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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

605 replies

MancLass76 · 23/07/2025 12:03

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

OP posts:
Morningsleepin · 23/07/2025 12:10

If you love your children why would you not want them to have good experiences? I used to really enjoy hearing my child tell me about the fun she had with her uncles and aunts. It also gave her more security knowing how many people loved her

99bottlesofkombucha · 23/07/2025 12:11

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 23/07/2025 12:07

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

Yes, being blunt.

It would be different if it’s something you intend to do with the kids in the future (so in your example I completely get why you’d want to take them on their first trip to the family favourite zoo). But I don’t get why you’d want your kids to miss out just because you won’t be there.

Yes this, the zoo is a hard line. Maybe the west end show too? But you say we really want to be there for their first trip there/doing this so I’ll have to say no. Once they’ve had a show with us it would be fine, I know you’re very generous but as parents we really want to share some of these experiences with our children not just feed them and dress them and send them off to have fun times, I’m looking forward to the zoo so much (although given their age surely you’ve already taken them?)
but the things you couldn’t do like safari lodge I’d say yes to.

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 23/07/2025 12:11

CollsR · 23/07/2025 12:09

It’s fine for them to do some cool stuff with your kids that you can’t afford. But it’s odd they won’t let you get involved with it ever. They should be offering for you to be involved too… especially for zoo days or a trip to see a West End Musical. Why do they need all the credit and attention from children? It does give an off vibe. I’d speak directly to your Brother & SIL about this. Tell them you appreciate them wanting a close relationship with your kids so much, but it hurts you to be left out of cool experiences with your kids that you would like to witness and ask why the feel the need for it to happen without you there.

Your kids will been teens soon & teens can fall for this materialistic rubbish… better to sort it out now.

Perhaps they can’t afford to pay for additional tickets for OP? Or don’t want to pay for an adult who should be meeting their own costs for things?

BigOldBlobsy · 23/07/2025 12:12

Yes and no.

yes - because if they have a close loving relationship, where you are respected as main parental authority and trust them to keep your DC safe then why wouldn’t you want them to experience things you can’t give them.

no - if they will use it against you, try to overstep the mark in terms of parenting, or are trying to give experiences that are ones you are saving up for to give ?

if that makes sense? There is nuance and backstory to this sort of thing

MemorableTrenchcoat · 23/07/2025 12:12

pikkumyy77 · 23/07/2025 12:05

I think this sounds awful. Stand your ground. They want to be Disney parents to your kids.

An aunt and uncle treating their niece and nephew to nice trips sounds awful? Don't be daft.

Kendodd · 23/07/2025 12:12

I think it's great your kids have involved relatives, I wish mine did. I would be absolutely delighted and let them go. The more adults who have caring and fun relationships with your kids the better.

Haemagoblin · 23/07/2025 12:12

MancLass76 · 23/07/2025 12:03

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

You are being bloody ludicrous. Being spoilt by rich relatives is a wonderful treat not everyone has access to - why would you deprived your kids of that because of your own ego???

Dweetfidilove · 23/07/2025 12:13

This is utterly ridiculous.
Children cannot have too much love and it's good to have their aunt and uncle taking and interest. Why would you deny them the opportunity to experience different things and spend quality time with people who love them?
I wonder how far your resistance would actually extend - no to uni fund, no to house deposits or inheritance? Or is it just no when you have FOMO?
So selfish.

ShesTheAlbatross · 23/07/2025 12:14

If it’s something you’re planning on doing with them, then fair enough I guess.

If it’s something you’re never going to do with them, then I think it’s quite petty to say no

ShesTheAlbatross · 23/07/2025 12:14

If it’s something you’re planning on doing with them, then fair enough I guess.

If it’s something you’re never going to do with them, then I think it’s quite petty to say no

ShesTheAlbatross · 23/07/2025 12:14

If it’s something you’re planning on doing with them, then fair enough I guess.

If it’s something you’re never going to do with them, then I think it’s quite petty to say no

Snorlaxo · 23/07/2025 12:15

Do you trust your brother and his partner? I’m unsure if you really do or not.

If it’s stuff that’s never going to happen then you are stopping your kids from having the experience out of a false s nae of pride.

