Sister's wedding and no children invited

[BigSister1991]

My younger sister is getting married next year and no children (including family children) are invited to any of the wedding celebrations. We will have two children by then (aged 2.5 and 6 months). They are the only children in the family.

The wedding is 2 hours drive from our home and over 3 days - starting on Friday and ending on Sunday.

Our blood family only consists of my Mum and Sister and so I'm disappointed that my Sister would not want her nephew/niece there or want to include them in the day (and that there won't be any photos of them there). I work full time and weekends with my children are important to me and so I'm sad to have to spend 2 days away from them.

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

Realistically, you're going to have to pull out so you may as well do it now and give her plenty of notice. You can't really leave a 6mo for that length of time especially if they're still breastfeeding.

The three day event makes it a bit more tricky, but if there is a specified time period for the ceremony, I’d be tempted to travel up as a family of four, for you to attend as MoH - helping her get ready and see your sister through the formal parts including any sit down meal etc until the start of any after party/evening event. You could then bow out without too much fuss and go back to your husband and children.

If distance and times don’t work, you could still book two nights in a family friendly hotel closer to the venue than your home.

Alternatively, do all of the above and have some in-laws with you to look after the kids whilst your Husband attends with you.

She is entitled to a child
friendly wedding but you don’t need to forgo 3 days with your kids. Also you can still attend in part.

For me, my wedding was about bringing all family together but others don’t feel the same. She shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for that but equally you should be allowed to try and compromise on what you can go along to on your own or with your Husband.

Oh no...that's SO sad .....but your Family are the children x so just explain that....if they won't change their minds...then unfortunately you will need to accept that you will miss the wedding....I would book a fabulous little holiday away with your partner and children😘

Its an invitation not a summons.

I wouldn't go, if brides deliberately make it hard for loved ones to attend they cannot be mad when they don't go... consequence of their choices.

I would never leave my kids with random childcare to go anywhere, my kids are my dependents, my job is to protect them and it my number one responsibility which is 24/7 365 job, they come before any social party or the wants of adults.

My kids are older, 14 and 17. But I don’t think I would have been happy to leave my 6 month old baby for 3 days. I was still breast feeding for a start! You either decline the invite, or you stay somewhere separately nearby with your family and you just attend.

I think that's really shitty of her. As you said op you don't have a big family, it seems absolutely horrible to not invite them. I can understand childfree weddings when you don't invite friends children, but your own nieces and nephews? It's a horrible thing to do. I bet when she gets older and has her own DC, she'll look back in horror at her behaviour.

She is unreasonable to not have close family children at her wedding- I would and did find this so offensive (my bro did this) that his niece and nephew were not important enough to attend his wedding. For us the wedding was in London miles away so I went and my DH stayed home and looked after our children (one of whom is disabled). My brother was upset we didn’t make the effort to let people look after our children overnight (when my youngest has never been left and no one in our family is capable of looking after his high level of need) and I was extremely pissed off that he thought so little of his close family that he didn’t invite them to a major life event. So all in all it was a loose loose situation, it was part of the reason for us to distance ourselves from them (but there is a larger story there).

so without projecting too much, my advice would be to go alone, and compromise- but to me it just shows the lack of family bonds and values that someone would choose this. Weddings are about family, and family is not built with age limits!

Perhaps the sister should have thought of that before inviting the mother of said toddler to be her Maid of Honour at a 3-day wedding.

Having read @BigSister1991 's updates the only thing to do is to for the day.

If she kicks up a fuss you just say assertively and without fuss that your go to childcare is also at the wedding and you can't leave your baby for 3 days.

If you think you will be breastfeeding them you might like to tentatively raise the idea that you can't go at all.

I had a friend who complained our friend brought her 3 day old baby to the wedding (couldn’t she leave it somewhere!) then a few years later complained about leaving her 2 year old to go to one. I think some childless people really don’t understand why it’s hard to leave them.

OP - you may well not be able to leave your dc for that long if you are breastfeeding still. So you need to explain to your sister and mother that it’s unlikely to be physically possible for you to do what she wants. What would she like to happen now? Does she want you to pull out of being MOH? Just you go for the wedding ceremony, possibly meal too and then leave? Not go at all? Would the venue be flexible in children for a family child so you can have someone from DHs family in the room with dcs and you pop up to feed if still needed? Wait and see closer to the date and risk you pulling out at the last minute?

Would it help to speak to your mum first and ask her which option does she think dsis would be happiest with as you can’t see a solution.

I can understand why she wants a child free wedding. She has to accept that by wanting this people with kids may decide not to attend.
Expecting you and your husband to go to this for 3 days is ridiculous.

