

We’ve always said we’re happy to support our children. We do it because we want our children to live a comfortable life, not expecting anything in return. But as a family we are close, and have always had a warm relationship. We’ve done the same for one of our daughters, who has two children and stays at home full-time. In her case, we help with monthly expenses so she doesn’t have to return to work. She’s warm, appreciative, involves us in her day-to-day life, and we feel like we’re part of their family.

My DIL, however, is a different story. She also wants to be a stay-at-home mum — but my son prefers that she keeps working part-time. He’s said she struggled quite badly with her mental health when she was home full-time during maternity leave (she’s admitted to this too), and that the structure and balance of part-time work is healthier for both of them. During each of her maternity leaves he said they’d argue far more and came close to divorce on a couple of occasions.

That said, she’s made it clear more than once that she expected us to step in financially so she could stop working, like our daughter has. She’s asked outright. We said no, kindly but firmly, because it’s not in our son’s interests. We’ve supported them in many other ways, but we’ve never agreed to fully fund a lifestyle that our own son isn’t comfortable with.

Since then, the tone with her has changed. She’s polite when we see each other, but cold. I’m never invited over unless my son arranges it (which is fine - we’re his family), but even then occasionally after he’s arranged it I’ll get a message or call giving me exact times when I have to leave. This isn’t at all like my son and I know by his voice this isn’t coming from him and he feels uncomfortable with the tight rules and restrictions on when his parents can visit. If I offer to babysit, she’s “already asked her mum.”, although she’s also mentioned her mum finds babysitting hard and has asked my son to pay for a regular babysitter or nanny during the week so she can have time off. If I drop things off for the kids, she’s stiff and awkward, like I’ve overstepped. She makes passive comments “well, some mums get to be at home”. Her own mum lives further away but is at their house far more often than I am.

There are other things too. My daughter (who is close to my son) told me he actually got into trouble recently for taking the children to see us one Saturday while DIL was out with a friend. She’d apparently told him she wanted him to spend the day “just with the kids,” as if including their grandparents somehow made it less valid.

And one incident still sits badly with me. I had pre-arranged a quick Sunday morning visit, brought pastries which they’ve previously liked, and while she was polite, as I left, I clearly heard her say: “I just don’t want them getting used to seeing her this often.” For context: we live 15 minutes away, and I see the children once a week for a few hours, sometimes less.

It’s honestly got me to the point where I’m thinking about taking the kids and my son to Disney for a long weekend. I’d pay for the trip — hotel, park tickets, travel — and I’d invite her along if she wants to come, but she’d need to cover her own costs. If she thinks she sees too much of me, I don’t want to impose. I was going to position it as “you deserve a break!” but truthfully, I just feel worn down. If I’m not wanted in the day-to-day, maybe I’ll put my energy into the bits where I am welcome.

AIBU to feel like she wants the benefits of having generous in-laws — without actually having to deal with us? I’ve never overstepped, I’ve never criticised her parenting, I’ve done everything “right”… and I still feel like I’m being treated as a bit of a problem.

Dd2's dh comes from a wealthy family. There is a family trust that will pay for their dc's private education. Dd2 would never expect her MiL to pay for her to be a SAHM. MiL often pays for them to meet them at one of their homes abroad as they are tax exiles. I don't think it would go down well if she didn't include dd2!

Why on earth would she pay the DIL so she doesn’t have to work? It’s astounding that people think this would be reasonable. Of course the relationship with her own DD is different to that with the DIL- she can ask her own parents to fund her lifestyle if she wishes.

How do you know she’s a Babyboomer?

I knew someone who described herself as a full time sahm and her kids were in boarding school.

