Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not go away for 2 weeks after just having a baby?

184 replies

Watters01 · 24/07/2025 20:37

My DH is a practicing catholic and, around 18 months ago, was asked if he wanted to go on a pilgrimage to Lourdes. I didn’t want to be the bad guy for saying no so I thought what the hey, it’s only 2 weeks, I can handle 3 kids on my own. Fast forward a few months and we found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our 4th child. I casually mentioned about probably not going on the trip now, as we would have a newborn and it’s a lot to put on me, but he kind of brushed it to one side and said about maybe not doing it. This carried on going like this up until I gave birth with me getting more irate and cross.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, he eventually refused to cancel the trip so in about 2 weeks time I am going to be left on my own for 2 weeks with a newborn, 3yr old, 7yr old and 10yr old. All our family work full time so are unable to help me and to top it off it’s the summer holidays so there’s just no break!
AIBU for being really upset about the whole thing? I appreciate it’s a religious pilgrimage but I feel really resentful and quite. disrespected about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Floatingdownriver · 25/07/2025 09:26

Think of all the helpers who came to Mary in thr barn. She was NOT left alone. Your DH should also want to be there. LTB.

pizzaHeart · 25/07/2025 09:28

Standardpain · 24/07/2025 20:47

Yes i was thinking the same as pp: it doesnt sound very Christian behaviour.
I would have thought supporting his wife and doing his bit to look after his children, including his newborn, would be doing his Chritian duty.
I wonder what the fellow pilgrims think of him leaving his family at this time when he is needed at home.

This^

Barnbrack · 25/07/2025 09:29

Pretty horrific behaviour, is he always like this? Why are you having children with a selfish goon? Catholic my hole!

DorothyStorm · 25/07/2025 09:32

I have had a look at diocesan pilgrimages to Lourdes in England and Wales for this summer and all are for 7 days. I cannot find any diocese going for two weeks. That doesn't mean there isnt one. But it would (a) be very unusual and (b) I cannot find evidence if it.

@Watters01 Have you actually seen physical confirmation of it?

99bottlesofkombucha · 25/07/2025 09:36

NeedZzzzzssss · 25/07/2025 06:26

The other three seem like the hard bit and OP was fine with that and DH going away, so to me the newborn is the easy part in that whole scenario @99bottlesofkombucha I feel a 7yo and 10 yo are also quite self sufficient and should be able to keep 3yo entertained. Would be harder if there was only a 3yo

Show quote history

Coincidentally, I have a 10, 7 and 3 year old and they are not easy nor are they often useful with their 3yo sibling (sometimes because of them, sometimes because she refuses to be helped by them) in my personal experience asking for quiet to get a baby to sleep has a 100% failure rate.

MimiGC · 25/07/2025 09:38

Anyone who takes 2 weeks to go to Lourdes (which is not that far away) is going on a holiday, not a pilgrimage. Is he walking there?

Viviennemary · 25/07/2025 09:42

The trip has been planned for 18 months, I think he should go. But not for as long as 2 weeks. 4 or 5 days would be plenty.

AffableApple · 25/07/2025 10:14

What if OP had had a big girls' holiday to Ibiza planned? Which meant a lot to her. Then she got unexpectedly pregnant. Surely she'd still get to go, he could handle four kids right?

No, his first duty isn't to God, it's to his wife and family. His jolly to Lourdes can wait. It'll still be there next year. #itsamiracle

SwingTheMonkey · 25/07/2025 10:32

Viviennemary · 25/07/2025 09:42

The trip has been planned for 18 months, I think he should go. But not for as long as 2 weeks. 4 or 5 days would be plenty.

Why should he? Is Lourdes going somewhere? Op has no support and will be at home with a newborn and 3 other children. Why is this trip more important than being a decent husband and father (or just a decent human being, for that matter)?

Zempy · 25/07/2025 11:19

Why does he have to be away for two weeks?

Socksey · 25/07/2025 11:22

He's another of the 'performance Christians'... so does all the public stuff, church etc but none of the actual following of Christ teachings... 🙄

EvelynBeatrice · 25/07/2025 11:37

Tell him to pray for his marriage while there as you’ll be divorcing him.

Blueskies3 · 25/07/2025 11:39

This is ridiculous. Is your husband seriously going on a pilgrimage when you will have four young children? That is pathetic. It sounds like he needs to have a talk with his Priest. It seems like he wants the fun parts of Christianity....without the duty.

Laura95167 · 25/07/2025 19:03

Catholic here!

