Husband won't 'return the favour'

[cookingaroast]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 10. I'm always pleasing him but feeling like my desires aren't reciprocated.

TMI - we have sex usually twice a week, I wake him up with hand jobs, I go down on him whenever he hints at it (usually once a week). I've asked a few times if he could go down on me and he always says he will, then it never happens!

We went on holiday last week and before we went, I asked if he could do it whilst we're away - a treat for me. He said that sounded great, I got myself all waxed - how we both prefer it - and was expecting it all week but no, I didn't get it. He got everything from me, and I really don't want to nag but this is getting frustrating.

I honestly think he's done it two, maybe three times in our whole relationship. Is this normal and something I should just accept? Beyond this, our sex life is good and I enjoy pleasing him. I'm not sure he's too interested in pleasing me.

But it’s fine for him to hint at a blowjob every few days?

But is he not providing orgasms? Or just not providing 1 specific type of stimulation ? There's a difference there. If he's a selfish lover who provides no happy ending for her and just pumps away yes that's rubbish.

If he's an involved lover who mindfully brings her to orgasm regularly but prefers other means than his tongue then that's ok surely?

Same as for a woman.

I mean he’s entitled to not do it but if my partner just said I’m not interested in pleasuring you I don’t enjoy that I just expect sex to be you giving me pleasure… you’d never ever have sex with them again.

Statistically it’s more likely than not that she’s not getting any orgasms at all as the majority of women need direct stimulation of the external clitoris to achieve orgasm. To assume that she is happily orgasming despite him not giving her hand or oral sex is a huge assumption.

He obviously doesn't like it so it would be creepy to keep pressuring him.

Ps how come we can access this thread without ID, Mumsnet???

This thread is nuts. No one should be pressured into performing any sex act they don’t like or don’t want to. He is entitled to say no.

Many women enjoy giving their partners BJs as they like how it turns them on, and let’s be honest, BJs are very different to going down on a woman. Whether OP is giving them reluctantly or because she wants to, we don’t know but if the former, then she should reconsider.

Wait has she said he's not getting his hands involved? I must have missed that. Also I'm a woman, I know how our sex organs work. I used to love receiving oral but since perimenopause it gives me the ick a little, no idea why, but I prefer hands, my husband sometimes has eczema outbreaks on his hands so we also get toys involved. In my head I'm assuming a full and fulfilling sex life just without oral. If it's just him happily pumping away with not thought for her needs that's something different

Thanks for all these comments, I wasn't expecting so many responses.

I'm taking away from this that another conversation is needed. It's usually me asking "next time we have sex, or when we're away at the weekend, can you go down on me?" To which he always says yes. The conversation needs to be more around me asking him if he enjoys it or not. I absolutely don't want to pressure him at all, that wouldn't be nice for either of us. Having him say he doesn't like it would stop me wondering if he'll do it, and let me move on from the hope. He does use his hands to get me off and I genuinely do enjoy pleasing him - he loves the spontaneous hand/ blow jobs and I wouldn't want to stop that to get what I want, I doubt it'd make me feel good as a person to withhold.

In 15 years he hasn't done it, I should stop requesting him to change. I feel so lucky to be his wife, the comments of take a lover and divorce did make me laugh 😂

Exactly. A man will orgasm from PIV sex pretty much every time whilst most women dont. There are lots of lazy men out there that know they only have to pump away for a bit and they will come. Why bother satisfying their women when they don't complain for 15 years at a time and carry on giving them blow jobs and regular sex? I think there's likely a lot of selfish lovers like this out there, a depressingly common situation.

I think people are misunderstanding what I mean by "enjoying".

No woman on her own gets off by moving a vaguely cylindrical-shaped object in and out of her mouth, or by moving her hand up and down said object. That doesn't mean they don't enjoy seeing the effect those actions have on their partner, or that they actively dislike performing them, or that they feel pressured to perform them, or that engaging in them isn't arousing.

If you're only going to perform actions that give you direct and immediate physical pleasure (as opposed to turning you on by observing your partner's reaction) you may as well have a wank.

It's like the experience of cooking a nice meal for someone and seeing them eat and enjoy it, versus consuming food yourself. You can appreciate the former, but it's never going to sate your hunger.

You're speaking for all/most women when you have no idea how most women feel about giving oral sex. That's a bit ridiculous.

and let’s be honest, BJs are very different to going down on a woman
Why?

So long as he's interested in getting you off and doing all he can just not liking oral wouldn't be a big deal in my eyes. Do ask him about it, he may have his reasons. Also strongly recommend looking at a clitoral stimulator if you want to get something new involved, my husband got me one for valentine's and it it 🥳 so maybe if hes not up for oral yous can spice things up other ways if he's otherwise a loving and involved partner

This thread has reminded me how much I hate the term “perform sex acts”.

Exactly. You're not comparing like with like without acknowledging this fact.

But she says he gets her off with his hands, he's not just taking with no give

Well yes, technically it's fine, as he's hinting and OP is happily obliging. Whereas OP is repeatedly asking for something he clearly doesn't want to do. It's not the same.

Stop the BJs. He’s a liar.

I don't see it as a quid pro quo, no-one has to perform any sex acts they aren't comfortable with. Don't do stuff you don't like, OP.

Do you...think this is pornography?!

I couldn't spend 15 weeks with someone who didn't go down on me, let alone 15 years! And it's not that I think people should take part in sexual activities they're not into, not at all, but they're not the person for me.

You need to have an honest talk with him.

Maybe the reality is he doesn’t like giving oral sex. If this is the case, it wouldn’t be appropriate for you to pressure him to perform that act.

But - you can ask yourself an honest question which is do you actually enjoy giving oral sex? If the answer is No, then equally there should be no pressure on you to perform it either. No pressure from him or pressure you put on yourself.

Yes I do think people (not all people) like giving them for the act itself, as well as enjoying giving someone else pleasure.
Just because you don't doesn't mean that everyone doesn't.
I also know that some men enjoy giving head as well, as in they enjoy the act itself.

Please don't speak for all women!

Only inasmuch as I can be pretty sure that most women don't orgasm from giving a blowjob, any more than they would come from someone vigorous rubbing their left buttock.

I think I should have chosen a different phrase rather than saying women don't enjoy it. Personally I like giving oral sex as I'm good at it and can see the effect and that is gratifying. However I don't enjoy it in the same way as I enjoy someone (who knows what they're doing) going down on me. That's a different experience.