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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

605 replies

MancLass76 · 23/07/2025 12:03

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

OP posts:

thelakeisle · 23/07/2025 12:18

Pretty rotten and selfish to deny your kids fun and experiences you will not be able to give them anyway.

wandererofthekingdom · 23/07/2025 12:18

It's absolutely lovely that they want to give your kids these experiences, its generous and so nice they want to be actively involved.

You are being unreasonable and you need to work through the issue you have with this.

PullTheBricksDown · 23/07/2025 12:18

I'd be selective about it. So this I'd want to do with them

smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family)

But the bigger stuff, that you can't ever afford, then you're stopping them having the chance to do it. I would stand back and let them go.

JHound · 23/07/2025 12:18

Can you meet half way. Maybe say no to some and let them do other things. It’s sad for your children to have to miss out.

Comedycook · 23/07/2025 12:19

Is this social media influence nowadays? Why does everything have to be described as an experience...even if it is, why do you have to be involved in every exciting thing they may do. Children are individuals...not just outlets for parents to make memories or other such guff

SodOffbacktoaibu · 23/07/2025 12:20

It's boundaries /respect isn't it? It's like when you divorce and the other parent is part time Disney parent but the one doing the daily grind and more normal things feels crap and that their normal family life is being impacted by the contrast.

I think some of these things might be nice but they should always ask you first before booking and I think it should be maybe one thing per year without you if it's a big thing.

You're the parent. You get to decide.

arcticpandas · 23/07/2025 12:21

I think it's selfish of you to be honest. I'm happy for my children when they get to do stuff without me. I find it very weird that you feel the need to be there- fomo or main character syndrome? Love your children more than your ego.

SodOffbacktoaibu · 23/07/2025 12:21

It actually sounds like there are that many of these outings that you are negotiating time and fun with your own kids with your SIL!

Cakeandusername · 23/07/2025 12:21

I think yabu. Children have lots of experiences without parents it’s good for them to experience a wide range of things. School trips, guides/scouts holidays, trips with friends or family.
As long as you trust them to keep dc’s safe and the activities are age appropriate it’s a nice thing. An auntie taking a niece to ballet each Christmas or to a zoo is a nice memory for the children.

Minnie798 · 23/07/2025 12:21

I think you know deep down that yabu. You're making what would be wonderful experiences for your children about you.

bowlingalleyblues · 23/07/2025 12:21

Why haven’t you taken them to the Zoo? It sounds like it has a lot of importance to you.

May913 · 23/07/2025 12:22

Would you not think about what's best for your kids rather than what's best for you? Surely they went to the zoo for the first time a long time ago if they are now 11 and 7. This is all very, very bizarre, as is saying you have a favourite zoo for 2 generations - it's basically just where your parents took you.

5128gap · 23/07/2025 12:22

I think its wrong and selfish of them not to allow you to watch, but if you're happy with the care your children are getting and they're enjoying it, in your shoes I'd be putting my self sacrificing mum pants on, and accepting that me missing out was the price for my children having these experiences. There's no way I'd want to deny my DC these things because of my own disappointment not to be the one experiencing them with them, so I'd try to take my joy from my children's happiness. Also remember, occasional big budget treats don't define a childhood. It's the day to day life together that matters. Just think of these treats as the icing on the cake of the childhood you're providing and it's the quality of the cake that matters most.

gooseygirl · 23/07/2025 12:22

You’re making it about you and not about your children. Who cares if they are “Disney”. Isn’t that the job of extended family? They’re there for fun, not the mundane day to day of parenting. It’s wonderful for your children to have these relationships!

Twiglets1 · 23/07/2025 12:23

You even admit that you are being selfish to some degree.

Really, you are. Saying yes to these things would bring happiness to several people you are close to including your own children.

Catsandcannedbeans · 23/07/2025 12:23

I’m really glad my mum and dad let my rich aunty and uncle take us cool places. I get that you don’t want to miss out, but you’re making your kids miss out.

ElectricCaterpillar · 23/07/2025 12:23

Really unreasonable, sorry, and things your kids might resent you for when they’re older. If a rich uncle/aunt had wanted to take me to a safari lodge and it was vetoed, it’s not something I’d forget in a hurry. I think you need to examine your feelings around this, seems there may be some jealousy and insecurity at play.

namechangeGOT · 23/07/2025 12:24

My sister sounds very much like your SIL. Our son has many of experiences with us but also many many experiences with her and I would be selfish if I was to deny him those experiences and so I never would.

Plantladylover · 23/07/2025 12:24

I think you are being unfair to your children and pretty selfish. Why on earth would you NOT want your children to have fun days out and experience different things

It's understandable if these are 'firsts' you want your children to experience with you. But unfair to deny your children some great days out with their aunties and uncles just cos you want to say no.

Sirzy · 23/07/2025 12:24

How lucky for the children to have so many people who want to give them a fantastic childhood! Let them go and enjoy it

SodOffbacktoaibu · 23/07/2025 12:24

Cakeandusername · 23/07/2025 12:21

That's the right approach. Like my ex MIL took my son to a show every year when he was little. It was their thing.

Pick a regular time and have the annual or twice yearly aunt and uncle trip and this will be a lovely thing. Not just every month them taking your kids out when you can't afford something as flashy.

SilenceOfTheTimTams · 23/07/2025 12:26

I get the problem OP.

That’s why I never let my children do anything fun with relatives. And I impose a strict list of limits on all activities.

No trips anywhere except to the library.

Jokes and games are banned, completely.

No presents for birthdays or Christmas except book tokens (I buy the books and make sure they’re really dull).

No paddling pools or sprinkler toys in the summer. No hot chocolate in the winter.

If they’re eating round a relative’s house they must be given only specified foods: pasta (no sauces), eggs (hard boiled only), bread (white, no butter) and no desserts. One biscuit per visit and must be a plain digestive - absolutely no Jaffa Cakes since the infamous Jaffa Cake enjoyment weekend of a couple of years ago.

Like you I do not want happy memories for my children that don’t include me.

Elektra1 · 23/07/2025 12:26

I think it’s lovely that your childless brother and SIL want to treat your kids and give them lovely experiences. As a godparent I have done similar things (on a smaller scale) with my godchildren and their parents have never expected to come along - the whole point is for the children to develop independent relationships with the other adults in their lives. At the ages your kids are at, this is perfect.

I think it would be grabby/entitled to expect yourself to be paid for as well by your brother and SIL and very mean spirited to deny your kids the experiences and the opportunity to develop their relationships with their uncle and aunt.

reenon · 23/07/2025 12:27

I absolutely love it when my SIL and my DB (they are not together!) take my children out for day trips or holidays. They have done some fab things with them. Been to destinations I have not been to... I think it's good for them to have experiences outside of the family home. Means then I can enjoy experiences / trips without feeling like they have to be brought along too!

FrodoBiggins · 23/07/2025 12:28