Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Let them pay and do the big expensive things and say no to the things you can afford to do yourself. But make sure you do them. Don't deny your children the stuff you can't afford just because you're jealous/feel guilty/(insert other emotion here).

Be glad your kids GET these experiences. Many kids will never have those opportunities.

And for the stuff that you CAN tag along on, tell your SIL that it's not debatable. Either you go too or your child can't do it. So the dates she picks need to work for you, too.

We were pretty broke when I was growing up, so most of the expensive things came from outside the family. Thay said, I remember the experiences more than the people who took me, so I wouldn't waste too much jealousy on your kids making memories with other people.

Also, kids have no real idea about whether a trip cost £50 or £1000, so that won't affect how much they enjoy it.

I wonder what would happen if you spoke to SIL and said you were grateful that they were doing things with your kids, but some activities are sacrosanct. SIL must ask you first, and you'll sometimes say no. And if you can attend at no extra cost, you'd appreciate tagging along.

You could even tell your SIL that it feels like they're using your kids as props for their holidays, and ask them to be mindful of the effect of this?

wow mean! just let them go! why are you going to stop them getting to do fun things

My sister and I had children at totally different times. When I looked after my nephew, I was childless with plenty of disposable income and would take him to things she couldn’t afford at that time. He had a great time and we have a brilliant relationship. Now the shoe is on the other foot, she is the fun Aunt and does the same with my daughter. This is about allowing your children to build relationships outside of you. They already experience things you don’t, why is it only these ones you want to stop?

Things that they would never do or experience, YABVVVU.

Things that are doable, but they might have to wait a while/need planning first, they’re ok to wait and then go with the inlaws, especially if firsts.

Why not compromise with your SIL, agree that they can do a summer treat and a winter treat with the dcs. Let them see another side of life. Why would you deny your dcs some enjoyment?

Very, very unreasonable- your poor kids missing out!

How can you not have taken them to the zoo at 7 & 11? If that’s down to money then you really need to let others help out and give the children what you can’t, because they are missing out on so much.

Thread would have been shorter if you'd just said "I'm jealous of my rich brother, AIBU to alienate my children from him?"

They are 11 and 7. If the zoo and London were that important why haven't you taken them yourselves before now.
My son has done loads of things without me with grandparents and a lot with scouts etc. I believe it's helped him develop independence and resilience. And I've enjoyed the break. Its lovely when they come back.
Your relatives are being very kind and generous and clearly want to have a relationship with your children.

Take a step back and think how special that is.

Let them go

What? Awful? Disney parents, how?

showing an interest and treating them, yes!

OP you are being totally UR!

I have to agree, particularly about the zoo. At what age do zoos become boring for a child?

I actually think they are being out of line preventing you from coming to supervise your kids. It sounds like they know they are providing special treats and want it to be clear to the kids that it’s not being provided by you. Probably just because they want to be the “fun auntie/ uncle” but it is also a way to one-up you.

I think it’s acceptable to say no if it’s something that you are able to attend (paying your own way of course) and the aunt/ uncle are stopping you from attending. That is rude of them.

I had an aunt and uncle who were unable to have children. I had busy parents. I remember the things my aunt and uncle did with us and the fun we had, if my parents hadn't let us do those things we couldn't have done them. My parents didn't really miss anything as there would have been nothing to miss if aunt and uncle hadn't done them with us. My parents saw us having fun with the things they had the time and money to do.

I can't see anyone lost anything, we gained as kids as we did things we wouldn't have done otherwise, aunt and uncle presumably enjoyed it, my parents did the things they could afford/had time for and in the meantime had a bit of childfree time. I think everyone was a winner.

The only issue I have with this is SiL being funny about you going along if you want to. That suggests they want to play mummy and daddy without the daily drudge/financial implication of childrearing. I would speak to her about this (obviously, I’d word it more kindly)

However, if they will never get to a west end show/safari lodge without DB/SiL financing it then, yes, you are letting your jealousy get in the way of what’s in the best interest of your children.

Yeah you've almost left it too late tbh

This wouldn’t bother me. I would let them go.

You are being really mean! Your children are so lucky to be given these opportunities and you want them to miss out?! It's very good for kids to have relationships with other adults, they learn that people are different and they become more adaptable. I am wondering is this part of the problem, you want to control not just where your kids go but who they are, and you want to be the only one to influence them.

Erm no. If they have the money to spend a grand a night on a blooming uk “safari” then why on earth wouldn’t they take you along to see the lion king?! I’d be concerned that they’re being so weird about having the kids alone. How do they react when you say you want to come along? I mean especially if you’re offering to pay what are they possibly saying to get out of you joining - and why? It is strange.

And they’re childless through choice? Are you sure? Why does your sister in law even care enough to want to spend this much time alone with your kids? I genuinely find it very very strange and think they either want to kidnap (take) them from you in some strange way (emotionally if not physically). Or there’s another untoward reason they’re desperate to be alone with children without their parents.

Plus yes it is bang out of order to take big moments like this from a parent. There are some things like the safari where it isn’t a first so who cares…but first west end musical, first bike, farm and zoo and first lessons/school play: they’re YOUR children to have firsts and experiences with, not theirs. And they aren’t not ever going to get these experiences, plenty of people never go on a bloody safari or even to the west end.

I became a mum a lot later than my friends did.
For many years I was the mad auntie/godmother who did stuff their parents were too knackered to do.
All adults now and I have great relationships with all those kids.
It wasn't about trying to take over in any way, but time and energy.
I really don't understand why some of you are so suspicious.

It's OK to feel jealous but it's selfish to deny your DC experiences you can't provide, unless you think it harmful to your children.

This - my DC trips abraod have been with the school.

TBH I'd say yes to things you are not doing if it fits in round your life and just no to things you are planning or mean stuff to you.

I'd also give short shrift to any guilt tripping when you do say no - also she should be talking it though with you first not the kids - and I'd make that clear to her and the kids.

However overall I'd say them being this interested is a postive to have in the kids lives and to try and have that attitude to the offers.

Wow, that’s so sad you can’t allow your kids to enjoy their lives? Just jet them have fun.

Let them do it. If the zoo trip so so significant you would have already taken them by now. If they do these experiences with their aunt and uncle you can take them to different ones. There’s so much you can do with children.

Unless you live in abject poverty surely by ages 11 and 8 you would have taken them to a zoo that was so important to you as a family?

The safari lodges are exceptional, let them have the experience.
Do you intend to take them to London in the near future to see a show? If not why the fuss.

@Devonshiregal You sound as odd as OP. "Bang out of order" to treat your niece and nephew to nice things? And suggesting they're weirdos etc. OP doesn't mention her brother much, SIL seems to get all the stick. Presumably jealousy that this other woman is richer, has more fun etc.

Maybe the reason they want to take kids but not so much with mum is because mum's a bit of an arse, or at least hard work? Certainly seems like mum doesn't even like SIL so why should SIL fund mum to have nice experiences?