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AIBU?

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Original poster

What an insult !!!

398 replies

rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:08

Been with partner 15 years 3 kids between ages of 1m and 8 ( all both of ours ) used to own a house together but he asked me to sign a prenup to make sure I didn’t get his deposit money, when we moved he brought me out ( 7k ) and I didn’t go on the next mortgage, fast forward to 3 kids and many years later I’ve said I’ve got no security, it’s completely his house I’ve mentioned this to him as we have kids together I’ve said to him I don’t feel like it’s my home and no security he could ask me to leave at any time !

I have spoke to him about this he messages me today as he’s been “ thinking “ he will write it down a “ letter “ to say that if anything happens to him then the house Is left to me and the kids !

im really insulted ! And not sure if im being unreasonable, we aren’t married we aren’t getting married either, I had hoped for some togetherness as a couple bringing up our kids together ! Please no comments about going to work my baby is only 5 weeks so that isn’t an option! X

OP posts:
dogcatkitten · 21/07/2025 14:10

Get him to write a will, not a letter!

needtostopnamechanging · 21/07/2025 14:11

Letter? He needs a will and you need an escape plan

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 21/07/2025 14:12

Have you been saving towards your own financial security and independence? The boyfriend is open about prioritising that for himself, so you should be, too.

Wills don't matter for unmarried people, they can be changed at any time.

Do you know everything else you're missing out on by being legally single?

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

strange25 · 21/07/2025 14:13

Why did he buy you out and why didn’t you go on the mortgage?

dogcatkitten · 21/07/2025 14:13

Or do a Civil Partnership if neither of you want to marry.

HedgehogOnTheBike · 21/07/2025 14:13

You owned a house together but he brought you out of it? Why.

steff13 · 21/07/2025 14:14

Why did he want you to sign a prenup if you weren't getting married?

Bjorkdidit · 21/07/2025 14:14

If you're a family unit and you're contributing by providing childcare and/or working, the house should be half yours.

He should also write a will saying that if anything happens to him, you should inherit the house. Otherwise intestacy rules apply and his parent or other close relative could take your home.

steff13 · 21/07/2025 14:15

You mean he bought you out if the house, right? Is bringing someone out some other type of legal thing?

XelaM · 21/07/2025 14:17

Why not get married?

TheaBrandt1 · 21/07/2025 14:18

God not another one.

Honestly there needs to be a poster.

If you give up any earning capacity whatsoever to raise a family or keep a home you have to be married or in a civil partnership.

If the man refuses to marry you that’s fine but then you go strictly 50/50 on all childcare and house drudge he does half and you prioritise your own career and not his.

Anything else is essentially financial suicide.

RampantIvy · 21/07/2025 14:18

If you aren't financially independent you are in a very precarious position.

You aren't next of kin and if anything happens to your partner you aren't entitled to anything at all unless he makes a will.

It's all very well not wanting to be married, but marriage is more than just a piece of paperr. It is a legal contract and offers more protection than not being married. Don't have any more children with this man. You need to build up some savings.

if he ends the relationship where will you go?

DelphiniumBlue · 21/07/2025 14:19

Get the letter from him first.
Then tell him he needs to make a will in your favour.
But really, to get full protection you do need to either be married or in a Civil partnership. Why do you say you aren't going to get married? And why would you agree to move into a house where you weren't on the deeds? Why did he but you out for 7k? That doesn't sound realistic, and I suspect you are the victim of financial abuse here.
You might have a 5 week old baby, but you do need to think about getting into work ASAP - are you on paid maternity leave? Who is paying for food, bills, spending money etc?

PinkyFlamingo · 21/07/2025 14:21

Why on earth let him buy you out and then go on to have another baby with him?

purplecorkheart · 21/07/2025 14:22

Would a letter even if stand up in Court. If something happened to him couldn't his family challenge the validity of the letter or claim that it was not his work.