I was on your side until the Disney idea. What the actual……?

your Disney plan is frankly disgusting and I wonder if it reveals your true feelings for your DIL.
who on earth invites their Son and grandchildren in a paid trip and says their spouse is welcome to come if they pay for themselves? This smacks of using money to control your family.
I’m hoping ive got this wrong but what is your rational for behaving in such a way. Surely you would pay for everyone going.
this makes me reluctant to believe that your DIL is as entitled as you’re making out.
her behaviour does come across as entitled otherwise but I feel you are too involved in their lives, both financial and otherwise. Your son wouldn’t phone up and tell you to curtail visits unless he’s a) spineless b)agrees with her
i thibk you need to take a step back from discussing their relationship in such depth with your son and any decisions about money need to be made by them as a couple not with you putting conditions on how the money is always spent.
unfortunately you run the risk of losing your son and his family if you put yourself against your DIL.

Toe curling isn’t it ….

When I was married I used to get angry when my ex husband took out daughter to his mums while he took off and went to the pub just as he did every night of the week after work so I get why she might be annoyed.

@Plumnora there's no indication that he took the children to his mum's to dump them there and leave. Only that he took them with him to visit his mum, just as my DD sometimes visits me when her DH is working, and he sometimes does when my DD is working (they both work shifts).

While you have been generous, I can see why DIL isn’t thrilled that you are only taking your sons needs into account, not hers too.

How much does your son do? If she’s working part time and doing most of the running around of looking after the children, I can see why she feels miffed.

As for the Disney land trip- don’t even try that. If my partner went on a trip but expected me to pay for myself, the trip wouldn’t be happening. I would also consider it divorce worthy.

You’re ignoring that the children are only out of their supervision and responsibility for around 30 hours per week. I think it’s perfectly possible and reasonable to fill 30 hours, minus the five hours spent coming back and to school for drop off and pick up, cleaning, sorting, cooking, tidying, gardening and getting jobs done around the house.

Then the time that working people have to spend on doing these jobs can be dedicated to family time without the stress and conflict of constantly feeling that something needs to be done.

I don’t get why so many people sneer at this set up. As if it’s the height of laziness to want balance and peace.

You are being a caring mum and grandmother. Your DIL is totally out of order expecting you to fund her lifestyle, and your son is upfront in agreeing with you. Relationships with DILs can be fraut and like tiptoeing on eggshells, anyone who does not understand this is very, very lucky.

@saraclara
no and I don't believe I said that's what happened. I just said that may be the case and that's possibly why she was annoyed!

But the DIL's needs have been taken into account. She has benefitted greatly too. She has been given a deposit for a family home, so that they can both afford one that they would not have otherwise been able to, sends her three children to a private school, fully paid for by the PIL, had years of nursery paid for, has benefitted from the gift of a family car and has had holidays paid for by the PIL. If this hadn't been the case, she may well have had to work full time and would certainly have not been able to afford the luxuries that she is used to.
If she is working part time, and is therefore at home more, surely it is only natural that she would be doing more looking after the children than him. Isn't that why some parents work part time, to care for their children?

I agree that Disney Land trip is an appalling one but I have the feeling that @grannyhasaq was just ranting rather than actually intending to do this. Only she can clarify.
Overall, the dynamics are unhealthy and clearly unhelpful to the couple concerned. I suspect that it is having a negative impact on their mother, although this may not be the only factor.

We only have one side of the story here. It may be that your DIL and @grannyhasaq daughter in law would have a v different version of events.

From reading your post and knowing nothing else about you, you sound controlling.
Stop funding your adult children’s lives. Let them work out their own finances and life choices, give one off gifts of cash if you want to.
Your DIL doesn’t owe you anything, you’re giving her family unit the money because of your son, not her. I’m also almost 100% sure that you wouldn’t help her if they split up, so you really shouldn’t be expecting any gratitude from her.
Of course your daughter is more grateful and spends more time with you, she’s YOUR daughter.
Take a step back if you want to, volunteer to see your grandchildren and ask her how she’d like that to happen.

Those things haven’t just benefited the mother, but the husband too. We don’t know how many hours the mum works- it could be 9-3.
I’d feel a little miffed as the mum if I wanted to stay at home and rather than this discussion being between the husband and wife, the MIL had a say too. I’d feel a bit infantilised . Especially if they are allowing one mother to stay home and not another

It’s the PIL’s money. They have a right to do what they want with it at the end of the day.

You’ve hit the nail on the head here.

