To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

It’s still your savings if it’s in your name, so technically you can do this, but if you’ve told her how much it is and that it was hers then that is unfair to take it and it could destroy your relationship.

On the basis that it's not actually in trust, I'd be saying to your dd that either you use half the money to buy the house in the nice area, or you leave it where it is and she accepts you can only afford the house in the not so nice area. If I was in your position, I think I'd be putting her on the deeds so she has a formalised stake in the house, or putting in place some other legally binding agreement with her so that she knows you're borrowing it, and not taking it. As others have said, I think she's behaving in a very spoilt manner, but that could be because you 'told' her your plan, rather than 'asked' or discussed it with her.

Why are you house hunting for yourself and a 19 year old? Will she genuinely be there often?

As others have said, this is not a trust. You can legally do what you like with the money. You need to discuss with your daughter your choices though as you had promised it to her.

How can she steal.her own money 🤔

Yep my understanding is that it’s not a trust fund at all, it’s savings that are in OP’s name that she planned to give to her DD when she received the money as an inheritance 15 or whatever years ago. However, OP’s life circumstances have since changed and she needs to use some of that money (her own money, in her own name).

I can understand DD being a bit disappointed to go from £30k to £15k, but that’s still a decent chunk of money. I think being quietly disappointed is fine, that’s only human, but she’s not somehow entitled to £30,000 for a gap year. She can make do with £15k and no doubt receive some parental money in the future too.

In general I think specifics of money are best left vague until the money is needed for something. What was she planning to spend the £30k on? That’s a good start to a house deposit for example, but sounds like she was planning to spend it on a ‘gap year’?

If it had been placed in stock market footsie100 it would have leapt in value. Footsie has reached 9000 now. 15 years ago it was about 7500.

Another poster put it beautifully about the upheaval she has also been through. You have promised her the money. If you are set on doing this then I can only suggest ring fencing the £15k in your property for her should you sell. I would suggest that as you never out it into her name that you were not 100% committed to giving it all to her. I am curious, how was this money dealt with during the divorce?

Morally it is stealing. She’s promised her DD this money her whole life and then just as she’s about to get it she informs her she’s keeping 15k of it, not even a discussion about it to have DD on board. ‘Legally’ doesn’t make for a decent mother daughter relationship, it’s morally a shitty thing to do the way she’s done it.

From your description of how it's been saved, you could likely legally do it- or she would lose it all legally challenging you, anyway.

But you will ruin your relationship with her permanently.

Was the plan to put her on the deeds on a title split proportionate to her deposit? If so and she's still saying no, I think you need to find another place to live. She would likely only live there 5 years or so and you for up to 40, it is clearly not an arrangement that "benefits" her anywhere near as it benefits you.

It’s not the daughter’s money. It’s OPs money which she wished to give to her daughter. Agree that it is wasted in a savings account though.

@BlueFlamingo55 The problem I have here is that you gave it to her. And now you’re taking it back. Regardless of the legality of it for me morally it’s wrong and I wouldn’t do it

If you told her it was hers, I dont think its right for you to decide she isnt getting half.

You could talk to her and say for living arrangements these are the options. Tbh if she wants it for "travel plans" where was she travelling for £30k?!? I think she deserves a say if you told her it was hers. But I think she needs to understand what the budget for a home looks like without it. I.e. she mightnt get a bedroom or location she likes. She might have to start paying board as an adult to help towards increased monthly mortgage payments associated with a lower deposit.

On the basis this is a savings account in your name which you intended/hoped would be a gift to DD, it’s evident that now DD needs a big girl chat.

If she has an opinion on where your home is, and expects to live there, then it’s a reality that your savings now need to be redeployed in this way. You are already seemingly still intent on gifting her £15k which will cover her travels and uni, and is incredibly generous.
In all honestly you’d be within your rights to take more and reduce your mortgage principal etc.

Keep the money aside for her. Buy the house you can afford without it, if it's not her ideal that's ok, she's an adult now and needs to understand you can afford what you can afford. She can take hers ideally for a deposit for herself, but that's her choice, when she is more mature.

You would be unreasonable to use her money when she doesn't agree to it, so don't, but she's unrealistic to expect you can pull the extra cash out of your arse to afford something more expensive.

It was left untouched during the divorce as the money was mine long before we were married.

It's not, nor ever has been, in the DD's name. It's in a savings account in the OP's name.

Footsie 😂😂😂 but why

You can’t steal your own money. Ring fencing money for a purpose, and life throwing you a curve ball and re-purposing it, is not stealing. OP doesn’t need to house her daughter at all now she is an adult, so perhaps she can take the 30k and OP can buy herself a small flat to house herself. This adult child needs to realise that housing is an essential, travel is not. Sure my kids might be disappointed if this was them, but I know all 3 would say take the money to buy the house. This girl can take a gap year and work full time to fund her travel / education. It would probably do her a lot of good.

Not if it were properly put into a trust.

Not her money. Its Ops inheritance that she put to side for dd

Not if it's in a trust fund in her daughter's name it isn't.

Surely you knew your budget when looking at houses? Why were you not open from the start - "DD I cannot afford a house like that in this area, unless I use some of the money that I hoped would be for you"?

It feels like you chose a house knowing you would need to use this, now she's said she likes this house it's all "well I'm using your money".

This is a problem because you promised it to her, and have for years.

OP's situation has changed. Her DD stands to inherit the house. Explain things have changed with the divorce. It's tough, but the money is going into a house, not pay off credit card debt, for example.

Never mind 19 is old enough to be on your own. Buy a great flat instead and be well within your budget! Why sink everything into a house you can barely afford when single and kids grown?

ok its not a trust fund. Its money you had saved with the intention of giving it to your daughter. Its kind of a pity you told her but heigh ho.
Does she understand what the options actually are? That you can't live where you both want to live if you can't use around half of the savings? Do you think that the going ballistic might be a knee jerk thing and she is capable of listening more reasonably once she is a bit calmer? Personally I'd want to know what the fuck travel plans she has that will cost 30k? But that's just me......
It may just be how you have described it but it does strike me that her reaction is a bit brattish "wah I don't wanna live in a horribble area, wah I wanna wanna my money to go travelling" I hope you can find a happy compromise?