Husband won't 'return the favour'

[cookingaroast]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 10. I'm always pleasing him but feeling like my desires aren't reciprocated.

TMI - we have sex usually twice a week, I wake him up with hand jobs, I go down on him whenever he hints at it (usually once a week). I've asked a few times if he could go down on me and he always says he will, then it never happens!

We went on holiday last week and before we went, I asked if he could do it whilst we're away - a treat for me. He said that sounded great, I got myself all waxed - how we both prefer it - and was expecting it all week but no, I didn't get it. He got everything from me, and I really don't want to nag but this is getting frustrating.

I honestly think he's done it two, maybe three times in our whole relationship. Is this normal and something I should just accept? Beyond this, our sex life is good and I enjoy pleasing him. I'm not sure he's too interested in pleasing me.

Your husband either isn't that bothered about penetrative sex, or he's not attracted to you sexually OP.

That's why he doesn't seem to mind, or hints he'd like a blow-job - it's zero effort on his part, and he can just easily close his eyes and use his imagination. Anything that goes beyond that where he has to interact with you, touch or come close to your body is a no for him. That's very very clear.

*next time we have sex, or when we're away at the weekend, can you go down on me?"

The fact that you have to ask is sad.

I think you have to accept that your husband doesn't enjoy having sex with you and decide what you do that information. You're not sexually compatible at all.

Oh thank god someone understands what I meant. I was beginning to think I was losing my mind.

Of course they are a different experience, but lots of physical sensations are sexually arousing, not just clitoral stimulation. You have confidently said several times that no woman enjoys giving oral sex to a man apart from inasmuch as it pleases him. This is ridiculous, and wrong.

Obviously lots of other women will experience it similar to the way you do. But you claimed all women feel the same.

I enjoy giving them but agree that a lot of the appeal is seeing how much pleasure you give to your partner in doing it. I wouldn't want to be with someone that didn't also feel that way about me. Sex would be pretty crap if we all just pleased ourselves without a thought to the other person. As a pp ssid you might as well just have a wank. I think the OPs comment I enjoy pleasing him I'm not sure he's too interested in pleasing me says it all really and her DH certainly doesn't sound like someone I'd feel 'lucky to be his wife'

OP, do you struggle to ask for what you want during sex? I'm a bit perplexed as to why you have to bring it up a day or two in advance instead of in the moment. You'd get a more authentic response from him, too, and that'll tell you what his true feelings about doing it are.

Ok, tell me, do you ever simulate a blowjob when you're on your own, for your sexual pleasure?

Now tell me, so you ever stimulate your clitoris when you're on your own for sexual pleasure?

(Obviously I'm not expecting an actual answer to those questions.)

Agree they are different sensations.

I did correct myself in the post you quoted that I should have used a different term than "enjoys".

I said "very few," not all.

Perhaps I'm wrong and was over confident in my assertion, but you don't see many sex toys that simulate giving a blowjob.

In my experience, men that enjoy giving oral sex really want to do it… a lot.

the fact yours has only giving it to you a handful of times in your entire relationship suggests he DOES NOT LIKE IT.

Just stop asking. If you feel hard done by and resentful stop giving him blow jobs.

BUT don’t use it as a bargaining tool. That’s sexually coercive.

Absolutely no one, man or woman, should have to perform a sex act that doesn’t appeal to them.

There are a lot of things I don't do on my own but which with a partner are sexually arousing. Solo masturbation is a very different activity to sex with a partner. You are clinging stubbornly to your claim that women don't find sucking cock to be sexually arousing which is simply false. I'm not sure why you are defining sexually arousing in such narrow terms.

Do you not say anything at the time about it being your turn?

This.

It seems to me the OP is saying "Will you lick me next week." Surely "Lick me right now" would be more effective!?

Would you say that to a man whose wife didn’t want to perform oral sex?

This

It’s not though is it - the problem is that he “won’t return the favour” - it’s in the TITLE to the whole thread.

I did say "in and of itself", but I should maybe have discriminated more clearly. I absolutely agree it can be sexually arousing and didn't mean to suggest otherwise, I was just trying to draw a distinction between something that is primarily (not entirely) for the other person's pleasure (as it will likely only lead to an orgasm for them) and something which is targeted for your pleasure. In other words, you - ok, I - don't enjoy giving head in the same way that you (I) enjoy receiving it.

So there is a distinction to be drawn between acts which are more giving and those which are more receiving. A lazy man who doesn't bother to offer any of the former can still be fairly sure to end the encounter with an orgasm whereas if a woman doesn't have a generous partner she is likely to be left frustrated.

Two or three times in 15 years?!
You need to have a proper chat with him to see what's going on. Maybe he's not confident? Maybe it grosses him out? Whatever the issue you need to be told and not fobbed off with "yeh, next time".
If he does insist there's no issue, then next time he can start on you. Or he can tell you the real reason.

I actually really enjoy it and would happily give oral sex to a man who didn’t like to perform it themselves.

It’s one of my favourite parts of sex.

I would try gently talking to him about it. When you are calm and not frustrated. He might just not like giving oral sex or something. If he is otherwise giving both in bed and in your relationship, it is not necessarily him being selfish, although it could or course be this. We shouldn't do things in bed we don't enjoy though. However, he should be considerate or your needs, so talk and find a way you can both be happy.

Interesting. I suppose sexual psychology is quite complex.

Absolutely this. If he doesn’t like it, then that’s fair enough. You shouldn’t pressure someone into doing something they don’t like sexually. Nor should you be pressured either.

You definitely need to talk to him. If it’s something he doesn’t like or want to do (for whatever reason) , then it’s up to you to decide if you can live without/that the once in 5 years “miracle” is done out of duty or whatever or not.

How is he in bed otherwise? Do you orgasm at most times? Does he put the effort in? Is he bothered about you finishing/finishing first?

Seems like he doesn’t want to so I would take the hint.
you wouldn’t want to be pestered for sexual acts you clearly don’t want to do.

This.

If he only has done it for you 2 or 3 times in 15 years of relationship I think you should take the hint that he doesn’t like to do it. Is not good or bad, he just doesn’t enjoy it. Not everyone likes to do everything. In my opinion you should or accept it and do what works for both of you, or stop doing it for him too if you feel that is unfair.