Kind but very poor boyfriend . Should I stay or go?

[Joisworried]

PLEASE be gentle. I have PTSD from my ex husband’s abuse.

I’m 46. Have been divorced 2 years, separated 5 years. I have two kids under 12. One is severely disabled, I am his main carer.

After the most traumatic divorce I’m finally free, but I’m pretty broke because of it (especially vs the life I had with my rich-but-controlling husband).
There’s no question that I did the right thing in leaving him and I continue to work all the hours I can (as I also always did while we were married) to bring in as much income as I can to support the children and me. I
now own a heavily mortgaged but tiny house and lease my car. I accept Universal Credit to top up my earnings and am extremely careful with household bills (batch cooking/deals/vouchers. Etc)

I met a lovely older man on a dating app in April 24. He is one of the most emotionally intelligent men I have ever known. He is considerate,
fun, kind, compassionate, generous and the intimacy is amazing.

However he is verging on penniless (works very hard as a labourer - but it’s all hand to mouth). He has two older kids, each from different mothers (I’m explaining for context not judgment).
But we definitely disagree on politics and parenting.

i simply cannot decide whether or not to stay or go.
We have probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. However the idea of the rest of my life with him fills me with sadness. And I don’t really know why.
Should I stay because he’s the nicest man I’ve been with?
Or should I move on in the hope that other good men actually also exist?

Am I the idiot who can’t see what they’ve got? Or should I wait to meet someone who makes me excited about the future?

I think, subconsciously, you’re looking for a knight in shining armour……someone to look after you, pamper you, and make the garden rosy again……..Sorry girl, that only happens in romance novels and short stories published in magazines.

Your focus now should be your children and keeping a roof over your heads. You appear clued up with household budgeting from your reference to batch cooking etc. This bloke is living hand to mouth, also has two children to provide for and personally I wouldn’t trust him…….my gut tells me he’s looking for somewhere to live, probably rent free, where he can kick back, enjoy the hospitality and bed action and pay nowt in return because “his kids need new shoes, are going on a school trip, my cars broken down, his ex has fleeced him again” . Get my drift….?

Your assessment on what kind of man he is is based on only about 12 weeks.
You disagree on parenting and politics.
The thought of a future with him makes you sad.

End it now.

Why does it have to be the type of relationship that combines finances etc - just date the guy and live separately, have your own money and live your own lives.

Of course you have posters saying you don’t need a man and while that’s certainly true, if companionship is important to you a relationship is the easiest way to get it.

However I don’t think someone with such hugely different values and, I’m assuming, a very different level of education can really provide the companionship you need.

It seems to me you have such low self esteem and are so lonely you have just got together with the first man you’ve come across, It’s really like you went out in the street and just picked the first man you saw. A trump-supporting labourer near 60 with two kids to different mums and who leaves one of those kids alone all day? I mean really?

Don’t bring him into your kids’ lives. They deserve better. And so do you, but if it takes you a while to understabd that then you could keep seeing him very casually in the meantime, I suppose. There’s no future in this, and that’s not about the money.

This!

Temporarily yes. But the longer she does this the less likely she is to find a decent relationship, and at only 46 she’s still got a reasonable chance of finding one.

Two years post divorce from an abusive relarionship is not long enough for you to make a rational decision about this I.e choosing a new life partner.

You are in the beginning of a new phase. Let it roll and don't feel pressured to commit.

I would gently say stay away from the dating sites for a bit. You've got a lot on your plate and you are obviously someone who does a lot of 'caring' with young children and one disabled. Men like to home in on caring women because they know that they will do a lot of the heavy lifting in a relationship and often be too nice to say 'no' or 'that's enough' or even 'clear off and never see me again'.

I think you need to concentrate on YOU, on being happy and healthy and stable and you have too much else to think about at the moment. Your children are very young and need you, you have what sounds like horrible bills to pay and you're not long out of a dreadful marriage. Learn to love you first and look at bringing a man into the set up in a few years. This guy sounds nice at the moment but there are already differences (parenting!) which are showing and it's not even been that long. He might just want someone who owns a house, and while I'm sure you are lovely, he might not be quite as lovely.

Just date casually for a bit and enjoy yourself? The low income imo is less problematic that differing political and parenting views.

Or just be together but live apart 🤷

You shouldn't be with someone you disagree about parenting with. Not when you have children.

Where are people getting 12 weeks from?

She said in her OP she met him in April 2024.

Honestly, this thread is like being in a parallel universe.

For the purpose of clarifying a few things (which I know right now will make no difference):

• OP posted her initial thread-opener as @Joisworried . Thereafter she posted as @Pearlsablinger

• She separated from her husband in 2019.

• She met. her new partner in April 2024.

46 is not almost 50.

I think I'd give it a miss. Long term you won't be able to live together equally, go on holidays, retire equally etc if he is that poor you'll always be subsidising him. You could of course keep lives and finances separate and just date him forever without living together or going on holidays etc.

However the wildly different views on parenting and politics would also probably be a deal breaker for me. That's three very substantial areas of your lives you have different views and approaches. Which means you're unlikely to be compatible in the long term

What a thoroughly wicked reply. At no point did she mention a sugar daddy; it’s ok to expect her partner to be comfortable financially.
There is a difference.

State retirement age will be 67 or 68 for him
However, he can continue to work after state pension age if he wishes.

I would take "kind" over money every time

You may not be in a relationship with him in 10 years time

I think you need to spend time focusing on yourself and your kids and not dating.

It sounds like you could do with some time to learn about healthy relationships too and why you choose men who have little to offer. I would try to access some counselling first to unpack all that.

This man is not right for you.

Just focus on your kids. If this man is nice and good company, enjoy that when you have time to yourself if you want to. It doesn't have to be forever.

Just focus on your kids. If this man is nice and good company, enjoy that when you have time to yourself if you want to. It doesn't have to be forever.

Sometimes people enter our lives for a reason, but that doesn’t mean they’re right forever. I think that you should think of him as Mr Right-Now, rather than Mr Right.

You’ve said how kind he is and he may well be the person who helps you to heal after your abusive marriage. That’s a lovely thing, and what you need now, but he’s possibly not a good long-term bet based on your differences and his situation.

Perhaps this relationship is more of a stepping stone to mending your self-esteem? When you move on, you’ll be in a better emotional place to either meet your right person or to confidently be on your own.

!00% agree.

It's an incel/MRA trying to upset an already vulnerable woman. This is why women stay with men who ruin them; they're scared that if they don't, they'll be seen as gold diggers. I don't know why these dudes are so worried about gold diggers anyway, they've never got anything to dig.

Edited to correct typo. MRA not TRA.

But she might want one?

I would think if you don't agree on parenting, and have disabled dc it's a no go.
Also, the first person to show you affection after a long marraige is unlikely to be your life partner.
Id learn from it and move it.