Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not go away for 2 weeks after just having a baby?

[Watters01]

My DH is a practicing catholic and, around 18 months ago, was asked if he wanted to go on a pilgrimage to Lourdes. I didn’t want to be the bad guy for saying no so I thought what the hey, it’s only 2 weeks, I can handle 3 kids on my own. Fast forward a few months and we found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our 4th child. I casually mentioned about probably not going on the trip now, as we would have a newborn and it’s a lot to put on me, but he kind of brushed it to one side and said about maybe not doing it. This carried on going like this up until I gave birth with me getting more irate and cross.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, he eventually refused to cancel the trip so in about 2 weeks time I am going to be left on my own for 2 weeks with a newborn, 3yr old, 7yr old and 10yr old. All our family work full time so are unable to help me and to top it off it’s the summer holidays so there’s just no break!
AIBU for being really upset about the whole thing? I appreciate it’s a religious pilgrimage but I feel really resentful and quite. disrespected about the whole thing.

My Dad was a volunteer on a Lourdes pilgrimage. Every year for 7-10 days as soon as schools broke up he would bugger off leaving Mum with 8+ kids. Missed two of the kids birthdays every year.

We survived, resentfully.

frankly he can go to Lourdes any year, they literally run diocesan pilgrimages every year.

He is being a dick but you will also be fine.

BTW with pilgrimage and medical transport it takes ages each way plus it’s usually a few days in Lourdes. It’s like a festival with loads of special events and resentful teenage volunteers getting pissed and shagging about

If he goes he’ll spend two weeks with everyone he meets cringing and thinking he’s an utter, utter wanker when they ask if he has kids and he cheerfully shares he’s got four, including a new one, and has left them all with his wife at home to deal with solo shortly after birth.

What an embarrassment of a father.

Most of my older brothers had ‘formative’ experiences in Lourdes and they weren’t saintly ones

I thought that but I have a nasty suspicious mind

Exactly this.

Is he a volunteer supporting others who are going? If so he’d be letting them down

You don’t need two weeks to do a pilgrimage to Lourdes. I would tell him if he is not prepared to put if off for the moment he goes for three days and then comes back

he is incredibly selfish to think that it’s acceptable to leave you with a newborn baby and three other kids for two weeks

if he does go then I would be telling him not to return

selfish selfish man

Can his priest have a word with him? Remind him of the importance of the sacrament of marriage and putting his spouse above all others?

So he should let his wife and children down instead?

He's a selfish bastard.

Surely a newborn is low maintenance and your 7 and 10 yo will help? You have 4 kids so you're hardly inexperienced. Can he shorten it to a week?

If he’s been “asked to go” that sounds like a bit of a jolly? So pointing out that Lourdes will still be there next year won’t appeal to him, he wants to go with his mates.

if they’re religious though, surely his mates would appreciate that following his own selfish desires makes a trip to Lourdes pretty ironic?

What a hypocrite he is. He would show more faith by staying and looking after his wife and children.

Tell him if he goes, he will come back to divorce.

I’m sorry but this is divorce territory. If you can survive without him for 2
weeks with a newborn and 3 older kids off school all day then what exactly is the point of him?

also I’m catholic and trips to Lourdes are 3-4 days max. And can be done any year. I went age 10. Absolutely no need whatsoever for him to go now, at the worst possible time for your family.

I bet this isn’t the only shit husband/father thing he’s done?

It’s spectacular virtue signalling. My dad got loads of SuperRC points from it.

Id say he has another woman on the side and this is a 2 week holiday together.

if its with the church or not contact the priest. Honestly if he really goes take the opportunity to pack his bags and change the locks.

Jesus Christ , words fail me. He’s a complete xxxxxxx

@Watters01my partner used to do things like this on a regular basis when we had newborns/toddlers. Plus festivals, nights out until the early hours getting home very drunk, helping his sister, parents, sister’s neighbours, out washing the car, mowing the lawn etc. All whilst I was drowning..I have never got past this, never forgotten or forgiven. We now live separate lives under the same roof.

What about letting his WIFE down, or doesn't she matter when it comes to religion??

He should be ashamed of himself to even think about leaving his wife and kids at this time.

As for going for 2 weeks, when lots of people have pointed out that a trip to Lourdes only usually lasts 4 or 5 days, it seriously makes me wonder if this is what he's actually up to. Are you sure he's going on a religious trip, and not a holiday with some other woman OP?

With all these things (DH trips post baby) - I always think, would it be unreasonable for the DW to go leaving a new born at home? The answer would typically be yes (breastfeeding or not). So why is it ok for men to do it?!

In other words OP, YANBU.

Two weeks is a long time and also it’s not only two weeks. It is the specific two weeks that is two weeks after she has had a baby. She’s looking after four children, which are also his, but she is the one that’s recovering from childbirth. So yeah. Not just two weeks.

Is this a joke?! Leaving your wife with a newborn and three kids for me would be grounds for divorce. I definitely do not think a pilgrimage counts in the list of stuff that would warrant such shitty behaviour. I am sure it has been done before but for any reasonable husband there would need to be a very important reason. A two week jolly does not count.

this is not what a pilgrimage to Lourdes is. At all.

2 weeks is extreme.
Is it with the bishop?
op, an you hire help?

Go to his church this Sunday. Take all 4 children, when they make noise make no effort to quieten them down. Then speak to the priest and say your husband is flouting his Christian responsibilities as a father and husband.

I also have a suspicious mind though

A newborn isn't low maintenance. At least, mine weren't. They were up all night and I was severely sleep deprived. One of them screamed every time I tried to put him down and do anything else, and one had colic. It's not too bad if you have nothing else to do, but with 3 other children who need looking after, I think it's massively unreasonable that he would even contemplate this.

read that back to yourself