Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Kind but very poor boyfriend . Should I stay or go?

254 replies

Joisworried · 24/07/2025 23:08

PLEASE be gentle. I have PTSD from my ex husband’s abuse.

I’m 46. Have been divorced 2 years, separated 5 years. I have two kids under 12. One is severely disabled, I am his main carer.

After the most traumatic divorce I’m finally free, but I’m pretty broke because of it (especially vs the life I had with my rich-but-controlling husband).
There’s no question that I did the right thing in leaving him and I continue to work all the hours I can (as I also always did while we were married) to bring in as much income as I can to support the children and me. I
now own a heavily mortgaged but tiny house and lease my car. I accept Universal Credit to top up my earnings and am extremely careful with household bills (batch cooking/deals/vouchers. Etc)

I met a lovely older man on a dating app in April 24. He is one of the most emotionally intelligent men I have ever known. He is considerate,
fun, kind, compassionate, generous and the intimacy is amazing.

However he is verging on penniless (works very hard as a labourer - but it’s all hand to mouth). He has two older kids, each from different mothers (I’m explaining for context not judgment).
But we definitely disagree on politics and parenting.

i simply cannot decide whether or not to stay or go.
We have probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. However the idea of the rest of my life with him fills me with sadness. And I don’t really know why.
Should I stay because he’s the nicest man I’ve been with?
Or should I move on in the hope that other good men actually also exist?

Am I the idiot who can’t see what they’ve got? Or should I wait to meet someone who makes me excited about the future?

OP posts:
FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 25/07/2025 00:06

Pearlsablinger · 25/07/2025 00:03

I’m very happy now. But I’ve been with him well over a year. I want to build a life with someone I have a future with.

Are you the OP @Pearlsablinger? Your posts are green for me.

Pearlsablinger · 25/07/2025 00:08

Yes I’m Joisworried, the OP. I just can’t work out how to reply as the OP. Sorry

Lmox · 25/07/2025 00:15

I don’t think people who are saying focus on your children are being fair. You are entitled to want love and companionship even if you are a mother.

my advice wouldn’t be to dump him just yet, especially not if he’s as kind as you say. Do some self reflection. What is it that actually fills you with sadness? Is it the idea of not having holidays? Nice things? Lack of stability? When you figure out what it is, CRUCIALLY… discuss it with him. If this could potentially be make or break, he deserves to be brought into the conversation. Maybe there are solutions you can work through together. Maybe not, but at least you’ll have given you both a chance to make it work and whatever the outcome, you’re less likely to regret it.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 25/07/2025 00:17

Pearlsablinger · 24/07/2025 23:51

I am the OP but I'm totally confused by how to reply under the username Joisworried - however, have nothing to hide!

I'm already so grateful for the responses.

Just to be clear I left my husband in 2019. I've not had a serious relationship since. I don't feel that I've rushed into anything.

My ex was awarded 50:50 by the courts so I have half my time alone, which is when I have time to date.

I totally understand that I don't NEED a man, but I'm someone who loves to be with people and really would prefer to share a life with a partner eventually, is that so awful as a life goal? And I don't want to waste his time or mine.

He's the best of a bad bunch, not someone you're in love with.
Obviously it is your choice, I'd personally wait until the children are older, join a social group or a man that you actually like.
Has he questioned your parenting??

Pearlsablinger · 25/07/2025 00:25

Lmox that’s exactly it.
I think I crave a future more than it will be with him. I don’t want to spend my retirement at the laundrette and at the allotment. Yes I’m aware I sound snobbish.
He means well and is kind, but he supports Trump and is happy to leave his 12 year old alone for hours on end. I don’t see how either of these would have a major impact on my life. But I want to fully respect the man I’m with. I do in terms of personality, empathy etc.
I feel like I’ve only know arrogant, misogynistic city boys (yes I’m quite Middle class/Home Counties), it’s so lovely to be with a man who cares about my opinion and feelings

Pearlsablinger · 25/07/2025 00:26

No he’s not the type of personality to question or criticise anything I do. It’s a heavenly breath of fresh air

LimeQuoter · 25/07/2025 00:29

I would take things slowly. If he has 2 children by 2 different women, there may be an issue somewhere. There may not either but keep it in mind. If you care about him that much I say stay with him and try to work out the money thing together first. There may be a solution somewhere, overtime/upping his prices a little if he's self employed, you doing a part time job online from home, customer service, admin etc, selling stuff ye don't want

KittytheHare · 25/07/2025 00:56

Well then you’re answering your own question here. You do want a committed partnership for your future, just not with someone who’s a penniless labourer pushing 60, who’s a Trump supporter and an irresponsible dad. I think that’s fair enough. Get rid.

