To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

I definitely wouldn’t do this and can see why she’d be upset. You’ve ring fenced that money for her, told her she’d be getting it this year and are now taking it away. I don’t think it’s worth wrecking your relationship with her, besides she probably won’t be living at home with you in years to come and definitely won’t if you go ahead and do this

Don't do it!

So, you tried to dodge taxes and/or benefit saving thresholds when your daughter was younger by squirrelling your inheritance away under her name.
And now you want to reclaim it and use it for yourself?

No wonder your daughter is pissed

If it was money left to her by her grandad I would say no. But if this is your money that you put aside for her when times were easier, then I think it’s fair to explain to her that circumstances have changed and that you both need a home right now.

It depends, did you ask DD and explain why, along with a plan for returning the money, or did you just inform her of what you planned to do, as a unilateral decision? Your plan is not unreasonable, but you also don’t get to spend her money, without her agreement. Her reaction is, well, not unreasonable for a young person without a fully developed brain and reasoning abilities as yet! The ability to see that it’s in her best interests too is either beyond her, or she’s too upset to see it, hence my initial question..

If it's an actual trust fund, you are being unreasonable as it's not your money

. If it's your money that you have mentally ringfenced for her then it's not as clear cut. My children have similar to the latter setup and I won't be touching it but I also won't be letting them dictate where I buy a house.
Either you buy the house you can afford and she sucks it up, or you use the money to get the house that she is demanding. Could you give her a share of the house maybe?

It’s not your money. You can’t just ‘take’ someone else’s money.

um not sure I’d take the money. Can you even do that if she’s 20?

However, if she wanted to live with me I’d be charging rent and bills.

What about putting some of the house in her name so it reflects her investment? Whatever it is that people do for a house share.

You can't do that, really. You must know that?

I’d feel hurt if I was you.

Tell her you’ll need to buy a one bed as that’s all you can afford, sadly.

Im sure she’ll manage fine!

It's the Ops money left to her by her father

YABU- you told her it was hers, you can’t just take half of it back unilaterally. You surely must know you would be very unreasonable to do this?

Don't you dare! That is NOT your money and your DD is quite right that you would be stealing from her. The fact that you, quite rightly, financially support your own child is neither here nor there. Cut your cloth a different way.

I don't think you should just take it.

However you could reasonably explain to her that you can only afford the out of town options. If she's keen to have the house in the better area, you could afford it if she could chip in the £15k. You could perhaps promise to pay her back in due course (but don't promise anything you're not reasonably sure of being able to manage).

Is the money in her name? I can understand her disappointment but if the money is still
in your name you would be using it for both of your futures. The house should increase in value and she will gain in the long run

I would only do this if she didn’t know and would never find out. I.e. if you could just give her the £15k as a surprise and not mention it had ever been more money.

Since she does know however, you will destroy your relationship with her if you do this. She will never forgive you. Eventually she may pretend to have forgiven you but I doubt she ever will.

Sorry I know that’s not what you want to hear!

If you truly cannot find anywhere to live what do you think about seeing if she will contribute voluntarily in exchange for a legal stake in the property and her name on the deeds?

What if you offer to put her on the deeds? So the money is still hers and she potentially gains in the long term from it.

That she has put in a trust fund for her daughter. It stopped being her money when she did that.

You can’t do that now as she has come of an age where she knows about the funds and has set plans using it. If your daughter was younger and you could replenish the funds that would be different. She’s an adult so technically you need to house yourself and have space for her to stay if and when needed. Maybe explore options you can afford and explain that you’ll get a sofa bed etc when she is staying with you. It sounds like she’s planning on travelling so doesn’t really need full time accommodation?

It actually is the OP’s money.

Is the money in an actual trust fund or just in a separate account in your own name?

If the latter, then I can kind of understand you doing this.

As an aside though, if she’s planning on moving to uni, buy the house that best suits YOU going forward. It will be mainly your home.

If you've put it away in her name then you can't do it anyway.

Is it still in your name?

You told her your plans with her money?

No wonder she wasn't happy.

This should have been a discussion and agreement, not you unilaterally deciding to dip into her money because it suits you.

I'd do this.