Husband won't 'return the favour'

[cookingaroast]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 10. I'm always pleasing him but feeling like my desires aren't reciprocated.

TMI - we have sex usually twice a week, I wake him up with hand jobs, I go down on him whenever he hints at it (usually once a week). I've asked a few times if he could go down on me and he always says he will, then it never happens!

We went on holiday last week and before we went, I asked if he could do it whilst we're away - a treat for me. He said that sounded great, I got myself all waxed - how we both prefer it - and was expecting it all week but no, I didn't get it. He got everything from me, and I really don't want to nag but this is getting frustrating.

I honestly think he's done it two, maybe three times in our whole relationship. Is this normal and something I should just accept? Beyond this, our sex life is good and I enjoy pleasing him. I'm not sure he's too interested in pleasing me.

How has it got to this stage? Do you not discuss what you like and dislike? It sounds like he doesn’t like giving oral (and I know from friends that some guys don’t), but he’s too awkward to say so.

I can't imagine oral being this special one-off rare treat that I hope to get on holiday once a year!

I've been with DH for 20 years and him going down on me is a standard part of sex for us. He pretty much does it every time.

I need my partner to be excited by my body and love every inch of it, so any reluctance and I'd show someone the door.

Do you know what your partner's issue is with it, OP?

If he's only done it a few times in your long relationship , then obviously he's not into it and doesn't want to do it . You can't force someone to do something they don't enjoy doing .
Likewise with a bj , do you do it because you know he likes it and you do also , or if you hate doing it , but do it for his benefit , then rightly so , if it's not reciprocated , stop .
Sex should be something you both enjoy , it should be a fun thing to do , mutually pleasurable etc .

The problem here is In FIFTEEN years you’ve just carried on pleasuring him with no reciprocation.

you need to ask yourself why. Why you think it’s fine for you to get less than him, why he won’t talk about it, why you haven’t raised it.

the not doing the act itself is possibly ok, depending on his reasons but what is spectacularly poor of him is not communication.

from this snapshot he sounds selfish and weak(happy to see you miss out so that he doesn’t have to have a difficult conversation). Neither are traits of someone you should have children with, nor that you will tolerate once your men-are-wonderful evolutionary hormones subside.
at my grand old age of 50, I would not tolerate a man like this.

Is he pleasuring you in other ways? Just not oral? I think that is key. No one should do anything sexual that they don’t want to do so I think ywbu to force him if he genuinely doesn’t enjoy oral. But he can please you in other ways and should be doing that instead!

He obviously doesn't like doing it. Which is fine, but you need to actually talk to him about it and he needs to be honest with you.

There’s been a few posts like this.

did you all miss that he said he will then doesn’t?

thst is the problem.

he doesn’t want to (fine), but instead of going through a difficult conversation for him, he’d rather cruelly string the op along. That’s weak , selfish and pathetic.

If he doesn’t enjoy doing it then it’s unreasonable for you to expect him to do it.

Ok so he obviously doesnt enjoy giving you oral sex...

Do you know if he has ever enjoyed this, including with other partners?

People are able to not like particular sex activity BUT it's the lack of interest in ensuring you enjoy it would do it for me... Being left frustrated when you have done a lot to ensure he enjoys it is crap..

Pure selfishness

This. If it’s just laziness (and he has form for not bothering in other area of your relationship) then fair enough to have the conversation and press the point.

But if he’s avoiding it because it’s something he genuinely doesn’t enjoy doing, then you have to accept that and find other ways of satisfying your needs.

If it was a man pressing a woman to go down on him even when she’s clearly reluctant there’d be outrage on here.

Sounds like he hates doing it but won’t admit it.

If he doesn’t like it you shouldn’t put pressure on him to do it.

The fact that he’s saying he’ll do it is an issue. He doesn’t feel like he can be honest with you perhaps?

No, of course it shouldn’t be.
In an ideal situation it’s about sharing a mutually enjoyable experience where both parties give and gain pleasure.
In this case it’s very one sided. The OP titled her thread that he would not return the favour. She is giving him a BJ whenever he hints. If she genuinely enjoys the experience, rather than doing it just to make him happy then that’s great.
As she would like him to reciprocate to make her happy and he is not doing so it may make her feel less inclined.
I don’t think anyone should do something they really dislike doing and if he has a genuine reason rather than just laziness he should convey this to OP, rather than make false promises.
OP would it work to suggest this ‘in the moment’ when he’s already aroused? If it wouldn’t work because he’s too caught up in his own pleasure you probably have your answer.

Wow, imagine if this poster was a man complaining his wife didn’t give him BJs… 🙄

You need an open conversation. If he doesn’t like going down on women, it’s unreasonable to ask him to. But he says he will then doesn’t, which is a bit odd. I’d find out why. Does he pleasure you in other ways?

I’d stop the BJ’s. If he hints, let him know you’re waiting for your turn first. He is being selfish.

If he just doesn’t particularly like doing it, suggest something else. Buy a vibrating clitoral stimulator and experiment with that. If he’s not willing to do that either, then he’s just being selfish, which as a PP has said is a massive turn off. Sex shouldn’t be a one way street, you need to have a frank conversation and tell him that. He’ll carry on as you are as long as you’re willing to put up with it.

Oh for goodness sake, this isn’t what’s happening.
‘can I have a bj later?’
‘yes’

the ‘yes’ is the problem. It’s a lie. It was in the opening post!!

Do you actually enjoy the acts you provide for him? Or just focussed on pleasing him? I'd question for your own wellbeing why you feel the need to do these one sided things unprompted.

He may not like oral and you absolutely should not be demanding it. If you do not actually like giving it but are doing it solely to "please" him - stop! Anything you do sexually should be for your mutual enjoyment.

Loads of people do not like giving oral. I hate it so do not do it. I don't expect of DH either.

I’d have a real blunt and honest chat here to find out why he’s not doing it.

If it’s because he doesn’t enjoy it then that’s absolutely fine and he doesn’t have to do it, but there are other ways to be intimate and he needs to pick one of those.

If it’s just because he’s lazy, can’t be arsed, doesn’t care about your pleasure then….

He obviously doesn't enjoy it, which is why he doesn't do it. You really need to stop asking.

does he do anything to get you off?

This is true,

But at the same time, he doesn’t get to think
(a) I like to receive, plus
(b) I don’t like to give plus
(c) You shouldn’t think of me as a selfish user hypocrite plus
(d) I think it should continue like this without it being discussed plus
(e) I’m going to whine about sex not being a bartering tool and act all offended if you try to raise this because (a) etc…

You have two issues here:

• nobody, man or woman, should be pressured into a sex act they don't enjoy. So he does not have to do it but equally you should not feel like you need to do everything for him just because you might get some crumbs in return

• you simply might not be sexually compatible.

How many women actively like the act of giving blowjobs in and of itself? Very few, I would wager. We do it because it gives pleasure to our partner.