Sister's wedding and no children invited

[BigSister1991]

My younger sister is getting married next year and no children (including family children) are invited to any of the wedding celebrations. We will have two children by then (aged 2.5 and 6 months). They are the only children in the family.

The wedding is 2 hours drive from our home and over 3 days - starting on Friday and ending on Sunday.

Our blood family only consists of my Mum and Sister and so I'm disappointed that my Sister would not want her nephew/niece there or want to include them in the day (and that there won't be any photos of them there). I work full time and weekends with my children are important to me and so I'm sad to have to spend 2 days away from them.

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

No way I would be leaving a six month old and a toddler in a hotel with a stranger, or leaving them behind at home for three days. I think it's really reasonable to tell her that you're not going to be able to attend a no kids wedding with two tiny kids, that goes on for three days. It's not personal, it's just a logistics thing.

I think it’s quite unusual not to have an exception to the ‘no child rule’ for close family, especially with a babe in arms.

I wouldn’t go, personally. I wouldn’t be ready to leave a 6 month old baby especially as I was exclusively breastfeeding mine.

She is being very inflexible, as is her right as bride, but you are WELL within your rights to not attend..

“I’m disappointed that my sister would not want to include them in the day”.
But if they were there they wouldn’t be ‘included’ in the day. They would be present but both too young to participate in any wedding activities. They would be bored, tired, likely disruptive because of being bored. Other people would feel the need to entertain and engage with them instead of just celebrating the wedding in an otherwise adult focused way.

”I’m sad to spend 2 days away from them”.
It’s two days out of the whole year? You could even go for one day if it’s too hard to spend two days away. Or you could decline the invitation altogether.

This is your sister’s wedding. It’s entirely about her and her partner, it’s entirely her choice to have the day exactly how she wants it to be.

well if you’re going to be breastfeeding you won’t be able to leave the 6 month old . And really even without bf 3 days is a long time to be away from young children unless there are alternative caregivers in place who they are very close to.

Can you explain to her nicely that it’s not possible to leave them for that long and then leave it open ended… she may rethink the plan.

This is an option - just go for the ceremony and she can’t say you didn’t make an effort. She’s being ridiculous though if she gets annoyed at you for not attending when she’s made it difficult for you to do so!

Obvious question but does your sister know you are expecting a baby next year? I hate it, but for a family member I would probably suck up no toddlers…but the baby is really poor form.

I wouldn’t go. Mostly because at 6 months old mine was still breastfeeding every couple of hours. I think you should say to your sister if she wants you there the baby will have to come. Make the decision hers.

She will have a 6 month old baby? It’s about a bit more than “being sad”. It’s a very physical link between mum and baby.

I disagree with making a fuss. I’d just say I wasn’t going and wouldn’t discuss it further with your sister or your mum. They can’t compel you to attend, they’re being ridiculous.

Perfectly reasonable of her not to want children at the wedding. Perfectly reasonable for you to turn down the invitation if it's not feasible to attend and, tbh, there is no way in hell I would leave a 6 month old for the weekend, particularly as mine were all still bf at that age.

My sil had ds and dd as her pageboy and flower girl at her wedding but they weren't invited to anything else so I had to arrange childcare. The difference there though was the wedding was reasonably local so my parents collected the dc (about 45 minutes drive) and then babysat them in our house (30 minutes drive but on the way home for them). The dc were 5 and 2 so old enough to be left with gps.

I really do think some people in the uk have a problem with children.
In all seriousness, I cannot understand people who say no to children at weddings.
I’ve been to weddings in Europe, and it’s a celebration for all. Children included and they were fantastic weddings.
The fact the bride is your sister and says that your children are unacceptable is utterly shit.
So it’s her day….her rules..her wedding?
She has to deal with the consequences of you not wishing to attend then.

My opinion is that the bride and groom are entitled to a child free wedding but they will have to understand not everyone will be able to attend. You’re entitled to say no to an invite.

There shouldn’t be any drama. My children have not been invited to childfree weddings and I’ve never kicked up a fuss. If anything, I prefer not to take the toddler as he will not want to sit still during the ceremony.

Honestly, I’d just compromise. I’d attend but only for 1 night (2 days). If you don’t want to do the whole 3 day thing

Not at 2.5! My DD LOVED a wedding at that age. all the people and the dancing and the beautiful venue. She had the time of her life.

She's her sister. Your post means annual leave, assumes that they have two vehicles, that OP won't be breastfeeding, that they can fund a babysitter, that a babysitter would want to mind two very young kids who are in a strange location, out of their routine, that they would actually want to endure a four hour round trip and pay for accommodation and childcare l, all of which seems very unlikely and not even remotely appealing.

I can understand them not being at the ceremony, but are you saying that they can't be there at any point of the three days?

That pretty much rules out taking them up and booking a sitter for the ceremony and wedding breakfast, then.

I work full time and weekends with my children are important to me and so I'm sad to have to spend 2 days away from them.

It's one weekend out of their whole lives.
Babies and toddlers can ruin weddings. Noise, fuss, parents up and down like yo-yos and going out, leaving early.

I’d go for the ceremony, reception, and that’s it. Don’t complain or make a fuss, just state it as a fact thats all you can manage.

When is the hen do as I assume you will be pregnant/have a newborn then too.

I’ve never been to a wedding of a family member where family children (nieces/ nephews/ under 18 cousins) have never been invited. That’s weird. I’m Irish though and family weddings can be huge.
weddings of friends I have no problem children not being invited and actually prefer it as I have it’s of family to look after dc.

your options are
speak to your sister
you and dh go and you find childcare
you go and dh looks after kids

My sibling got married recently and had a similar no children rule.

I have a 4 year old DS. I didn’t attend and that was only for 1 day. 3 days is ridiculous.

I’d decline the invite and arrange a great weekend with my DS.

Right and if we think that’s hard on the mum, who knows and understands why they are apart, imagine how horrible it will be for the baby who will probably be panicking the whole time.

How far away is the wedding? Surely you only have to go for a few hours. Let the children’s Dad look after them.

I would go and take the children, book suitable accommodation, if they are not allowed into any of the venues I wouldn't go to those bits, or take turns with dp on looking after the children. Tell her they are too young to leave (which I think they are), but their presence won't interfere with anything. Or if she prefers you won't go at all, all of us or none of us.

No way would I leave a 6 month old for 1 day let alone 3! Toddler may be ok if you have supportive in-laws to look after them but not a young baby. Your sis and mum are being really thoughtless. I’ve never been to a wedding where close family children and babies have been included in the ‘no children rule’. Very strange request especially from your sister/mum.

She's obviously clueless.
A 3 day wedding 2 hours away isn't doable for you.

What on Earth is everyone going to be doing for 3 whole days?

Assuming you aren’t breastfeeding I’d go there and back in a single day.

if you haven’t got anyone reasonable (eg the other grandparents) to leave them with, then I’d go alone.

She can choose child free of she like but she can’t choose what decisions you make for your family.

Nope I wouldn’t be leaving children for that long, due to childcare costs, trusting someone for that long and their age.

I think you driving alone for the ceremony and meal then coming home would be a good compromise.