To feel like DIL wants the money but not a relationship with us?

[grannyhasaq]

My son and his wife have three children under 10. Over the years, my husband and I have supported them financially in many ways: we gave them a substantial deposit for their house, paid for years of nursery fees, gifted him a larger car when their family grew (as a result they own a car each), helped with holidays, and pay for 2 of the children’s private school, among other things.

We’ve always said we’re happy to support our children. We do it because we want our children to live a comfortable life, not expecting anything in return. But as a family we are close, and have always had a warm relationship. We’ve done the same for one of our daughters, who has two children and stays at home full-time. In her case, we help with monthly expenses so she doesn’t have to return to work. She’s warm, appreciative, involves us in her day-to-day life, and we feel like we’re part of their family.

My DIL, however, is a different story. She also wants to be a stay-at-home mum — but my son prefers that she keeps working part-time. He’s said she struggled quite badly with her mental health when she was home full-time during maternity leave (she’s admitted to this too), and that the structure and balance of part-time work is healthier for both of them. During each of her maternity leaves he said they’d argue far more and came close to divorce on a couple of occasions.

That said, she’s made it clear more than once that she expected us to step in financially so she could stop working, like our daughter has. She’s asked outright. We said no, kindly but firmly, because it’s not in our son’s interests. We’ve supported them in many other ways, but we’ve never agreed to fully fund a lifestyle that our own son isn’t comfortable with.

Since then, the tone with her has changed. She’s polite when we see each other, but cold. I’m never invited over unless my son arranges it (which is fine - we’re his family), but even then occasionally after he’s arranged it I’ll get a message or call giving me exact times when I have to leave. This isn’t at all like my son and I know by his voice this isn’t coming from him and he feels uncomfortable with the tight rules and restrictions on when his parents can visit. If I offer to babysit, she’s “already asked her mum.”, although she’s also mentioned her mum finds babysitting hard and has asked my son to pay for a regular babysitter or nanny during the week so she can have time off. If I drop things off for the kids, she’s stiff and awkward, like I’ve overstepped. She makes passive comments “well, some mums get to be at home”. Her own mum lives further away but is at their house far more often than I am.

There are other things too. My daughter (who is close to my son) told me he actually got into trouble recently for taking the children to see us one Saturday while DIL was out with a friend. She’d apparently told him she wanted him to spend the day “just with the kids,” as if including their grandparents somehow made it less valid.

And one incident still sits badly with me. I had pre-arranged a quick Sunday morning visit, brought pastries which they’ve previously liked, and while she was polite, as I left, I clearly heard her say: “I just don’t want them getting used to seeing her this often.” For context: we live 15 minutes away, and I see the children once a week for a few hours, sometimes less.

It’s honestly got me to the point where I’m thinking about taking the kids and my son to Disney for a long weekend. I’d pay for the trip — hotel, park tickets, travel — and I’d invite her along if she wants to come, but she’d need to cover her own costs. If she thinks she sees too much of me, I don’t want to impose. I was going to position it as “you deserve a break!” but truthfully, I just feel worn down. If I’m not wanted in the day-to-day, maybe I’ll put my energy into the bits where I am welcome.

AIBU to feel like she wants the benefits of having generous in-laws — without actually having to deal with us? I’ve never overstepped, I’ve never criticised her parenting, I’ve done everything “right”… and I still feel like I’m being treated as a bit of a problem.

I would be backing off with the financial support.
Not suggesting more things to help with, such as holiday.
They need to learn to live within their means.

I don’t know 100% of details on their finances but from what I can deduce and the things they’ve said, his salary pays for family expenses (mortgage, bills, holidays, food, activities, meals out, kids’ activities, housekeeper, private healthcare including private maternity etc) and her salary is more like “play money” for herself so to be used on her sport, dinner with friends, new pair of sunglasses, hairdressers, clothes etc

So she doesn't actually need her salary to live a certain lifestyle?

I can't comment on the whole of your post, but I actually think you're a tiny bit unreasonable on this point.

Not because you should have to pay for it - but because you are gladly letting one set of grandkids have a SAHM whilst denying it for the others because you take your son's side and he doesn't want it.

And again, it's not unreasonable that you agree with your son. It's that I would wager my whole mortgage on the fact that you didn't check whether your SIL was happy with your daughter being a SAHM.

I'm not saying that your DIL isn't a tricky character. But if you're going to wade into the dynamics of their relationship, you have to take a big step back emotionally and not swallow what your son says whole.

This whole family need some bloody boundaries.

I feel for the DIL. There’s no segregation between nuclear families, you’re the benefactor which will affect her family (as in with your son), AND your son is oversharing about his marriage and it’s obvious to her you know so much. I’d feel my toes well and truly trodden on too if I were her.

