Husband won't 'return the favour'

[cookingaroast]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 10. I'm always pleasing him but feeling like my desires aren't reciprocated.

TMI - we have sex usually twice a week, I wake him up with hand jobs, I go down on him whenever he hints at it (usually once a week). I've asked a few times if he could go down on me and he always says he will, then it never happens!

We went on holiday last week and before we went, I asked if he could do it whilst we're away - a treat for me. He said that sounded great, I got myself all waxed - how we both prefer it - and was expecting it all week but no, I didn't get it. He got everything from me, and I really don't want to nag but this is getting frustrating.

I honestly think he's done it two, maybe three times in our whole relationship. Is this normal and something I should just accept? Beyond this, our sex life is good and I enjoy pleasing him. I'm not sure he's too interested in pleasing me.

Then stop doing stuff for him

Sex is a bartering tool now?

How on earth have you allowed this selfish behaviour to continue? Tell him clearly there will be no more sex if he doesn't make a bloody effort on a regular basis! And you have to mean it! Hes like a child you have spoiled!

No, not normal and no, not something you should accept. He either has an issue with it, in which case he needs to use his words and discuss it, or he is a selfish twat. You need to find out which.

Selfishness is a turn off

Your partner is a lazy and selfish lover. He’s not going to change. This is as good as it gets now.

Ask him directly why he won't.

If he doesn't like it then fine.

But what's his reason?

Would you really be able to enjoy it if you know he wasn’t enjoying it? He obviously doesn’t like it, so don’t pressure him to do it. Pressuring someone to do something they don’t like for your sexual gratification is gross.

Have you actually discussed with him why he doesn't?
Is it possible that it's actually a sexual act he doesn't enjoy? If he doesn't like doing it then you would be wrong to expect him to do it. But he needs to be honest with you and you need to have a conversation about why he is not doing it.

I don't understand. You pleasure him then he just goes to sleep? Do you not say anything at the time about it being your turn? Why do you keep doing things for him if he's not bothered about your pleasure?

Edited to add: if he doesn't like giving oral sex, there are other ways to give you an orgasm. It's not an excuse.

He is a selfish user.

You can’t make anyone man or woman do a sex act they don’t want to do, it’s coercion.
If you’re not happy stop giving him weekly blowjobs.

Missing the point here but being woken up by someone performing a sexual act on me would give me the absolute fear.

That being said, your husband is a selfish lover and has been for 15 years. He is unlikely to change now.

Does he actually enjoy it/want to do it? YABU to make him do something he doesn’t want to but you need to talk to him about it. And he shouldn’t promise something he has no intention of doing.

Do you like going down on him?
Have you asked him if he likes going down on you? He might not enjoy it which he is entitled to and not do if he doesn’t like it

The usual Mumsnet double standards are out in force, I see.

What you choose to do is up to you but you cannot continually pester your partner to perform a sexual act until they finally give in and do it against their will.

Frankly, I'm shocked at the responses. If the sexes were reversed you'd be getting an absolute bollocking.

If you can't talk sensibly about your sex life with your husband of 15 years, you have way bigger problems.
Would you both do some form of relationship counselling?

Yabu to make him do something he doesnt enjoy, but yanbu to stop doing things for him either.

If he doesn’t enjoy doing it then he should be a grown up about it and explain to OP. And maybe have an adult discussion about other things he can do to give her pleasure. He shouldn’t be coerced into doing something he doesn’t enjoy or isn’t willing to do but needs to be honest about this rather than promising something and then not delivering.

Ridiculous comment!

Are you asking on Monday and hoping it will happen on Tuesday? Why not ask during foreplay so it is just part of a whole lot of ways of exploring each other’s bodies.

Keep him on the 'edge' until he pleases you.

Stop the blowjobs. I genuinely wouldn't bother having sexual activity if I wasn't also getting off.

It sounds like it’s not something you enjoys doing.
which means in that way you are sexually incompatible.
you either accept that and focus on other bits of your sex life. Or decide it’s not something you can live without and move on