Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

my jaw is on the floor at your staggering selfishness!

you would deny your children, who I presume you love and want to be happy, experiences because it’s not you taking them?!?

sorry but that blows my mind.

@MancLass76 Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

Yes you are.
Thankfully my DSIL is much kinder than you and allows us to treat our nephew to memorable experinces from time to time.

I’m on the fence about this one. At the end of the day they are your children and you have every right to take them to activities and outings as a family.

I think it’s lovely that they want to splash out on doing something with them that you may never be able to afford. Are these suggestions really frequent? If they are I can understand why you feel like a boundary may be crossed.

its wrong though that they deny you the opportunity to attend the things you can afford.
They aren’t owed alone time with your children. If you feel uncomfortable with the suggestion, deny them. But if you trust them, don’t deny them all, but put some boundaries in

Children building relationships, without you, with family members can be wonderful for them.

This week one of mine (now in her 20s) is off on a museum trip with MIL. They both love museums and it became a think that when a museum that had been closed for years reopened they'd go.

Last week MIL and SIL took the two youngest kids to centre parcs for the weekend. I wouldn't pay school holiday prices or go when it was that busy, but they all had a blast.

BIL and DS went on a trip to a football match in Europe earlier in the year.

I love that they have so many people in their lives that they can turn to, and that they know love them. I never had that as a kid and I'm so glad mine do.

Letting them have time with other people, even having their own things with people, doesn't reflect badly on you or make you not a good parent. It just means you have a generous village around you.

I think you’re being unreasonable, yes.

Your brother and SIL are handing your kids beautiful experiences on a plus and due to your own jealous and self esteem you are holding your children back.

If your children were 1 and 3 I’d understand your feelings towards them not wanting to be away over night, or wanting to be there for their first trip to the zoo etc.

But 7 and 11?

If I were your kids I would actually be a bit annoyed if I found out my auntie and uncle wanted to take me on experiences but my mum said no.

You need to let go.

Meh don’t see the issue. Let your children have fun with their extended family.

It's SO IMPORTANT for kids to have good relationships with adults who are not their parents. Why would you not encourage this? I can't see how it isn't a win / win. You sound really controlling, TBH.

Yes YABU in my opinion, don’t take these opportunities away from your kids.

Also it’s really nice to be able to bond with nieces/nephews. I used to ask to take mine out (financially they’re able to but they work a lot and choose to not go out otherwise.)
I also thought they might like the free childcare as they’d alternately be with nursery/grandparents/take holidays unpaid, and used to moan about having to find childcare constantly.
I don’t acknowledge the conversation anymore and don’t bother with the invite which is a shame really as my DN has asked to do XYZ a lot in the past.

OP if you don’t allow it now that’s fine but there will most likely be an expiry date and they’ll just quit asking.

Wow OP.

Your brother and sister in law have the means and the appetite to give your kids access to amazing experiences that they would otherwise not have… and you want to deny them that?

This cannot be real. If it is, then you are incredibly selfish and coming across as very bitter.

OP you don’t say why, for example you don’t take the children to the zoo. If it’s been a family tradition for two generations, why would you not have taken your children?

Is the issue financial? Or something else?

If it's something you're going to do with them, I think it's ok to say no, but if the dc won't get to do it otherwise then I think you're being very selfish.

These sound like wonderful experiences, and you're lucky someone will pay for them.

If anyone was offering to take my kids on these wonderful experiences, and I trusted them, I'd be shoving the kids out the door, asking for a few photos, putting my feet up and ordering my favourite takeaway.

You would be mad to say no. Not just jealous but completely certifiably bats in the attic mad. That's just my opinion - I can't see how this is anything but win-win for you and the kids.

Can you give me your SIL's number? If you don't want to yours to go, I have a 7yo handy who would be over the moon at a safari trip and happy to be "adopted" by an aunt and uncle offering this calibre of treats.

Honestly your kids are going to have tons of experiences without you, it’s part of growing up - they are getting to an age where some of these may be with friends or friends families too. It is normal to feel left out and to feel a twinge of jealousy but you shouldn’t let your kids miss out on experiences that you are not part of. I’ve brought my kid to the zoo for the first time with her cousin and uncle - my partner missed out and said he felt sad but didn’t want her to miss out. My partner has taken her to a few places, animal parks etc… without me too. I felt sad about it but I couldn’t expect him to sit in doing nothing when I was away. The child is the one that is important not adults feelings.

I’ve got really fond memories of my childless uncle takings for treats. I’d be happy for this. My uncle also helped me out in Uni.

Set your pride aside and let your kids enjoy some amazing experiences. Would you ban them from a free school ski trip because you couldn’t see it happen? It’s also great for them to build quality family relationships, especially with kind successful people

There was a thread recently where a person said if you don’t want to ever spend any time or money on your nieces and nephews if your childfree don’t ever expect them to want anything to do with you when you’re old. Now apparently if you want to see them that’s also wrong.

Wow! I am stunned by the attitudes on this thread. DB has done this for my DC and I cannot thank him enough, it's amazing he's so generous and wants to share his life so wonderfully. What on earth is the weird possessiveness about?

You’re putting your feelings before your children’s.

How wonderful that they have family who absolutely adore them and want to create special memories with and for them.

Please let these children have these experiences which will help them grow as humans. Also your brother might love to spoil them and thinks be might be doing you a favour. I get the zoo though, do that one yourself with the kids! If the safari was in Africa I’d feel left out (but still let them go!!) but it’s in the UK…. Not quite the same lol don’t think there is a reason to be jealous xx

For me it comes down to whether you will ever be able to afford those experiences and whether you want yur kids to have them.

If you will, then fine, all you're doing is delaying the opportunity.

If you can't, then youre denying the opportunity.

Both are your prerogative, but don't confuse the two.

I wouldn't let personal jealousy or insecurity stop my kids having a great day/s out and recharging my own batteries.

DS also has an absurdly rich friend who takes him to michellin starred meals etc - lovely! My head is spinning at the jealousy and spite on here!

You’re being so mean. My grandma was loaded and used to have me and my sister to stay for three weeks every summer. We’d do loads of things that my mum couldn’t afford but I never thought any the less of her. I just enjoyed the things I did with my mum, even if they were cheaper 🤷‍♀️

You sound selfish, jealous and controlling. Why on earth would you deny your kids these things, why not be grateful they get to experience them? Gobsmacked at your selfishness.

And what’s wrong with that?! How lovely that that have relations who like to take them out and treat them.

Selfish. Jealous. Ludicrous. Controlling.