Where to even start with this!
I’d be totally lying if I said I didn’t wish someone would throw money at me and my kids to have a clearly very comfortable standard of living. BUT if accepting that generosity meant never feeling like I had a voice within my own household and when it came to my own children, I would be furious.
I do think it raises eyebrows that DIL would actually have the front to ask you to pay for her to be a SAHM when you are already shelling out thousands in school fees etc, but on the topic of entitlement as others have said the Disney suggestion is very telling as to your clear feelings of entitlement.

Obviously, we have only your side of things, and it can be difficult to pick apart the information. But …

I don’t think you should read too much into her mental health when she was on maternity leave. I was absolutely destroyed after giving birth to my first child, and I remember my in-laws being very dismissive of my state of mind. It was very upsetting.

The bit about her being out of the house and your son bringing the children to you and DIL being annoyed … I know that my ex SIL would sometimes go out for a few hours deliberately to force BIL to look after their children (he was lazy). He would just basically take them round to his mum‘s house and have her look after them. It wasn’t that she didn’t want the DC around her MIL, it’s the fact that she wanted her DH to actually take charge and spend time with their DC himself.

I think your idea about the Disneyland trip is actually nasty.

also: you have two children, yes? You are giving one child enough money that the mother does not have to go to work. You are not doing this for the other child.

Funnily enough financial advice is to spend it on your family, children, grandchildren now so that it doesn't all go on inheritance tax. Pay the school fees.

@grannyhasaq however, your son believes that it's bad for your DILs mental health to not work so he doesn't want you to do this. You're piggy in the middle by doing as your son has asked. Your DIL believes you're playing favourites.

I'd back right away from this pickle. Don't expect your DIL to pay though for a holiday. Invite all or none.

Your son is controlling you and his wife to be honest.

She’s a cheeky bitch!
And let your son and son-in-law support their own families. You are doing too much x

You think you can buy extra privileges. I’d hate to have you a MIL and my kids would spend very little time with you. I also think it’s interesting that you say your son’s salary pays for the important expenses and hers for frivolous purchases. Imagine her salary goes to utilities and he spends that same amount on the frivolous expenses for the family. Same outcome. Does that make you feel better? Sounds like you are far too involved in their lives and your son is having to deal with the pressure it causes in his relationship. L

I do not think for one minute the OP actually meant that, but being hurt, angry and abused certainly makes one feel that way.

If I had someone paying for my lifestyle I'd be bloody careful that I wasn't pissing them off.

You lost the moral high ground or any ground when you said about Disney. Also money isn’t a now do as I say and act how I want. Give freely or don’t bother.

You send X money to daughters house and Y to sons house. Which is clearly very different amounts. One allowed one parent to be a full time sahm with nice lifestyle while the other both parents do work.

The fact your son was all for her being a sahm before what sounds like possible pnd then Flipped the story id place good money on the fact he sold her the story of being bank rolled as a family like your daughter is being. Thats where her coldness will come in.

She was sold by him story A and has ended up with story B. And knowing men and how they like to find a women to blame I’d bet his sold most of the story as you won’t and you don’t want to anyway so of course she cannot be a sahm.

Why does your family even know how you help them all financially? You must be telling them what you’re giving, which is silly and braggy, so you only have yourself to blame in causing the resentments about money.

the thing is, of course my children are dearer to me than a DIL or a SIL. Isn’t that obvious to any mother? Your child is your child.

Yes and no, and you reap what you sow. The best families I’ve seen are those who truly welcome their daughter/son-in-laws as part of the family on marriage, and respect them as the parent of their grandchildren. It seems you do none of this, so you can’t complain that your DIL doesn’t value you in return. Again, you only have yourself to blame.

If you want to shift the dynamic and clear the resentments, it’s totally within your power. You just need to be a nicer person.

I do not think for one minute the OP actually meant that, but being hurt, angry and abused certainly makes one feel that way.

You're missing the point, I think it's bizarre to even think it & post it.

If I had someone paying for my lifestyle I'd be bloody careful that I wasn't pissing them off.

Money with conditions always creates problems.

Yes very common among the proper posh, as is the controlling everyone with money (and being generally batshit). Sounds like this DIL is not playing ball. As a pp said, likely a gilded cage.

It sounds like you’re very generous, but DIL has rightly deduced that the money is being given to your DS for his (& DGC) benefit. The fact that she also benefits is incidental.

If my DH had the opportunity to top up the family income so I didn’t have to work, but said NO because he ‘didn’t think it was good for me’ I would be furious. The fact she had poor mental health whilst on maternity leave is not pertinent to the current situation.

I don’t know whether it would be a good idea to offer to fund her staying at home for a year or until the kids are in secondary. But it might be worth thinking about.