Id feel closer to God, home supporting my family and bonding with my baby than pilgrimaging to Lourdes. You probably wouldnt need more than 2 days there anyway.

God doesnt need his pilgrimage more than his family needs a husband and father at this moment in time. He could go next year. Or he could take the eldest two to help educate them in their faith

Lovemeapickledgherkin · 25/07/2025 19:05

TWO FECKING WEEKS??????

Soonenough · 25/07/2025 19:08

Is he going as a volunteer or a helper ? Otherwise why go for two weeks? I know if I was a member of his group I would not be impressed with him and totally supportive of him staying behind . Only scenario I could see it would be OK is if you had a lot of help and support .

mamagogo1 · 25/07/2025 19:23

@mauvaiseherbe

when I went I had 2 weeks of specialist training to look after a lady with a number of medical issues including how to suction, give emergency epilepsy treatment, change a catheter and give insulin - if I had changed my mind after the training (which was paid for by the charity) she wouldn’t have been able to go. Whether he should have pulled out months ago is a different story but if it’s close to departure you can’t just ruin someone else’s experience if you have committed to volunteer. My guess is this has a lot more to this story, just a hunch. BTW my now exh left me with a toddler and newborn to go to a work conference, was common back then as no paternity leave.

Lollipop81 · 25/07/2025 19:27

I pressed you are being unreasonable by mistake. No of course you aren’t! He is being very unfair, why can’t he take some of the kids with him.

NewYearNewName25 · 25/07/2025 19:37

Hate to say it… but that’s not a reasonable stance to take (your DH’s).

Cherchez la femme…

BarbaraVineFan · 25/07/2025 19:41

I think that will literally be impossible tbh. How are you going to care for your other children if you have a newborn? He is ridiculous.

theduchessoftintagel · 25/07/2025 19:41

HamSandwichKiller · 24/07/2025 20:54

Who the heck goes to Lourdes for 2 bloody weeks? Even the catholic school trip my husband went on was over and done with in 4 days.

I went on a couple of those school trips at 17 and 18. It was debauchery 😆 Catholic kids let loose with booze and the opposite sex!

maryberryslayers · 25/07/2025 20:01

Personally I would take my newborn out and leave the other kids with him so that he either has to take them with him or miss his flight. Fucking selfish arsehole.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 25/07/2025 20:25

SwingTheMonkey · 24/07/2025 20:42

This really should have been sorted out before now. But if it were me, I’d be making it clear that if he put a trip above being a parent and husband when he’s needed the most, he shouldn’t bother coming back.

This. I agree you should have pinned him down on this point much earlier.

anytipswelcome · 25/07/2025 21:46

mamagogo1 · 25/07/2025 19:23

@mauvaiseherbe

when I went I had 2 weeks of specialist training to look after a lady with a number of medical issues including how to suction, give emergency epilepsy treatment, change a catheter and give insulin - if I had changed my mind after the training (which was paid for by the charity) she wouldn’t have been able to go. Whether he should have pulled out months ago is a different story but if it’s close to departure you can’t just ruin someone else’s experience if you have committed to volunteer. My guess is this has a lot more to this story, just a hunch. BTW my now exh left me with a toddler and newborn to go to a work conference, was common back then as no paternity leave.

OP has double the amount of kids you had, one is a newborn and it’s not an avoidable work trip necessary for their family to have enough money to pay their bills etc.

She’s been asking him for months on end not to go.

It’s a trip that a loving father and husband simply wouldn’t consider in these circumstances. And everyone he meets, who he cheerfully tells he has left his wife and four kids including a newborn, at home will think he is an utter wanker.

And they’ll be right!

mauvaiseherbe · 26/07/2025 05:04

mamagogo1 · 25/07/2025 19:23

@mauvaiseherbe

when I went I had 2 weeks of specialist training to look after a lady with a number of medical issues including how to suction, give emergency epilepsy treatment, change a catheter and give insulin - if I had changed my mind after the training (which was paid for by the charity) she wouldn’t have been able to go. Whether he should have pulled out months ago is a different story but if it’s close to departure you can’t just ruin someone else’s experience if you have committed to volunteer. My guess is this has a lot more to this story, just a hunch. BTW my now exh left me with a toddler and newborn to go to a work conference, was common back then as no paternity leave.

yes I understand entirely now you have kindly explained - OP should have addressed the situation months ago, plus her timeline describes a baby of 6 months old, not newborn. I also think your hunch is correct