Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

605 replies

MancLass76 · 23/07/2025 12:03

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 23/07/2025 12:05

I think this sounds awful. Stand your ground. They want to be Disney parents to your kids.

ramonaquimby · 23/07/2025 12:05

How silly of you. Let them have fun with their uncle and auntie and enjoy the free time!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 23/07/2025 12:06

' if it means it won’t ever happen.'

do you not think that would be unfair ?

there is nothing wrong in having relatives who wish to treat your children.

if you can't afford it, then your children will miss out on these treats...

Nina1013 · 23/07/2025 12:06

Completely unreasonable!!
I do lots for my niece, sometimes also paying for her mum/whole family and sometimes taking her alone. Probably a 50/50 split, and I spend around £10k a year in total. I can’t imagine her mum ever saying no, the alternative is she has completely different life experiences to her (very, very close) cousin (my daughter) which none of us want.

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 23/07/2025 12:07

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

Yes, being blunt.

It would be different if it’s something you intend to do with the kids in the future (so in your example I completely get why you’d want to take them on their first trip to the family favourite zoo). But I don’t get why you’d want your kids to miss out just because you won’t be there.

KateSnakes · 23/07/2025 12:07

Poor kids! Be careful they don’t move in with their aunt and uncle when they’re teens OP!

Jaws2025 · 23/07/2025 12:07

Say no to the local zoo, but for the other things you are choosing to take those away from your dc since you can't provide them.
Nothing wrong with them having fun with other relatives, they won't love you less.
(As long as you trust them with overnights etc, to be responsible people)

DwarfBeans · 23/07/2025 12:07

There’s a middle ground. I would say no to anywhere that feels generationally important that you want to take them to. But could compromise maybe on others. Do sound a bit Disney. But it’s good they are interested.

Octavia64 · 23/07/2025 12:08

Genuinely don’t see anything wrong with their auntie and uncle taking them to a west end show.

and first trip to London? Do you want to be there for their first trip to every British city?

holysmokee · 23/07/2025 12:08

Hard one because I don’t think you’re unreasonable feeling the way you do but if they have a great relationship, are trustworthy and willing to put the effort in for your kids I don’t think you should stop them from going.

I think I would be overjoyed that they aren’t missing out and are going out and having amazing experiences with family. I wouldn’t like feeling excluded though, maybe have a chat with SIL and say it’s making you feel bad.

FrostiesAreCornflakesForPeopleWhoCantFaceReality · 23/07/2025 12:08

First trip to the zoo, I’d want to (and did) take my kids. West end shows, safari lodges, other things I can’t afford and they won’t otherwise get to do I would absolutely let my kids go and enjoy themselves.

araiwa · 23/07/2025 12:08

Original post being green is delicious

Tagyoureit · 23/07/2025 12:08

Yeah I think you're being mean-spirited to not allow your kids to experience things without you.
You know full well you cant afford it so id let them be treated. If the really expensive things like the safari bother you, then maybe you should explain you think its too extravagant but things like the west end show or the car thing, I think id let them go and enjoy it.

My DS went to Disney Paris with his friend, my DD stayed home. I wouldnt have let me DS miss out just because I cant afford to take them together.

Jaws2025 · 23/07/2025 12:08

If they leave your dc money in their wills, would you turn that down too?

Icanttakethisanymore · 23/07/2025 12:08

You sound really selfish to be honest.

Catlady724 · 23/07/2025 12:09

I’m not sure which way to vote because I can see both sides! You’re not unreasonable to feel a bit put out / jealous I don’t think, no. But you are a bit unreasonable to say no if it’s a great experience for the kids that they’d enjoy - especially if it’s something you won’t ever book yourself, like the safari thing for example. I understand being sad to miss out yourself but I’d let them go and be happy they are having a great time and have strong family bonds, and just ask for photos and videos.

However, if it’s an experience you CAN provide yourself and want to do with them then I think it’s ok to say no in that instance.

AhBiscuits · 23/07/2025 12:09

You're being utterly ridiculous to deny your children these experiences.

BuckChuckets · 23/07/2025 12:09

How do you get grief if you ask to be involved? That sounds like they're more interested in playing the rich, bountiful family members to your kids than actually giving them some lovely experiences. Can you have a conversation, stand your ground, and explain why you want to be involved?

CircuitMaze · 23/07/2025 12:09

The safari lodge sounds a bit extravagant but the rest I think is lovely. These days so many families are fragmented or live long distances from each other so to have an aunt and uncle who want to be apart of their lives is important and valuable. If they were only taking them to the local park and buying them a cheap ice cream some people would moan that they can afford more so should spend more so sometimes you can’t win.

TheCurious0range · 23/07/2025 12:09

Oh that's horrible for your children why should they miss out? It sounds like you resent their income, it's lovely that they can offer those opportunities to your children. Grandparents on both sides do all of these kinds of things with DS and some things I'd rather not! Butlins, camping for example. It would be mean if me to say no you can't take him camping because he's never been camping with me.

CollsR · 23/07/2025 12:09

It’s fine for them to do some cool stuff with your kids that you can’t afford. But it’s odd they won’t let you get involved with it ever. They should be offering for you to be involved too… especially for zoo days or a trip to see a West End Musical. Why do they need all the credit and attention from children? It does give an off vibe. I’d speak directly to your Brother & SIL about this. Tell them you appreciate them wanting a close relationship with your kids so much, but it hurts you to be left out of cool experiences with your kids that you would like to witness and ask why the feel the need for it to happen without you there.

Your kids will been teens soon & teens can fall for this materialistic rubbish… better to sort it out now.

Lottapianos · 23/07/2025 12:10

I don't know why you're being so controlling about this. DP and I have no children, and love treating my niece and nephew. And yes, sometimes it's nice to have them to ourselves without their parents around

Your kids are 7 and 11, they're not little babies. If you trust the adults to keep them safe, and the kids are excited to spend time with them, then let them all get on with having fun. I think your kids are incredibly lucky to have such a generous aunt and uncle

SkibidiSigma · 23/07/2025 12:10

Totally unreasonable, sorry. I'd just be happy my kids were getting more experiences

OversharedsoNCneeded · 23/07/2025 12:10

YABU my DC do things with their Dad and grandparents that I could never afford, I’m happy they have these experiences.

UnfashionableArtex · 23/07/2025 12:10

I think you need to let them go and have fun with their aunt who loves them and wants to give them great days out during their childhood. Even if it means swallowing down a bit of jealousy or sadness at not being there with them. To do otherwise would be ungrateful to SIL and not nice to your kids.