Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

I was merely suggesting what the OP might be thinking/concerned about, I didn't say it was fact. Just because YOU PERSONALLY didn't have a problem with it doesn't mean others including the OP won't. Stop projecting you onto other people.

Did you want to tell that to everyone else too, this is exactly what this forum is about, opinions. 🙄

You sound jealous

YABU. They are real life living people with their own lives, not pets. Your denying them enriching relationships and experiences, it sounds selfish and controlling to me.

The bit about a special zoo which has been important to your family for two generations, I'm sorry but what does that even mean. I think this points to you attaching meaning to things and being sentimental in a very odd way. Your children are seperate people to you. My issue would be if I felt they were unsafe, didn't want to do what ever it was or it meant there was never time for quiet days at home or with me . I would probably feel jealous though and give myself a talking to.

No. I know someone like this, moans that they’re taking their child on nice days out when she can’t afford to, why should the child miss out? As a mother, surely you would want your child to enjoy the nice things and be grateful someone is willing to do that

You are being incredibly selfish and I’m really struggling to see how a parent would be think it’s ok to stop their children from experiencing these experiences and making lovely memories with their aunty and uncle! Your children sound incredibly lucky to have such kind and generous people in their life! I would seriously give your head a wobble and remind yourself what’s important here ….. your kids (not your jealousy on missing out) if you don’t, you run a massive risk of your children distancing themselves from you when they’re older

I would resent my parents bitterly as I got older and realised all the things I had not been able to do because they stopped me doing things with my aunt and uncle that my parents couldn't afford.

Take them yourselves to the things you can manage, say yes to the things you can't do, and always be aware that places like London offer a massive range of 'firsts' so your kids don't have to wait for ages. You can't 'do' London in a day, or even a couple of days.

Seriously!!
Let your children go have fun with their aunt and uncle.
Why this is an issue to you is lost on me.

Do you begrudge them having experiences with friends or on school trips?

Not about experiences but a bit jealous of the money they can afford to spend.

Aunties, uncles and grandparents are not second parents, so the football etc isn't their duty if they don’t enjoy it.

They're there to spoil the kids and so they have other grown ups they can talk to.

As someone who grew up with friends who got lots of treats from extended family, I was aware of missing out as none of my relations did.

Yeah really odd it's so special an 11 year old still hasn't gone.

I’ve read some odd, joyless and controlling Mumsnet posts in my time, but this one takes the biscuit.

Best reply here in my opinion, couldn't agree more. All the best OP, it's not easy & cousin relationships are so important! 🥰

Wow...how on earth does that help?? 🙈😡

Because it’s the obvious truth.

I think you are missing the point.

Very sensible. I am surprised at the number of posters who are missing the point. OPs final paragraph shows the problem clearly. The parent is being excluded. Weird. If the aunt and uncle were genuine they would gladly include the parents on the cheaper outings.
And the posters who say OP is selfish or should enjoy the free time etc clearly don’t get it either. OP made it clear that she’s pleased her kids are getting the more expensive experiences which she can’t afford.
As is so often said on Mumsnet ‘ the first response nails it.’

What a lot of effort for a very silly response.

Of course they aren't going to involve the parents! The whole point is for them to spend time with the children. The actual activity is irrelevant.

Not being invited to something which was never meant to be for you is not the same as being "excluded."

Her kids are human beings, not her property or extensions of her.

The aunt and the uncle are inviting their nieces/nephews to fun experiences as gifts and to build a relationship with them. They're not trying to fund a family outing for OP.

I’m with you. I wouldn’t want to miss out on those things with my children.

' and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for.'

' so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. '

but...
it's not all about YOU

do you accompany your children to school so you are with them every minute of the day

do you join them on play dates at friend's houses so you don't miss out on seeing them smile / laugh / have fun

Oh, what a shame. I quite liked it.

I do try very hard to be a humourless, dim-witted prig. But I keep failing. How do you manage it so effortlessly?

As a grandparent it's different with parents about. I often take grandson out places for the day without his parents. I also have been placed with him and my DD( His mother)

There's a different vibe depending on whether dgs mother is there or not Without her yes a lot more chatty and prepared to try new stuff

Would you have waited 11 YEARS to visit Avery " special to family" zoo though either?