I do think you should read The Little House by Philippa Gregory and see which character you most resemble.

To blunt you come across as being over involved in the finances of both your children.

Helping if you can afford it, is a nice thing to do, but imho the best way of doing so is giving a one off cash gift and then letting them decide how to use it.

By giving your DD a monthly allowance to be a SAHP you’ve set a precedence and it’s only natural your DIL will make a comparison - even if working is better for her MH. Re: your son do you plan to be equitable in your financial support I.e. all you give to your DD will be balanced out? How will you do that because (even if he don’t want you to fund his wife, he may still at some point feel the balance is unfair).

I’d also add that any type of gift like this snack of having strings. You are close with your DD I’m sure but if you’re funding her life she’s going to be keen to keep you involved and close. Have you considered your DIL’s approach is a direct reaction to that (I’m not saying that’s right, but your posts do imply that due to your financial support you have high expectations of involvement)?

I fear you may have made a rod for your own back here in creating a very transactional relationship between your children’s families.

I also wonder if you’ve been clear how long this arrangement will last with your DD? Will you still be paying your DD when her children are at secondary school?

Has she plans to return to work at some point?

I get why some people want to be SAHP’s, but I’m not always convinced they are thinking ahead In terms of loss of experience, pension contributions and ability to support themselves if a marriage ends badly.

Working part time has always stuck me as the best balance if you are able.

In your position I’d use this situation as a catalyst for change in how you offer financial support to both children, making it more equitable and not based on adhering to a specific lifestyle (working/not working, funding houses/schools etc).

Then the situation as to whether your DIL works is between her and your son only. As stands she is probably projecting her disagreement about working on to you rather than your son and the current set up makes you a perfect scapegoat.

The whole dynamics sound conditional and compromising.
They all sound far too reliant on your money and you sound as if its given on condition , i'm not surprised there is a bad feeling at times between you.

if I was you, I work out how much you have spent on each family to date , and make it up the difference. Then decide if you want to continue giving each family money and how much, then give it to your dd and ds and they they can both decide what to do with it as whether dil becomes a SAHM is between them.

You’ve been put in a difficult situation by both you ds and dil and are taking the brunt of it.

Keep asking you ds and dil to join you at events and see who turns up.

She sounds very ungrateful and entitled, and I wish I had a MIL like you 🥰

It's a bit shit you treat your children differently when it comes to finance. You pay your DD large sums of money but not your DS? You should give both your children the same given that you are so comfortably off. Then it's up to each of them how they use it. Why are you acting as purse string holder and gatekeeper for your son? He's an adult father of 3. Share the money between your children equally and let them deal with it.

Your DIL is a CF and no doubt sees your daughter living a certain lifestyle. And believes she deserves the same.
However, it’s time for you to step away a bit and, to be quite frank, get a life.
While it’s fine to hell your kids out, helping them to this level is ridiculous. You are too involved and frankly don’t need to know so much of what’s going on in their marriages.
I am sorry you don’t see more of your son’s children but don’t go into battle over it.
You and your DH would be better off finding new ways to spend your time and money.
You can still be around for your kids and grandkids, and enjoy time with them, but funding them at this level is causing resentment.

Financially it's very savvy advice to pay school fees etc to avoid some of the tax burden upon death.

Imagine you'd won many millions on the lottery you could pay off your kids mortgages, pay school fees, hire a lear jet for family holidays to St Kitts, no queueing in passport control.

Well I can dream can't I 😂

Seems strange he’s basing his opinion on her behaviour when she was on maternity leave. And that it got worse each time? Well having had three kids myself it does get tougher with each one as you have multiple other kids plus a baby, no sleep, raging hormones, body exhausted from pregnancy, child birth and feeding. Seems wild to me that as a woman you can’t understand that it’s a difficult time for her?

It all seems very one sided. you keep mentioning she plays sports and see friends for lunch. Does he just sit indoors and do nothing then? does he actually love her or does he just whinge to you about her? you mention she sees her mum and then admit your daughter is closer to you but you can’t understand your DIL’s behaviour.

feel free to do as you please with money but don’t expect that ‘gifts’ come either conditions.

the Disney plan is really mean. Why on earth would you want to upset someone like that?!

Yes very common among the proper posh, as is the controlling everyone with money (and being generally batshit). Sounds like this DIL is not playing ball. As a pp said, likely a gilded cage.

One of my friends has had major marriage problems because her mother in particular hates that she married beneath her. The husband feels belittled etc & my friend often wants to cut off the money but she wants the big house, private school etc. All very toxic.

He doesn’t want his wife not working at all and she can only afford it if his parents fund this. He has legitimate reasons for this. They agree with him. They don’t have to treat their DIL the same as their daughter.