Kind but very poor boyfriend . Should I stay or go?

[Joisworried]

PLEASE be gentle. I have PTSD from my ex husband’s abuse.

I’m 46. Have been divorced 2 years, separated 5 years. I have two kids under 12. One is severely disabled, I am his main carer.

After the most traumatic divorce I’m finally free, but I’m pretty broke because of it (especially vs the life I had with my rich-but-controlling husband).
There’s no question that I did the right thing in leaving him and I continue to work all the hours I can (as I also always did while we were married) to bring in as much income as I can to support the children and me. I
now own a heavily mortgaged but tiny house and lease my car. I accept Universal Credit to top up my earnings and am extremely careful with household bills (batch cooking/deals/vouchers. Etc)

I met a lovely older man on a dating app in April 24. He is one of the most emotionally intelligent men I have ever known. He is considerate,
fun, kind, compassionate, generous and the intimacy is amazing.

However he is verging on penniless (works very hard as a labourer - but it’s all hand to mouth). He has two older kids, each from different mothers (I’m explaining for context not judgment).
But we definitely disagree on politics and parenting.

i simply cannot decide whether or not to stay or go.
We have probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. However the idea of the rest of my life with him fills me with sadness. And I don’t really know why.
Should I stay because he’s the nicest man I’ve been with?
Or should I move on in the hope that other good men actually also exist?

Am I the idiot who can’t see what they’ve got? Or should I wait to meet someone who makes me excited about the future?

If you are questioning the relationship then it is not right.
The difference in parenting and politics is better avoided.

If you were looking at your situation would you consider yourself a good prospect?

What type of future are you looking for?

What exactly do you disagree with on parenting as that to me is the important factor here

I agree entirely with this. His downfall is not being rich. Neither are you and yet he is still with you. If he is trying to sponge off you fair enough otherwise let him go poor man.

I don’t like the sound of what not agreeing with him on parenting or politics is covering. Sounds like he might not be that kind really. Why not just have enjoyed the intimacy and move on. There’ll be better potential partners down the line but this one is not a prospect and it’s not because of the money; it’s not the right fit in several ways and the longer you keep going with it, the harder it’ll be to get out.

Allow yourself this interim relationship. Enjoy it for now and end it when you've had enough. You do not have to consider every relationship as a potential life time partnership. You are free!

Goodness please no. Just message this weekend “sorry it’s not working, I want to devote myself to my children” and if you want a relationship be careful and find someone else. This guy being there prevents you from finding the right person

Nope move along.

Exactly! If he was broke but the idea of being without him made you feel sad.... but I'd walk away from this one and give yourself more time to heal and build your confidence

What has the OP said to allow you to infer this?

I'd seriously frown on him for being a Trump supporter, but leaving his 12yo alone for hours would be unacceptable behaviour I couldn't overlook.

You don't say how old his other child is, but he'll be having to support the 12yo for years yet. At 58, how long does he think he can continue in a manual job as a labourer? How does he plan to support himself when he retires?

You can't have him move in if he's not self sufficient as it will affect your UC payments. I'd personally keep looking OP, but maybe look for someone who isn't so much older than you. There will be other nice men out there, you just need to sift through the dross to find them. As another pp has said, they're generally on their best behaviour at the beginning, so you may not yet know the "real" man you're currently seeing.

I would try to get my finances improved so I could pay someone to help with DC giving some time for you to get out and have some me time get some interests/fitness going

I’d urge you not to look for another man yet. I thought I was better a year or two after I left my abusive ex, and I dated someone and we moved in (🤦‍♀️) but almost immediately he became aggressive and then violent. It took five years of being on my own and then I met someone and I was able to see (and act on) red flags. In hindsight there were red flags all over dickhead#2 and I didn’t do anything with them (🤦‍♀️). In hindsight I’d never had a healthy relationship!

please do the freedom programme and read Lundy Bancroft ‘Why Does He Do That’ and please be single for a long time. It’s the only way to move away from your patterns and find a healthy relationship.

The fact that he is a Trump supporter and leaves his 12 year old alone for hours on end seems like a very secondary consideration for @Pearlsablinger in view of her thread title.

Rather the issue is that she's with someone as poor as she is whilst her former partner, although awful, was well-off.

Obviously I don't think you should stay with someone who the thought of being with for the rest of your life makes you feel sad. But if your idea of moving on in search of a 'good' man equates to one as wealthy as your former husband, I think you need to be realistic. Rich men don't grow on trees. They become even more of a rarity for women in their mid-40s with very dependent children.

For various reasons it doesn't sound like this man is for you. Is he pressuring you for some kind of commitment or is he happy keeping it casual?

This, this, this!

This. With so much to work through and it’s only 2 years, I can’t imagine how you have the time or headspace to go looking for a relationship. This alone will tell you that you don’t have very healthy boundaries.

I understand your concerns regarding his financial situation, especially when yours isn’t great either. If he’s 58 and a labourer, living hand to mouth, there’s probably not a great deal of pension there. How much longer will he be able to work in a physically demanding job like his and will you be taking care of him when you’re still working and relatively young. Also the politics and parenting are pretty major for me.
There are plenty of nice men out there, but it’s best to take some time out to reflect on what you really want before jumping in again. Make sure you’re better matched in future.
I would keep this a more casual thing.

Trump supporter! I could not entertain anyone who supports Trump! I have lived in America too.

I don't think you should leave him because of his bank balance.

I don't think you should stay because you need a man.

I think you should think about the things that matter. You say the thought of staying with him fills you with sadness. You say you disagree on fundamental things (politics, parenting). Those are the things I would focus on. Not the money.

This is what op should be doing not going after a man.

you have a lot on your plate especially with your child, why look for a man now?

It's interesting that you focus on his finances and not the fact you don't agree on parenting or politics which are bigger issues. You have young children so disagreements on parenting will be deal breakers surely ?

He isnt right for you. You have doubts so deep down you know that. Listen to what your gut tells you.

If you enjoy sex with him then carry on until you get bored. There's no real reason why this has to be the be all and end all of relationships.

She said she and ex split in 2019.

Finally a poster who has some decent advice rather than immediately tell you that 6 years is too long between relationships hmm and that you don't need a man. Whilst the latter is true, you are also allowed to want one.

Absolutely do not stay if the idea genuinely fills you with sadness but do try to work out why that is first and discuss it with him. It does not sound like he is the sort if man who does not deserve this consideration and most importantly it will help you live in peace with whatever you decide is right to do.

If you have been in a terrible relationship before you may not be used to this but open conversations about how you are feeling or what you want ( even if it is difficult for the other person to hear ) and how each of you deals with that is important information for you and will help you live with whatever you decide.

Good luck op