TheaBrandt1 · 21/07/2025 14:22

You can’t let men cherry pick the bits that benefit them. If he wants his children looked after and house managed at the cost of a woman’s career he needs to give her the legal protection of marriage.

If he won’t do that he can’t then expect access to a woman’s free labour and will need to support her in her career so she can support herself.

Oh and if not married I hope the kids have your surname right?

castleclass · 21/07/2025 14:22

Bit confused by the pre nup if you are not married?

anikarice · 21/07/2025 14:29

no you tell him you want to be on the deeds. why would you let him buy you out and if together 15 years why have you got seperate money?? doesn’t make any sense that’s not a relationship it’s like you are just dating and living in same house. maybe he considers you the nanny

MySaintedAunt · 21/07/2025 14:30

TheaBrandt1 · 21/07/2025 14:18

God not another one.

Honestly there needs to be a poster.

If you give up any earning capacity whatsoever to raise a family or keep a home you have to be married or in a civil partnership.

If the man refuses to marry you that’s fine but then you go strictly 50/50 on all childcare and house drudge he does half and you prioritise your own career and not his.

Anything else is essentially financial suicide.

This with bloody great bells on.
No woman should EVER assume her partner won't do the dirty on her financially. A woman with no independent income (if for example, she's a SAHM) or a civil partnership/marriage is in such a precarious position if the relationship breaks down. I wish more women understood this.

KarmenPQZ · 21/07/2025 14:33

rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:08

Been with partner 15 years 3 kids between ages of 1m and 8 ( all both of ours ) used to own a house together but he asked me to sign a prenup to make sure I didn’t get his deposit money, when we moved he brought me out ( 7k ) and I didn’t go on the next mortgage, fast forward to 3 kids and many years later I’ve said I’ve got no security, it’s completely his house I’ve mentioned this to him as we have kids together I’ve said to him I don’t feel like it’s my home and no security he could ask me to leave at any time !

I have spoke to him about this he messages me today as he’s been “ thinking “ he will write it down a “ letter “ to say that if anything happens to him then the house Is left to me and the kids !

im really insulted ! And not sure if im being unreasonable, we aren’t married we aren’t getting married either, I had hoped for some togetherness as a couple bringing up our kids together ! Please no comments about going to work my baby is only 5 weeks so that isn’t an option! X

you use the word ‘partner’ but it doesn’t sound like you’re partners at all. It sounds like you’re individuals

Gingerbreadman1972 · 21/07/2025 14:38

Yes it's an insult, you are right to be insulted. He needs to write a will ASAP and also put you on the deeds. If he loved you, he would do this for you.

If he doesn't want to do it though, then what? Not sure what you want people to say, you've made it clear working isn't an option, you don't want to be married, and you've got children you'd be responsible for in the event of a break up with no financial set up.

Hopefully he'll do the right thing but you don't have much leverage here and you've stayed for 15 years without marriage, having children, without any security for him, so why would he suddenly change now.

The best thing you can do in this situation would be to marry him. I say that as someone who took 12 years to marry my DP - quite happy not being married, but I was absolutely 50% owner of any property we owned, and always worked in some capacity so knew I'd be ok in event of a break up

Original poster
rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:40

He doesn’t want to marry! I’ve asked several times if we can get married and he’s always made excuses

OP posts:
castleclass · 21/07/2025 14:41

rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:40

He doesn’t want to marry! I’ve asked several times if we can get married and he’s always made excuses

You seem to have given up everything for nothing.

HunnyPot · 21/07/2025 14:41

This story has more holes than a tea strainer!

Gingerbreadman1972 · 21/07/2025 14:43

rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:40

He doesn’t want to marry! I’ve asked several times if we can get married and he’s always made excuses

This man doesn't care for you. He won't marry you, he won't share house deeds with you, will quite happily see you with no financial security.

Why would he give up his very good set up when you've gone along with it so long, you sacrifice everything while he makes none.

He is a pig. But you are responsible for allowing him to get away with it. Time to take action and look after yourself , like he has done