I would tell her that due to your kids ages you can be her moh as you don't have the time to arrange or go away for her hen do.
Tell her after chatting to your husband that you can attend the church and meal either on your own or possibly with your husband if you have someone to mind the kids then.
You have the meal and leave after that and to me that's the best you can do with a toddler and 6 months old.

I have been to weddings and next thing a baby starts crying and the parents don't leave the church. Some parents then will just let kids run around and after drinking coke for the day they are wired, bold and get tired. Then the waiting staff are bringing out hot food and trying to avoid kids running around.
They won't arrange to get kids picked up and brought home or to a hotel room to be minded and put to bed. The kids get tired,board and it becomes hard for the adults there.

Also some parents are glad to go to a child free wedding and have there kids minded as it a time for them as adults to catch up with friends.

Also I will go against the grain here and say I absolutely do not understand childfree weddings- people just don’t care about family anymore utterly selfish!

Do you have any childcare options for your kids? Could your in laws have them for a day or overnight? That way you and your husband could go to the wedding. But I wouldn't be agreeing to staying the 3 days knowing the baby phase can be mental. My eldest I could have absolutely left a few days at the age with my parents but my second would have been tough going for everyone for more than a day, two max (mix of pnd and a baby who never slept so it was stressful for us both being away from each other). If I wanted to be there for my sister I would set my case out now that I will commit to one day only and if she makes a fuss then tell her she can't have it both ways

For THREE days?! no sorry i wouldn't go - your sister is being incredibly selfish (and yes, i guess its her day so she can be what she ways etc etc) but sorry - as a mum, i would not go and tell her why. Awful!!! they are such young children too and to demand THREE days!

The no children trend at wedding is increasing because parents don’t parent their children or teach them discipline. Not saying this is you. But, the amount of children starting school in nappies and increased and kids aren’t being taught to brush their teeth. Then, kids behaviour at school is awful. Lack of manners and respect.

Again, not saying this is you OP - but kids need to learn to behave at weddings otherwise they won’t be invited regardless if immediate family or not.

Just tell her you will attend her second wedding.. Your dc will be old enough to leave with a sitter by then.

I completely agree with you.

It depends on culture, Sikh weddings for example go on for a week of events (I’m Sikh). Each day/event needs a different outfit too.

How will kids ever learn how to behave at weddings if they are never invited to any?

On the basis that you want to be there

If the venue won't allow children you have little choice but to arrive that morning and leave that evening if you are feeding the baby yourself? The day will be tricky enough as it is.
The obvious solution would be to travel the night before with a local qualified sitter arriving at the venue for the wedding day and you all leave once dinner had finished or stay a second night funds permitting.
Finding nearby accommodation only really works if you can either bring a sitter you trusted enough to look after them offsite.

I would push it with the venue rather than take your sisters word for it - if the children are in a room upstairs somewhere or out and about with a nanny there's no logical reason to ban children. It's easy enough to bring a travel cot and a pop up high chair for the toddler. A six month old will barely be weaning so a pram will do there. Lots of high end places also have "cottages" which may give a bit more flex.

i had no children at my wedding.

I wasn't planning to have no children until I went to my sister in laws wedding 6 months before, where the kids from that wedding would've been at my wedding.

one kid on our table was picking his nose and wiping it in the table cloth. Another kid shit himself because he drank way too much orange juice. Other kids were doing knee slides on the dance floor when the couple were doing their first dance. The photographer tried to get them to move as they had cloud machines and wanted lovely pictures but the little darlings just carried on. They were wailing and shouting during the speeches and the only time one of the dads tried to do something, as he picked up the kid to take him out he went rigid and piercingly screamed the place down.

there were also kids picking some of the icing off the cake.

kids getting into the pick n' mix cart before it was even open.

I thought nah bollocks to that. I don't want that at my wedding. Had a fabulous child free wedding and every single person came.

kids are only so special to the parents. To others they can be annoying. Even to family members.

the children quite literally ruined the day for everyone (bride and grooms words too) i paid £38k for my wedding, I wasn't willing to take the risk.

I'd decline.

They can expect what they want but they can't demand it.

Leave your kids with your husband, you don’t need childcare. Your husband doesn’t need to be there really. Is he part of the wedding? It’s your sister, so you should go and respect her wishes. Have you asked her why it’s childfree?

Basic respect, manners and discipline from their parents. When they behave, they’ll be invited. I’ve seen quite few TikTok’s where kids have run havoc and ruined the wedding. If a child is generally well behaved, then they will be invited due to past behaviour on daily basis and knowing the child.