Kind but very poor boyfriend . Should I stay or go?

[Joisworried]

PLEASE be gentle. I have PTSD from my ex husband’s abuse.

I’m 46. Have been divorced 2 years, separated 5 years. I have two kids under 12. One is severely disabled, I am his main carer.

After the most traumatic divorce I’m finally free, but I’m pretty broke because of it (especially vs the life I had with my rich-but-controlling husband).
There’s no question that I did the right thing in leaving him and I continue to work all the hours I can (as I also always did while we were married) to bring in as much income as I can to support the children and me. I
now own a heavily mortgaged but tiny house and lease my car. I accept Universal Credit to top up my earnings and am extremely careful with household bills (batch cooking/deals/vouchers. Etc)

I met a lovely older man on a dating app in April 24. He is one of the most emotionally intelligent men I have ever known. He is considerate,
fun, kind, compassionate, generous and the intimacy is amazing.

However he is verging on penniless (works very hard as a labourer - but it’s all hand to mouth). He has two older kids, each from different mothers (I’m explaining for context not judgment).
But we definitely disagree on politics and parenting.

i simply cannot decide whether or not to stay or go.
We have probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. However the idea of the rest of my life with him fills me with sadness. And I don’t really know why.
Should I stay because he’s the nicest man I’ve been with?
Or should I move on in the hope that other good men actually also exist?

Am I the idiot who can’t see what they’ve got? Or should I wait to meet someone who makes me excited about the future?

Thé financial situation isn’t great but as long as he isn’t in debt, I wouldn’t strike him off for that.

but as PP said, you don’t sound happy. That’s what worries me about this whole thing.

• you’ve been seeing him a few weeks, you don’t need to be thinking about the rest of your life. Have fun. Enjoy your time with him.
• you’re on benefits so you are in the same position as him. Money in the bank is not your value as a person.
• you have your own home and unless you find yourself subsidising him then it’s irrelevant what his financial position is to you.
• turnit around and he could post all the same.

but

• if the thought of him makes you feel sad, is it worth it? No probably not. He isn’t making you happy or is it the thought of not being looked after financially? I think you need to think about this. If this is the case then you need to work on supporting yourself, improving your career etc. this is important.

Leave him. You're a strong woman. You're all that your children need. Depend on no one, other than yourself.

You sound a bit as though you want rescuing. You need to sort your own future so you’re not reliant on anyone. The fact you can tolerate a Trump supporter when you’re a normal person makes me think your standards have been lowered in order to have a man in your life.
The pickings for a mum with a very dependent child are slim so as long as you can frame it that you enjoy his company for a casual relationship that’s fine. I wouldn’t think he’s preventing you from finding another source of companionship who has the bonus of being rich and sharing your values.
And he’s too old really.

Why can't you enjoy the relationship for what it is, no need to live together and combine finances.

You say that you're broke (compared to your previous situation with your wealthy ex) but seem to see your new partner being 'penniless' as an issue. Presumably he doesn't feel that way about you?

Are you judging your new relationship as a clean slate, or are you judging it based on his ability - or inability - to provide the material quality of life that your ex did?

You can't buy happiness, but money almost universally makes life better/easier. That's a fact, and anyone who disagrees hasn't had any. Going from a life where you've had it, to a life where you don't have it, will be particularly trying, especially where dependants are involved.

Some of the strongest, most wonderful, inspiring relationships I know have survived hardships much worse than being skint...only you can decide if this one is worth navigating.

@Joisworried I think the money thing is a red herring. You just aren't sure about him and are wondering whether the grass is greener. To me, it seems like you can see the obvious flaws but are scared to look outside. Parenting differences, financial differences plus 2 children from different mums. These are all key things which I think you know you're worried about/didnt see in your future.

Its tough I know, and the right thing is to end it, but depends how strong you are.

is he a farage supporter?
GB news watcher?

i dont know why if he is the nicest man you are considering leaving him
i dont see negatives

OP- ignore the posters trying to make out you’re a gold digger. It’s important a partner doesn’t make you worse off. And this guy does.

you have kids to support. Don’t be ashamed of saying financial stability is important. My ex was penniless and it meant I was hugely resentful as main breadwinner.

his age and financial situation are red flags to me. He sounds like the kind of guy who sees you as a posh bird with a house. You can also look after him when you’re older. Sounds like potential cock lodger to me.

they are always nice to start with- until he gets his feet under the table.

and the Trump supporting is a serious red flag. It shows a misogynistic view of the world. He thinks the world owes him a living because he’s a white man.

id avoid like the plague!

and even if you like this relationship, there’s no need to rush into anything. I get you want to be in a good relationship, but that doesn’t mean marriage - or him moving in!

in fact, if he knows you don’t want him to move in or get married, you’ll see his true colours

If you’re having any doubts then he’s not the one for you

Worse - Trump!

Why are you thinking in terms of the rest of your life with this man? If he is nice and your relationship is good, enjoy it for what it is now.

He's your boyfriend, you don't have to set up home with him. It sounds as though that wouldn't be a good idea anyway as you have different ideas about parenting and politics. However nothing wrong with caring for each other and having some fun while it lasts.

You've been in a marriage which came to an end. You've got your life together, are independent and single. Make the most of it. Enjoy what you have with this man but take it no further - be honest and make sure he doesn't have ideas of getting his feet too comfortably under the table.

Just have some fun. Why involve yourself in anything serious?

you want a different retirement, and not with someone on a state pension - by the sound of it
plus he is 12 years older than you
only you can answer this @Joisworried

Money in the bank does not reflect your value as a person, but your attitude to money does.

this man is nearing retirement with no savings or pension.

he can’t provide enough for himself to have a comfortable life, so unless the OP wants a life down the allotment, and hand to mouth, it’s going to be very hard.

in 10 years time, he won’t even be able to afford a week in Benidorm. Where’s the quality of life

Here they are:

Trump supporter, i.e favours a sex pest
Differing parental views
Age gap
He lives hand to mouth
She's not looking forward to it

'Nuff said.

Continue to date. Live separately. Separate money. You do you and he does him. See each other a few times a week. Have your own space. Don't become his carer. Don't give him money

agree, you dont have to combine your lives, particularly as he has 12 year old but you can decide if you want to continue the relationship

parenting and finances aren’t an issue while you are dating. But they are major problems for people living together.it’s unlikely you would be happy long term so I would end it

If you have half your time alone could you think about doing some training to improve your earning potential?

Set up a side hustle?

join a few clubs expand your social circle? you may meet someone better suited there or you may not but you’ll be doing stuff you enjoy.

Relying on any man to be your alll is a bad plan. this man in particular is not for you. Too old & broke & your values don’t align. I’m close to his age. Most men my age haven’t got more interesting with time.

You’re still young, there’s a world of possibilities out there.

When I met my husband, he was awful with money, so irresponsible and an all round crazy choice for a young single mother (we were both young). My friends thought I was crackers.

We were completely in agreement about parenting, politics, all the big stuff.

That has turned out to be far more important than the money side! Very happily married, barely a cross word in all of this time, and once he had us, he settled down straight away, made wiser choices and now is a very, very high earner and we have a lifestyle that I could never have even dreamed of.

In short, the money isn’t the issue. The misaligned values are.

Threads like this are like watching the OP have a slow moving car crash

So the Op is “pretty broke” and has two young children, one of whom will likely be dependent on her for life.

and she’s asking if wise to get together with a virtually “penniless” man.

I mean, where to start? Not much point really probably

Just remember with online dating, the first few months they are on their best behaviour. It only goes one way from there!