Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

You are being far too controlling OP, you have trusted (I assume anyway) relatives willing to give your DC amazing experiences and by extension also give you some child free time? I just can’t see what the problem is tbh.

I have DC in similar age brackets and they are their own people, not extensions of me, they are allowed to have fun experiences in their life without always having to have their Mum tagging along.

What if they were invited out by a friend from a wealthy family, would you object then?

I think it’s great both for your kids to spend time with relations who aren’t you without you, and great that those relations want to treat them and give them fab experiences.

Please don’t deny your children in this way.

You feel what you feel about this and it's good you are asking for perspective from others.
I wonder if you make a list of the things within realistic reach that are most important for you to introduce your children to. This would mean you can be proactive and start planning trip to the zoo, London for going on a red bus and Camden etc. Then when aunts suggest something lovely that's not on your really important list you feel you don't need to be there however if it's on your list you can say you are planning to do this.

I think YANBU, especially if they’re giving you grief for wanting to be included!!! Its ok to not want to miss out on your childs ‘firsts’ when it comes to big experiences and want to be there! I would never think of taking my niece/nephew somewhere like a west end show or anything like that without also inviting my Sister!

I would let them take them to London trips however, if it’s just visiting the city. Its ok to have boundaries though, if this is a big experience in your eyes then of course you wouldn't want to miss it!
Don’t feel bad about your child ‘missing out’, lots of kids don’t do those things and still have amazing family memories. Money and big experiences aren't everything, spending time with your parents, however, is very important.
Its really horrible that your SIL isn’t including you in any of these things.

Let them go!
They are with family and learning to be independent. It's a win win.

I think you're being really mean and small minded. You're depriving your kids of some awesome experiences out of petty jealousy.

Yes I think you are BU. Maybe if there’s one absolutely special thing that you want to do with your kids then keep that for yourselves but realistically how likely is it that you’ll do them all?

My BIL was like that and wouldn’t let me take DNs to Longleat as he wanted to take them. They’re mid 20s now and he still hasn’t got round to it ………

You're putting your own feelings of feeling left out or that you're missing out over the happiness of your children.

It's a different dynamic when mum and dad aren't there, let them have fun with their uncle and aunt.

Are you thinking that they should be including and paying for you as well?

I think this could go either way.

On the surface, it's fine and kind for them to want to spoil your kids - a nice treat for them and a break for you. Unless it's a special 'first' that you'd planned or think you're going to get to one day then - everything else being equal - then it would be a bit selfish to prevent them.

Having said that, I had an aunt who had no children and used to like to take me on holidays and to different experiences etc. I thought the sun shone out of her bum as a child I have to admit. But it was still uncomfortable as it did become apparent to me, even quite young, that she was getting a kick out of doing things my parents either couldn't do or didn't particularly see the value of. She desperately wanted to have the 'special bond' with me to the extent it felt forced and manipulative in ways I didn't quite know how to understand at the time. She also, as I grew up, overstepped boundaries in terms of what she shared with me and how much of my business/ life she felt entitled to know. To this day she can be prying and demanding of my time/ wanting to know the ins and outs of everything in my life and I just find it an incredibly complicated and fraught relationship - she's elderly now and expects me to act as a daughter in a lot of ways. I do what I can but have already done a lot of caring for my parents before I lost them, and have my own young daughter I'm trying to raise. Speaking of which, she seems to want to use my daughter as a prop and a reflection of her in a similar way she did with me and I'm absolutely not having it.

I had a rock solid relationship with my mum, but there were some really weird things that happened with my aunt over the years where it was clear she was trying to come between us.

I'm not for a second saying this is the same with your relatives OP. Just that - these are your children and it's ok if you have a line where you feel 'nope, that's a bit much now'. It might not be the same line as everyone else's but that's ok. Just because other people are ok with their kids going off on luxury trips and experiences multiple times a year without them doesn't mean you have to be. There should be a happy middle ground where you can say - we really appreciate your generosity and the kids so enjoy your time together, but actually we need to get the balance right here and have decided that we're comfortable with X and Y, but not Z.

You’re a selfish parent. Let your children enjoy life.

I used to do lots with my auntie (DMs sister) including holidaying at her home (army brat so lived in Germany at the time) and she always took me out to the cinema, shopping, out for dinner etc. So not quite as extravagant as this case but even now I’m very close to her and spoil her back now I have my own money. Not once did my parents object.

I wonder if there is a little jealousy at play here?

OP…you are getting a really hard time on here to the extent I had to go back and reread your OP. I didn’t find your OP selfish….i read it as questioning your own motives and I don’t think any of us can answer that. Would need to understand how you actually feel about your sister in law and brother. Might be projecting but sense that there is a bit of tension there? Do you feel like they are undermining you as a parent? When the kids are with them do they come back really annoying/selfish/bratty/spoiled? Are they pitching themselves as fun and you as boring old mum?

Indeed!

I've paid some of my two nieces' university fees and will be paying all the older one's fees when she goes to medical school next year. If they offer similar, OP, will you turn it down on the grounds that it's something you can't afford?

Completely unreasonable!

😆

If you want to do the "firsts" for your kids, you actually have to, well, do them. Not put them off indefinitely until the kids are too old.

I think YABU.
My uncle and his wife are childless and are taking my eldest on a trip to Paris this summer.
Which is something I could never afford to do with him. Nor would I have the time as I have much younger children to care for.
I'm so grateful to my uncle for giving my son this experience. He will learn so much from it and is so excited.
He regularly goes to stay with them in the summer (my father is dead so my uncle has been a grandad figure to my children)
And they take him all over. He always has such incredible experiences i could never give him.
Surely that's what you want for your kids? For them to get the best out of their lives?

Dear god. This has nothing to do with Disney parenting. It's an aunt and uncle wanting to spend time with and treat their nieces/nephews.

OP, you need to look at why you have reacted so negatively to this. It's so important for children to have relationships and positive experiences with people outside of their immediate family. Expensive treats are not required, but equally, are not a reason to reject these offers.

Gosh OP, I don't agree with these responses at all. Totally understand where you're coming from especially if they won't let you be there. I would say if there are things you will never be able to afford maybe let them do those but if they're things you'll get to do with them in the future I would absolutely want to do that too.

I'm sorry you weren't shown love and generosity to as a child.

YABU OP.

Reminds me slightly of my SIL (married to DHs brother) who used politely decline us asking if we could take DNiece to the pictures or theatre when she was younger for her birthday or with us to celebrate DDs birthday. No actual reason just “We aren’t comfortable her going without us “. Like 20 minutes down the road !
She also once told me flat out that other than her, DB in law and her own mum she wouldn’t allow her kids to be passengers in anyone else’s car, not even her husbands parents as she didn’t trust others driving. Clearly something changed as they all now get buses to school but a very, weird and unhealthy power dynamic was clearly going on.

So you can’t give your children those experiences so no one else can?

How bloody selfish of you.

No to anything you really wanted to do with them like the zoo, and yes to West end shows and safari lodges. Enjoy the childfree time!

You can't be there for all of your children's firsts op and if the local zoo was so important to you I can't really understand why you haven't been already. That said, your brother and sil are being a bit weird with the gatekeepers, wanting to go and watch something like a race day is totally normal and they are being weirdly possessive.

Isn't being a good parent about putting your own needs/wants to one side so your kids have the best possible life? Let your kids enjoy the opportunities their aunt and uncle can offer them and enjoy the time it gives you.