Kind but very poor boyfriend . Should I stay or go?

[Joisworried]

PLEASE be gentle. I have PTSD from my ex husband’s abuse.

I’m 46. Have been divorced 2 years, separated 5 years. I have two kids under 12. One is severely disabled, I am his main carer.

After the most traumatic divorce I’m finally free, but I’m pretty broke because of it (especially vs the life I had with my rich-but-controlling husband).
There’s no question that I did the right thing in leaving him and I continue to work all the hours I can (as I also always did while we were married) to bring in as much income as I can to support the children and me. I
now own a heavily mortgaged but tiny house and lease my car. I accept Universal Credit to top up my earnings and am extremely careful with household bills (batch cooking/deals/vouchers. Etc)

I met a lovely older man on a dating app in April 24. He is one of the most emotionally intelligent men I have ever known. He is considerate,
fun, kind, compassionate, generous and the intimacy is amazing.

However he is verging on penniless (works very hard as a labourer - but it’s all hand to mouth). He has two older kids, each from different mothers (I’m explaining for context not judgment).
But we definitely disagree on politics and parenting.

i simply cannot decide whether or not to stay or go.
We have probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. However the idea of the rest of my life with him fills me with sadness. And I don’t really know why.
Should I stay because he’s the nicest man I’ve been with?
Or should I move on in the hope that other good men actually also exist?

Am I the idiot who can’t see what they’ve got? Or should I wait to meet someone who makes me excited about the future?

We have probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. However the idea of the rest of my life with him fills me with sadness.

The best relationship you've ever had fills you with sadness at the prospect of lasting...

Just because he's nice and what you had before was worse doesn't mean it's right. He's broke, you have fundamentally different outlooks on important things and most of all, you're miserable at the idea of it lasting. Clearly this is not meant to be. Don't let your horrible ex make you think anything else not only can do but must do.

Hi op i think the fact you have posted this thread means you are not sure about him and that's fine. It would be sad to know that in one future scenario there would be no provision for holidays, treats and comfort. This doesn't make you a bad person or someone who is going for someone for money. The whole point of dating is to get to know possible suitors. This one has elements of things you like but doesn't sound like the one for the reasons you have mentioned. It sounds stressful to be with someone with no financial plan.

She does not focus on the finances rather than the politics and parenting. She mentions each once.

Jesus, the OP's only written one post. Read it at least.

The very fact you are posting this indicates this isn’t the guy for you.

If he were the One these thoughts at this early stage in your relationship wouldn’t cross your mind

Take your own advice and read the title ' Kind but very poor boyfriend...'

The lack of money is clearly the main issue for the OP.

You don't agree on parenting or politics but it's his income that is the issue to you?

I don’t think you are wrong for wanting long term partnership and love. But I wonder whether your terrible experiences have reset what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship? What you define as kindness and empathy might be the bare minimum someone without your experiences expects from a partner… and what is on offer from more men than you might expect…

I also wonder whether the parenting and political differences mean you won’t be able to go the difference in the long run anyway? I couldn’t be with someone with different parenting to me because my parenting reflects my values, what I think is best for children and my children in particular. I will always, always, always put their wellbeing first. Politically I couldn’t make it out the stocks if my views and his are polarised. English people looking towards Trump sound pretty far down a far rightwing, online rabbit hole, to me so it would be a nonstarter.

Finally there’s nothing wrong with thinking about financial security. Hand to mouth with dependents at his age, means any life you have together won’t be comfortable. It’s not a blip you can work through together it sounds like it will be your life. That’s not what I want.

I wouldn't be worried about the money tbh, I'd be worried about the other differences, and the fact that something about the relationship is making you sad.

You’re not excited about the future with him because he’s not rich enough to help support you? Why are you looking for a man to do this? It sounds to me like you should be firmly focused on yourself and your kids right now.

When it’s clearly and definitely’right’, you don’t need to ask mumsnet. It’s ok but it’s not a great perfect relationship and nor do you have to settle like this. Have a break from dating for a bit, I don’t think the fact you’re both on low incomes should be the deal breaker but it sounds like that is a red flag for you.

Absolutely no way would I entertain a relationship with this person! Being penniless, especially when older, would be a massive turn-off!! Why has he no money?

Why would you take on a man with this kind of baggage? You will end up caring and supporting him in a few years, and you already have enough of that.

And that's OK. She has difficult circumstances herself and money is the number 1 thing that couples argue about. It's fine to take it into consideration in a relationship. She isn't looking for a sugar daddy but she also isn't looking to make her already difficult life even harder.

Aim higher. It’s completely possible to meet someone who’s lovely, kind, you agree on the important things like parenting and politics AND who isn’t penniless.

If you don’t meet that person then stay single.

To answer your specific question, yes, you should leave him.

You do not have the resources to house and feed another adult should the relationship progress.

If he should suddenly become incapacitated and unable to work, you may feel obliged to care for him.

We have probably the best relationship I’ve ever had.

but your benchmark OP is probably in the gutter

His financial situation woll only get worse. Labouring is generally a young man's game. Does he generally lose jobs quite often? Because honestly, I've found by 40s most labourers aren't really keeping up with the work flow required.
I'd also be surprised if he doesn't already have health issues from his job that leads further into the cycle of no work and long months with short money.

As someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I worry that you may be vulnerable and swapping the usual way of being abused for a relationship that will leave you even more financially unstable. You are obviously trying really hard to keep yourself afloat and he may be what sinks the ship financially speaking.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't continue a casual relationship if it's something you both want, however I think you both need to consider what relationship you're both aiming for. If not casual, then I think you need to split.
I think that if someone wants to be all in, and they're in a relationship that'll never progress because one side doesn't see it in their interests that's quite emotionally damaging

You have two kids under 12 and disagree with him on parenting, that alone should have you ending the relationship.

OP, i think when you leave a terrible relationship with someone horrible, anyone who’s kind must seem like an incredible find. But many men are kind, despite what you read on MN!

Your gut here is the most important thing to listen to. When you’re in love, the thought of spending your life with that person fills you with immense joy. But you get the opposite feeling. You need to listen to that. You might be fond of your partner; grateful that he’s kind and not abusive; you might find him good company, etc. But clearly this doesn’t sound like Love.

Supporting your partner in old age will mean less resources for your child. Do you want to do that?

Surely if the thought of spending the rest of your life with him fill you with sadness then he’s not the one.

You should take your own advice.

The OP has written several posts. You obviously haven’t read the thread. She’s posting as @Pearlsablinger.

I thought it wasn't possible to name change mid thread any more.

Maybe she’s posting under a different account as the other name isn’t highlighted in purple or green for me.

Your post is riddled with contradictions. He’s the best ever, but imagining anlife with him fills you with sadness. It’s the best relationship you’ve ever had, but you disagree on politics and parenting… both huge issues.
you seem seriously obsessed with having a relationship.
I suggest you stay single for a while and think about why you so desperately need to have a man in your life.

Forget the money, I couldn't be with someone I disagreed about parenting. It will slowly eat at your relationship