Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not go away for 2 weeks after just having a baby?

[Watters01]

My DH is a practicing catholic and, around 18 months ago, was asked if he wanted to go on a pilgrimage to Lourdes. I didn’t want to be the bad guy for saying no so I thought what the hey, it’s only 2 weeks, I can handle 3 kids on my own. Fast forward a few months and we found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our 4th child. I casually mentioned about probably not going on the trip now, as we would have a newborn and it’s a lot to put on me, but he kind of brushed it to one side and said about maybe not doing it. This carried on going like this up until I gave birth with me getting more irate and cross.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, he eventually refused to cancel the trip so in about 2 weeks time I am going to be left on my own for 2 weeks with a newborn, 3yr old, 7yr old and 10yr old. All our family work full time so are unable to help me and to top it off it’s the summer holidays so there’s just no break!
AIBU for being really upset about the whole thing? I appreciate it’s a religious pilgrimage but I feel really resentful and quite. disrespected about the whole thing.

I’ve been to Lourdes before. I honestly can’t see why you’d need two weeks there - a day or two would do it

YANBU that’s terrible behaviour and not very Christian of him

No, YANBU. Lourdes will still be there next year, when you haven't got a newborn. Of course he should be staying at home with you when you need him.

This really should have been sorted out before now. But if it were me, I’d be making it clear that if he put a trip above being a parent and husband when he’s needed the most, he shouldn’t bother coming back.

But if the pilgrimage means a lot to husband and it was preplanned, I think he should go.
Yes, very hard work for op but it is only 2 weeks

Your husband is an arsehole. I bet this isn’t the only time he’s behaved like a selfish bastard in your marriage either, you’ve just felt better able to cope before. I would be telling him not to come back afterwards if he really intends to go.

What would god say? He will be judged for this!

Not sure what you mean by that?

He is being very unreasonable. It would be bad enough with one baby, but with four children it’s a joke.

Yes i was thinking the same as pp: it doesnt sound very Christian behaviour.
I would have thought supporting his wife and doing his bit to look after his children, including his newborn, would be doing his Chritian duty.
I wonder what the fellow pilgrims think of him leaving his family at this time when he is needed at home.

This is not acceptable

Surely the Christian thing to do would be to put his wife, kids and tiny newborn baby's needs above his own wishes and desires. Two weeks away for something non essential, when you've just have given birth, is an incredibly selfish decision.

He is taking the P. He can do this anytime. Right now is not the time. Though I guess better that it’s school hols than term time so you don’t need to get 4 kids out of the door by 8.30

No, you’re absolutely not being unreasonable. It’s a huge ask to care for four kids alone, especially with a newborn and no support. He knew your situation changed and still chose to go. It’s understandable you feel hurt and let down, this should’ve been a joint decision, with your needs taken seriously.

Less about being a Catholic. More about being a man.

Who the heck goes to Lourdes for 2 bloody weeks? Even the catholic school trip my husband went on was over and done with in 4 days.

I would be beyond furious about this. For the previous 3 children has he been fully involved and helpful in the newborn period? It sounds like he must think it's not that hard. Or worse, he knows how hard it'll be and just doesn't care.
I would stop coping before he goes, OP. Take to your bed with baby, do nothing in the house, claim illness if you must, and be sick enough that you are clearly not fit to parent 4 children solo. Call it a mental breakdown if necessary.
Do you attend his church too? Can you drop a word in the vicar's ear?

He should have cancelled the moment you found out you were pregnant. He had no idea how the pregnancy or birth were going to go!

I was going to say the same thing.
Very selfish behaviour. What a useless example of a father and husband

I bet I know what @monicagellerbingmeans 🙄

Most pilgrimages there last a week or less.

I would suggest to him that you go and he stays at home with the four children. See what he thinks of that. I know that is probably logistically impossible but I would be acting as though it wasn't. That it would be no problem to change to formula ect even if, in reality you wouldn't leave your new born. If he has a job and can take time off to go to Lourdes he can take time off to look after yours and his children and give you a break. I know someone who did this pilgrimage in a group which helped the sick and disabled go. Very rewarding, tiring but fun and looks very altruistic to others ..but not really so if you are leaving your wife with the hard slog of 4 small children during the school summer holidays I would be both hurt and resentful if he does this. I would also be making sure that I got off on a two week break doing whatever I find rewarding, leaving him with the kids at some time ASAP in the near future. Doesn't matter whether it is cycling, golf, football or a pilgrimage, it still leaves you with the hard daily slog of the reality of 4 small children. Many men just can't see this unless and until you turn the tables yourself and literally leave them holding the baby/s. 💐

I think there are other ‘C’ words I’d use for him, instead of catholic tbh..

Myself and my husband felt extremely uneasy in Lourdes a few years ago whilst visiting. Spent longer looking for parking than actual time spent there. Depressing and eerie....