Kind but very poor boyfriend . Should I stay or go?

[Joisworried]

PLEASE be gentle. I have PTSD from my ex husband’s abuse.

I’m 46. Have been divorced 2 years, separated 5 years. I have two kids under 12. One is severely disabled, I am his main carer.

After the most traumatic divorce I’m finally free, but I’m pretty broke because of it (especially vs the life I had with my rich-but-controlling husband).
There’s no question that I did the right thing in leaving him and I continue to work all the hours I can (as I also always did while we were married) to bring in as much income as I can to support the children and me. I
now own a heavily mortgaged but tiny house and lease my car. I accept Universal Credit to top up my earnings and am extremely careful with household bills (batch cooking/deals/vouchers. Etc)

I met a lovely older man on a dating app in April 24. He is one of the most emotionally intelligent men I have ever known. He is considerate,
fun, kind, compassionate, generous and the intimacy is amazing.

However he is verging on penniless (works very hard as a labourer - but it’s all hand to mouth). He has two older kids, each from different mothers (I’m explaining for context not judgment).
But we definitely disagree on politics and parenting.

i simply cannot decide whether or not to stay or go.
We have probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. However the idea of the rest of my life with him fills me with sadness. And I don’t really know why.
Should I stay because he’s the nicest man I’ve been with?
Or should I move on in the hope that other good men actually also exist?

Am I the idiot who can’t see what they’ve got? Or should I wait to meet someone who makes me excited about the future?

Why on earth are you rushing into another relationship? And why are you musing on what “the rest of your life” would feel like with him?

Focus on your own mental health and self worth, and the wellbeing of your children. You don’t need this relationship or any other for that matter, right now.

Just because it’s the best relationship you’ve ever had doesn’t mean it’s the best you can do. After only 10-12 weeks or so if you’re not absolutely sure, do the right thing for you and your children and walk away. I think the penniless point is a red herring - you don’t agree on parenting and you already have doubts.

Sorry just re-read April 24, but I stand by my response!

Nicest man you’ve ever met but definitely disagree on politics and parenting?

Those are two major things especially given you have young children. Regardless of him being penniless.
I think you need some time alone, it seems very rushed especially when you have been in an abusive marriage before. Yes this relationship may be better than what you had, but it’s not great. Trust your gut feeling!

It doesn't matter if he's poor, as long as you have your house etc and don't live together. But the relationship probably won't last if you don't agree on politics and parenting.

When you say penniless, if you are receiving UC, it doesn't sound as if you are rolling in cash yourself.

Is your concern that you are constantly subsidising him, or that you'd be better off looking for a rich sugar daddy who is going to subsidise you?

Go. You said the idea of spending your life with him fills you with sadness. That is not the start of a good relationship.

If the idea of spending your life with him fills you with sadness then the relationship is going nowhere.

But it does also sound like you want a relationship for financial reasons.

From your tone it's clear this relationship is not right for you, so you need to end it.

What stands out is that you disagree on parenting. Why on earth would you consider carrying on with this man when you have 2 children and you disagree on the fundamentals of how to bring up children?

Are you that desperate for any man you think something so important doesn't matter?

Concentrate on your children and making ends meet.
How are the children after the abusive relationship? Are they settled.
You don't have time for this relationship.
I'd break up with him.

If the idea of the rest of your life with him fills you with sadness, I think there is a clear answer there - move on. If you are honest with yourself, it also seems you are looking for someone in a better position than you or him financially. I imagine it has been difficult to adjust financially post divorce.

Should I stay because he’s the nicest man I’ve been with?
You don't need a man
Or should I move on in the hope that other good men actually also exist?
You don't need a man
Am I the idiot who can’t see what they’ve got? You don't need a man
Or should I wait to meet someone who makes me excited about the future?
You don't need a man

Just because you really like him, and because he has some admirable qualities, it doesn’t mean it’s right. And I think in your heart you know it’s not.
Maybe part of it is that the timing isn’t right either. I don’t know how you can be arsed with another relationship after what you’ve been through 💐

Can’t it just be a casual relationship? It doesn’t need to be all or nothing. You don’t need to be together for children. Just stay as you are until you decide. I agree that if you are working and still on UC you aren’t that wealthy. Just keep it casual

You’re barely out of a horrible marriage. Be single. You absolutely don’t need a relationship, far less one with a penniless man with whom you disagree politically and on parenting.

The idea of him fills you with sadness???

Er, let me think.....

I am the OP but I'm totally confused by how to reply under the username Joisworried - however, have nothing to hide!

I'm already so grateful for the responses.

Just to be clear I left my husband in 2019. I've not had a serious relationship since. I don't feel that I've rushed into anything.

My ex was awarded 50:50 by the courts so I have half my time alone, which is when I have time to date.

I totally understand that I don't NEED a man, but I'm someone who loves to be with people and really would prefer to share a life with a partner eventually, is that so awful as a life goal? And I don't want to waste his time or mine.

When you say older, how much older? Because the last thing you want is to be free of the financial shackles of bringing up children, only to be responsible for a man who is too old to work and relies on you for money.

Having said that, there is a lot to be said for a kind man, there aren’t many around IME. I think you need to give some serious thought to why being with him long term gives you a feeling of sadness, if you can unpick that you will get your answer.

Parenting and politics (especially in this political climate) are massive things to disagree on, so I'd put money on that causing future issues if you do decide to continue this.

You’re barely keeping afloat yourself. Do you really want to be supporting someone who lives ‘hand to mouth’? And how much older is he? Because if there’s anything I see with the men of my big wad family and ILs is that men in construction/labouring/heavy manual jobs struggle as their bodies can no longer hack it.

I think you’re making a pertinent point LOSTVAGUENESS25 in that am I with him because a good, kind man is a wonderful rarity? Or Or is he just the only good man I’VE known, and that plenty more do exist …

He’s 58. So 12 years older than me

Should I stay because he’s the nicest man I’ve been with?
Or should I move on in the hope that other good men actually also exist?

You should put yourself and your DC first, and not worry about meeting men.

I’m very happy now. But I’ve been with him well over a year. I want to build a life with someone I have a future with.

Nah throw this one back, the disagreement in politics and parenteill slowly cast a shadow over the relationship. Are your differences in political views akin to Labour vs reform? If so, then you're definitely in for a rough ride eventually, best end it now. Your view points are too wide to bridge the gap.