Husband won't 'return the favour'

[cookingaroast]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 10. I'm always pleasing him but feeling like my desires aren't reciprocated.

TMI - we have sex usually twice a week, I wake him up with hand jobs, I go down on him whenever he hints at it (usually once a week). I've asked a few times if he could go down on me and he always says he will, then it never happens!

We went on holiday last week and before we went, I asked if he could do it whilst we're away - a treat for me. He said that sounded great, I got myself all waxed - how we both prefer it - and was expecting it all week but no, I didn't get it. He got everything from me, and I really don't want to nag but this is getting frustrating.

I honestly think he's done it two, maybe three times in our whole relationship. Is this normal and something I should just accept? Beyond this, our sex life is good and I enjoy pleasing him. I'm not sure he's too interested in pleasing me.

I get this, but saying ‘I wouldn’t enjoy going down on you’ is a really difficult thing to say, and he must know OP would find it hurtful, so I can understand his avoidance of wanting to have that conversation.

First post nails it.

No, it's not normal. Stop pleasing him in the hopes he will do it back.

No, but it should be a two way street.

I think you'd be within your rights to stop doing the stuff he likes IF he's not doing anything at all for you. If he doesn't like giving oral sex, he can do other things for you.

Stop doing it for him. When he asks say, me first. He is being very selfish.

Take a lover and let him sort himself out..though he hardly seems bothered.

Sure, it’s difficult. But for any decent healthy long term relationship, you need to be able to have difficult conversations, as they will crop up eventually.

Oh don’t be stupid. Why should she?

My DH won't do it either. It's been 17 years.....

Would it be selfish for a woman not to give bj’s because she didn’t like it even if the man enjoyed going down on her and did it willingly (as I’m assuming OP is).

The issue is you haven’t talked about it.

If I ever had another relationship I absolutely will not be doing any more bj’s.

Objectively, the giver of a bj isn’t enjoying the bj itself but wants to give their partner pleasure because they like/love them. Otherwise people would give their vibrator a bj in their spare time, if they enjoyed it so much, which no one is doing.

so the fact he is doing it to you is saying ‘I’m not prepared to spend 15 minutes doing something I don’t want to do which I get nothing directly from, to make you happy; but I do expect you to do it to me.’

as I’ve gone through this thread I’m now thinking this is a ltb for me. It can only be selfish, whether it’s the not doing it itself or the not communicating. Either option is selfish.

Does he pleasure you in other ways, or is he the only one who gets an orgasm?

I’ve never been with a man who wouldn’t do this.

Maybe he doesn't like it but just can't say.

Well it depends whether you enjoy what you are doing for him, whether you are doing it in order for him to reciprocate and whether he is not giving oral sex because he is lazy or doesn’t enjoy it.
You need to have a proper grown up conversation with him about what is going on.
ask him if he likes giving oral sex. If he says yes then ask him why he never does it.
If he likes receiving it but not giving it then you need to decide whether you can put up with that.

It's him saying yes but then not doing it that's the problem. Stop dancing around the issue Op, ask him straight out why he doesn't do it.

I would speak to him about whether he actually likes doing it or not.

Its ok not to like/want to do it, but it’s not ok to say you’ll do something and not.

Does he use his hands to pleasure you instead?

He’s either very selfish, in which case I would be less giving.

Or he just doesn’t like performing oral, in which case I’d ask him to do other things instead.

The OP says her sex life is good and the only thing he doesn't do is oral sex. She needs to explain if he doesn't give any active pleasure at all and oral sex is part of that or if he simply doesn't give oral sex. Because if it's the latter then I'm afraid he doesn't like doing it and that's his choice. Nobody should expect a sexual act from a partner in an otherwise healthy sex life. And no you don't withold sexual acts you're happy to partake in simply to coerce a partner into a single act they're not comfortable performing.

There needs to be more clarification however.

OP says she enjoys pleasing him. I presume this means she likes giving him a bj. He obviously doesn't want to. OP needs to accept this and continue to please her man.

You are close enough to this man to regularly open your legs to him-it should be perfectly simple to open your mouth and use your words!

'DH, you have only gone down on me x times in 15 years, despite promising to do so, yet I regularly go down on you. Why?'

In your 'good' sex life, does he make sure you are satisfied?

Ridiculous comment.

Hmmm………wasn’t it usually the female who was told to lie back and think of England??

You don’t see any problem in such an unequal relationship, where one party will give their time to please the other, and the other won’t?

Def not unreasonable. But if he doesn’t like doing oral or can’t be bothered then suggest you withdraw doing it as well. Some men prob don’t but all my partners have always loved it and if waxed it is a real come on for them…I stay waxed all the time now as I know my OH loves it and is great for oral

it is about reciprocal enjoyment.

OP if there are things that "you do" for him that you don't like doing, don't do them. If you love him and everything is otherwise fine, you may have to learn to live with it.