The zoo example is baffling. So you and your parents enjoy a certain zoo- why wouldn’t you make it 3 generations by allowing your kids to go or make it a priority that you’re the first person to take them?

Interestingly you’ve not mentioned your brother and the children’s father. Does your brother get the humo too? Does your h feel as strongly as you do? Do the kids get along with your brother and partner?

WinWhenTheyreSinging · 23/07/2025 12:15

If they've got to 11 and 7 and haven't yet been for their first trip to the family favourite zoo, then I'd let someone else crack on and take them - and obviously if things like that haven't happened, then there's no way I would deny them fabulous experiences like the expensive safari park, because it's not going to happen any other way.

Your children will still enjoy the experiences you can give them, but there's no reason they should miss out on the stuff you can't.

ARichtGoodDram · 23/07/2025 12:15

first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Absolutely not unreasonable to say no to this.
Or to anything you have plans to do with your kids yourself.

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

Absolutely unreasonable.

Why would you want the children to miss out?

Bushmillsbabe · 23/07/2025 12:15

You aren't unreasonable to internally wish you were there for these experiences, we cannot always control how we feel.

You would be extremely unreasonable to stop your children from having these amazing experiences with their extended family, unless you don't feel they are capable of looking after your children?

With the zoo trip, if it's so important for you to take them, why haven't you done so already?

PollyBell · 23/07/2025 12:15

I cant think of one reason that would make me ever say no, that sounds incredibly selfish and controlling to say no, and no I dont need to be glued to my child

KrisAkabusi · 23/07/2025 12:15

YABU. It is incredibly selfish to think that if the kids can't do something with you, they can't do it at all. Its very, very unfair on them. I've done nice things for my nieces and nephews, my siblings have done nice things for my kids, sone if which i couldnt affird to do. Its not a competition or a league table.

amber763 · 23/07/2025 12:15

You're being really selfish. I can't understand why you'd deny your kids these experiences and fun time with family. Jealousy? I don't know but you should let them go

Lmnop22 · 23/07/2025 12:15

The more people who love your kids the better and if they can have great experiences with your brother and SIL then let them!

You are not putting them first by denying them experiences because you’re jealous you can’t give them the same experiences yourself. Every time they offer, ask what the children would want and then do that, put aside your own feelings of resentment or risk alienating your children if they learn wait they could have done!

MellowPinkDeer · 23/07/2025 12:16

OMC why on earth would you be so selfish as to deny your kids these awesome experiences?

you just sound a bit bitter and jealous of their opportunities tbh.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 23/07/2025 12:16

YABU incredibly selfish but you know that. If there’s something specific you plan to do with them (like I’m determined to take mine to a west end show) then I’d say no to that for now, but 1k safari lodge or driving experience that you wouldn’t take them
to anyway, let them go! You don’t own your children, they are people in their own right and you are suppose to want the best for them, not just your parenting journey.

Allswellthatendswelll · 23/07/2025 12:16

YABU! I'd be thrilled someone wanted to be so involved with my kids and pay for them to do new things!

BarnacleBeasley · 23/07/2025 12:16

Some of the examples sound like school trips I went on as a child - so probably quite a lot of children got to experience them for the first time without their parents there.

RubySquid · 23/07/2025 12:17

99bottlesofkombucha · 23/07/2025 12:11

Yes this, the zoo is a hard line. Maybe the west end show too? But you say we really want to be there for their first trip there/doing this so I’ll have to say no. Once they’ve had a show with us it would be fine, I know you’re very generous but as parents we really want to share some of these experiences with our children not just feed them and dress them and send them off to have fun times, I’m looking forward to the zoo so much (although given their age surely you’ve already taken them?)
but the things you couldn’t do like safari lodge I’d say yes to.

Show quote history

The kids are8 and 11 are t they? Surely they would've been taken to the zoo as preschoolers by parents especially if it's so bloody important they weren't to that one.

My eldest two kids did get a few trips with family member , including a week in Spain around that age

Why would I want to deprive them really doesn't make sense

cimena · 23/07/2025 12:18

araiwa · 23/07/2025 12:08

Original post being green is delicious

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