Sister's wedding and no children invited

[BigSister1991]

My younger sister is getting married next year and no children (including family children) are invited to any of the wedding celebrations. We will have two children by then (aged 2.5 and 6 months). They are the only children in the family.

The wedding is 2 hours drive from our home and over 3 days - starting on Friday and ending on Sunday.

Our blood family only consists of my Mum and Sister and so I'm disappointed that my Sister would not want her nephew/niece there or want to include them in the day (and that there won't be any photos of them there). I work full time and weekends with my children are important to me and so I'm sad to have to spend 2 days away from them.

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

I’ve seen too many TikTok’s where kids have ruined the wedding, absolutely devastating.

I vote you are being unreasonable and you are ..unreasonable to even think about this! You simply cannot leave your young children for such a length of time its unfortunate but thats the way this particular cookie is crumbling. Ask her to live stream it and you can sign in from home and you won't miss a thing.

That is horrible @BigSister1991 YANBU at all. My brother had a 'no children' wedding some 22-23 years ago, but he had my 2 DD as 'flower girls' and his wife's nephew as a page boy. So he could include the 1 nephew and 2 nieces. No others were allowed.

Upshot is, our 4 cousins have 8 children between them who were (when they were kids) mostly pretty badly behaved/rowdy/naughty (all 4 to 12 y.o. at the time) and he didn't want them there. But he wanted his 2 nieces and wife's nephew there, so he had them as flower girls and page boy.

The 4 cousins weren't happy, but their children (well, 4 or 5 of them anyway,) would have ruined the wedding.

Could your sister not have your DC in flower girl/page boy type of roles?

You could suggest this. If she says 'no' I would honestly refuse to go.

Her conditions of you attending dictate that you cannot attend. Being away from your 2.5 year might be possible but your 6 month old will be even harder. It would be a no from me. And her being your MOH is beside the point.

Remember, it's an invite - not a summons

How can you teach your dc to behave properly at a big event or party if they aren't allowed to attend any? That is like being turned down for a job because you don't have the experience, but can't get any experience without being able to do the job. Catch-22.

And do people post clips of kids being quiet on TikTok? No, because it is boring and there's no drama in sharing that to the world. The clips you see are the over-the-top ones.

Why is your own sister trying to carry on as if you do not have children? This is what bad employers last century used to do... treating mothers as if they do not have offspring and behaving as if they can carry on as before.
It's completely unrealistic. Of course you can't leave a 6 month old baby for 3 days. If you are breastfeeding, you can't even leave them overnight at that stage. And who does she think will look after 2 babies for 3 days?
She has her head in the sand trying to pretend you're still a young singleton. Tell her either they come, and you'll try to arrange for accommodation nearby, or they don't come, and you'll come to the ceremony but can't promise more than that.
TBH I'm wondering if she even wants you to come, if she did, she would try to make it easy for you. I mean , who books a 3 day wedding in a place where babies and children are clearly stated not to be allowed, without discussing it with the parents that she would like to attend her wedding? And your mother backing her up...surely your mother must understand the logistical problems with babies, even if your currently childless sister doesn't. Is your sister jealous of your DC and the fact that they come first in your life rather than her?

I completely understand it. Weddings are expensive affairs and inviting everyone's kids can quickly escalate the costs. This might mean that others whom the bride and groom would have liked to invite have to be left off the guest list. Also, some parents simply won't parent, and neglect to take their children out of the venue in the event that they misbehave.

There are various reasons why child-free weddings appeal. What isn't remotely reasonable is to issue this diktat and then expect that others will pull out all the stops to attend, often at considerably increased cost and inconvenience to them. It's this expectation that is really bratty, IMO. If you choose a child-free wedding, you also accept the increased possibility that some with children may choose not to come. Your wedding may be all about you; the terms on which people accept or decline your invitation are not.

Decisions have consequences.

The baby is current 6 months old. The wedding is next year meaning the baby will be nearly 2.

edited to add: have seen baby is not currently 6 months but will be at time of the wedding.

If a child is generally well behaved, then they will behave appropriately at a wedding. They won’t be entitled or demanding. It’s simple as that. Children earn privileges, going to a wedding is a privilege - not a right.

This is do true

She doesn’t have to go. She can step down from being MoH.

Maybe just go for the ceremony/food and ask your ILs to babysit.

That said, a two-hour drive for a few hours is a ball ache so tbh I wouldn’t bother in your shoes. I wouldn’t make a song and dance over it, a simple “we can’t make that work due to childcare, but we hope you have a lovely day” would suffice.

Absolutely and after what I'd witnessed there was no way I was risking it!

it's so entitled to think everybody must adore peoples children. Yes babes in arms are different, but people who think weddings are a 'family event' for children must realise kids get bored, kids are disruptive and kids can ruin weddings. I worked hard and saved hard to pay for my wedding, I wasn't about to have these kids pick at my cake, sneer boogies into the table cloth and ruin my pictures with their knee slides!

Please read my previous post about what the children did at my SILs wedding. None of that was on social media. She doesn't even have social media.

do you have anyone you trust to have the kids? 6 months is young especially if you’re breastfeeding.

If not then I’d stay nearby at a child friendly hotel and leave kids with dh and leave wedding early and tell dsis that this is as much as you can do. I would be upset tbh and it’s as much of a compromise as I’d make.

Yup, exactly.

We changed our mind last minute and allowed kids.

It was the adults who let us down. The kids were so well behaved!

But it’s true. (most) people only get married and have a wedding once. Why shouldn’t they be selfish and have it exactly the way they want it. It most certainly isn’t a day to pander to everyone else’s preferences.

That being said, you have to be happy for people to say they can’t come if you’re putting on restrictions like no kids.

Often people have been watching celebrity weddings or royal weddings that are childfree, and miss that these people have had Nanny’s employed since their dcs were born, so have someone to do childcare all set up.

@BigSister1991youve got another thread running about your mum complaining about not seeing your DS enough but she won’t do childcare and is surprised you can’t dedicate every weekend to her.

You seem to have a family who are unrealistic about the balancing act of preschool years parenting.

It’s ok to say no. Your sister has put a barrier into your ability to attend her wedding. It’s ok to say you can’t find a way to make it work. She’s got a year to make different plans or get used to the idea you’ll only be there for a short part of the wedding.

You can say no, sorry, I can't attend the wedding due to lack of childcare or being unwilling to leave the children (perfectly reasonable explanation).

Or you can go, but book yourself into accommodation nearby which welcomes children, and maybe take it in turns with your OH to look after the DC over the weekend. Again, perfectly reasonable, although more expensive for you.

Or maybe you can both go for the wedding ceremony/first day only, if you are happy enough for someone else to look after your DC during the day, then get back to them for the evening.

I wouldn't be happy/able to leave my young DC all weekend with no parent.

You chose who you invited, that’s on you. I never said adults can’t misbehave, I know who I’d invite and who I wouldn’t.

With respect. The kids didn't ruin the wedding. The parenting of their appalling parents did.

I haven't voted, as I don't think it is unreasonable for any couple to have a child free wedding but I do think she is being ridiculous to expect you to be there for 3 days, without a baby and a toddler.

As you have such a small family, it seems even stranger for her to be arranging a wedding you clearly can't attend with your dh.

Yes but with respect if the kids weren't there in the first place it wouldn't have happened.

which is why I didn't have kids at mine and it worked out wonderfully.

The rules have been changed since you agreed though.

If it was me, I would not have wanted to leave a 6 month old for 3 days. I know I would have felt very uncomfortable.

Should you sister have children, she will look back and understand.