MIL isn’t doing this things for her DiL (like funding her to stay at home) but for her son and her grandchildren.

I feel like she’s trying to buy her way into the family and into control.

I think the worst bit is her husband and MIL making a decision about what's best for her mental health. That's so incredibly patronising and controlling.

MIL doesn't actually know why her mental health was poor during maternity leave. Maybe her DH was unhelpful and unsupportive. Maybe she had PPA/D, birth trauma, breastfeeding difficulties, sleep deprivation or any of the other common issues which affect mothers during maternity leave, none of which are caused by not working (as if having a newborn isn't enough work).

I agree that all those things have benefitted both of them. Of course they have been done primarily because of their son though and that the DIL only benefits because she is married to him. That's natural though surely?
I had the impression that the DIL had repeatedly asked the OP to fund her to stay at home, which is incredibly cheeky, and the MIL had then been drawn into this discussion, which, I agree should have been a discussion between the couple only. You could argue that if PIL paying for their daughter to stay at home, they should pay for their son to stop work and stay at home, rather than the DIL.
Overall, there is fault on both sides and it would be better for them to just fund things for the children eg private school, rather than to keep funding the couple's lifestyle, because it can then get v messy, as it has now!

You pay for private school for 2 out of 3 children - assume that's the older 2 and you will also pay for the third child when they are old enough?

You support one of your daughters to be a SAHM - what about your other daughter? Does she have children?

Did you ask your son-in-law's opinion before deciding to support your daughter to be a SAHM?

I think it's incredibly telling that you have refused DIL's request because it's not what your son wants. If he'd been in favour of the idea you would have said yes.

It's understandable that you love and favour your own children above their partners, but the fact is, your children are adults now with families of their own, and your role should be to respect and support their partners and marriages. You have made it crystal clear that you see your son's opinions and wants as more important than your DIL's.

In each case you are prioritising your own child but in practice this means you are treating each family differently; you support your daughter to be a SAHM but you don't support your DIL to do the same - which means one set of grandchildren have a SAHM while the other set doesn't. This is favouritism and it could be for well-meaning reasons (based on what your son has said about his wife's mental health) but it's not based on actually listening to what your DIL says that she wants.

I think your idea of taking your son and his kids to Disneyland, and telling DIL she has to pay for herself, is very telling indeed. You want to use your money to control and hurt your DIL, and tell her exactly where she is in the pecking order - right at the bottom.

I really hope your son is able to see you for what you are, which is a manipulative and toxic parent.

To clarify, I'm not arguing that you should give your son and DIL extra money so she can give up work. I think you need to change your attitude and stop using your money to control your children and their family lives. Instead of paying for specific things you should make a fixed (and equal!) one-off or regular payment to each of your children so they can decide themselves - with their partners - what to use it for. Correct the disparity you have already created.

This. And expecting DILto be indebted to her for something she is providing for her son.nits very clear the OP only wants her son to benefit, given what she’s said.
On one hand you’re saying DD is grateful and warm, but then on the other you are saying you don’t want to provide the same to DIL yet still expect her to interact with you on the same way. You have absolutely no obligation to support your DIL to be a sahm and that’s fine, but she has no obligation to be grateful for what you have provided for your son.

A couple of points, firstly do not exclude her from the Disney thing, it will make things worse and I’m going to assume you want to make things better.

Secondly, if your SIL said it wasn’t in your DD best interests for her to be a SAHM would you listen to him?

Thirdly, you know the old saying your son is your son until he takes a wife your daughter is your daughter for life. This might go a long way to explaining the difference in your relationship between your DS & DD families.

OP, with all due respect, pay the fees for your GC if you want to - but stay away from your son’s marriage.

Whats the source of your wealth? Did you earn it or did you marry well? You probable benefited from marriage, you don’t want your DIL to have the same. When you give your daughter something, you realise her husband benefits indirectly from that? Is that ok somehow?

Do your son and DIL a favour - stay away from their marriage

Someone that struggled being at home full time with very young children may thrive in the same situation with older children who are in school and more independent. It is not that same thing at all. I can see why she is not happy.