Meadowfinch · 25/07/2025 01:06

Where is the rush to make a decision? You have young children, so you date casually for as long as it takes for you to be sure what you want.

In this case, he makes you sad and you disagree on politics and parenting. So he couldn't have any involvement in your children's lives. It doesn't sound like a great prospect.

TheSilentSister · 25/07/2025 01:11

I understand OP. When I separated I did a lot of OLD (on line dating) and met a lot of nice blokes who were basically broke. Quite common in the 40/50 odd year group. I was on UC myself but managed well. I just couldn't see a future with them, not because I couldn't or even wanted to leech off them, I just didn't want to compromise what I was able to do on my own. Simple things like suggesting a day/night out - they can't afford it etc. I don't expect to be paid for but don't want to live my life like a church mouse.

mmsnet · 25/07/2025 03:13

you just want a rich bloke rather than a nice one

says it all really

Monty27 · 25/07/2025 03:18

Blimey no @Joisworried . You need a fresh and happy life, not a pallet full of baggage.

bert3400 · 25/07/2025 03:23

In 10 years he'll be 68, you may end up being his carer if you continue this relationship, he will be on a basic pension and we all know that's the bare minimum. You have you ask, what kind of future is that for you once your children have grown up. Will you child with a disability be able to have an independent life or will you be his/her career as well? Will you be able to carry on working in 10 years time ? He maybe the nicest man you've ever had a relationship with but is that enough long term ?

Butterflywings84 · 25/07/2025 03:28

It sounds like he has been a breath of fresh air since your last relationship but that doesn’t mean he is the only option for you and I think you have answered your own question saying the thought of a future with him makes you sad. If you are ready to find a long term partner then it doesn’t sound like this is him - you should definitely be excited about your future with someone at this stage with them.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 25/07/2025 03:49

By all means go after someone with money, but it doesn't sound like you have a lot of your own to bring to a relationship, so you might not get many takers.

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 25/07/2025 04:02

supports a child rapist who likes to grab them by the pussy. ffs

Augustus40 · 25/07/2025 04:12

Disagreeing on politics and parenting are in fact quite major areas. It would be preferable to work on your existing support network and stay away from relationships a bit longer.

Steelworks · 25/07/2025 04:18

I think his financial situation will grate on you in the future, if you’re having to pay for coffee, meaks etc all the time., or you’re restricted from going out because he can’t afford it.

Also, be wary. Theres never a man so keen as a woman with her own house.

If you’re not excited about the future, says it all.

Can you keep him in friend territory, rather than partner?

NextToNever · 25/07/2025 04:20

I’d end the relationship. You disagree on important things and aren’t excited about the future with him. His lack of money may also stop you doing things in the future with him. Don’t settle.

Tandora · 25/07/2025 04:29

Hi OP. You need to end this. As nice as he is he can’t give you the things that you need from a partnership. it’s early days anyway and he might not turn out to even be as nice as you think.
Move on and find someone who makes you feel optimistic about the future x

Tulpenkavalier · 25/07/2025 04:35

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 25/07/2025 03:49

By all means go after someone with money, but it doesn't sound like you have a lot of your own to bring to a relationship, so you might not get many takers.

Oh FFS, you are being very unfair to the OP… A man who is a NMW labourer in his late 50s and who is living hand to mouth will no doubt have made minimal or no provision for his retirement. Given the age difference she would no doubt end up supporting him. As she is quite poor herself, why would she want this.

Thats before we get to the fact that she clearly is not in love with this man and the thought of continuing the relationship fills her with sadness. Plus disagreement about politics and parenting suggests a very fundamental incompatibility.

This is never going to work, @Joisworried - better to be without a man than ‘making do’ and risk ending up as a nurse with a purse.

Rayqueen · 25/07/2025 04:53

Sounds like your wanting a guy for money not love so sad

Teanbiscuits33 · 25/07/2025 04:59

‘Kind’ and ‘Trump supporter’ seems somewhat of an oxymoron. Perhaps your idea of kind is skewed after your abusive relationship.

bingewatchingnetflix · 25/07/2025 05:00

Are you for real? As in, are you actually contemplating this??
Your post seems very much about you and how you feel.. overly emotional yet this man can provide nothing and probably sees you as a meal ticket.

would it be so awful to put your children first for the last few years?? Then you can go with any hobo you like.

SortingItOut · 25/07/2025 05:01

How do your finances work now?

Who pays for dates?
Does he come to yours or are you going to his? If you stay in a lot who pays for food etc?

What is his pension provision like?
I am assuming he has none except state pension....what will he do in retirement?

What do you hope your retirement looks like?
If its days out and holidays would he he able to afford this?

Too be honest my biggest concern wouldn't be his money it would be leaving his child home alone for up to 12 hours...is this so he can see you or to go to work or for other reasons?

Swipe left for the next trending thread