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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What an insult !!!

398 replies

rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:08

Been with partner 15 years 3 kids between ages of 1m and 8 ( all both of ours ) used to own a house together but he asked me to sign a prenup to make sure I didn’t get his deposit money, when we moved he brought me out ( 7k ) and I didn’t go on the next mortgage, fast forward to 3 kids and many years later I’ve said I’ve got no security, it’s completely his house I’ve mentioned this to him as we have kids together I’ve said to him I don’t feel like it’s my home and no security he could ask me to leave at any time !

I have spoke to him about this he messages me today as he’s been “ thinking “ he will write it down a “ letter “ to say that if anything happens to him then the house Is left to me and the kids !

im really insulted ! And not sure if im being unreasonable, we aren’t married we aren’t getting married either, I had hoped for some togetherness as a couple bringing up our kids together ! Please no comments about going to work my baby is only 5 weeks so that isn’t an option! X

OP posts:
LittlleMy · 21/07/2025 15:48

TheaBrandt1 · 21/07/2025 14:18

God not another one.

Honestly there needs to be a poster.

If you give up any earning capacity whatsoever to raise a family or keep a home you have to be married or in a civil partnership.

If the man refuses to marry you that’s fine but then you go strictly 50/50 on all childcare and house drudge he does half and you prioritise your own career and not his.

Anything else is essentially financial suicide.

Absolutely 1000%!

I don’t know any of these moms but it’s so stressful after just half a year on MN to realise how continuous and relentless these types of threads are. Also, the number who post later having led such a life that their OH are able to retire earlier than them while they need to carry on until much later and ABU that their partner doesn’t care and will happily go on expensive hols alone because they can’t keep up financially! It gets no better!

I don’t have kids but I honestly think maybe they should start teaching about financial security within relationships as part of overall money management type subjects to teenagers.

Hoppinggreen · 21/07/2025 15:49

rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:40

He doesn’t want to marry! I’ve asked several times if we can get married and he’s always made excuses

In which case you should never have had children with him.
Too late now but you are in a precarious position and "thinking about writing a letter" is total bullshit.
You need to be on the deeds or get married

SonK · 21/07/2025 15:49

I can't believe you have allowed yourself to become so vulnerable OP x

I would give him an ultimatum, marriage or that's it - your ending everything otherwise what's the point?

My husband bought our house, my name is on everything legally and I haven't paid a penny towards it. I have birthed two children for us, without such security I wouldn't even have thought about having unprotected sex with him.

Of course I just realised you are 5 weeks postpartum so don't do anything irrational x

Save as much money as you can, don't pay for a single expense, you are on maternity leave I understand, so don't dip into your allowance for anything x

I fear your partner will sooner or later become financially controlling as well so you really need to try and be one step ahead from now on.

ginasevern · 21/07/2025 15:53

Your hopes for "togetherness" are nothing more than a romantic dream. The reality is that you need official contracts to protect you and your children. Why did you have 3 kids (one very recently) when you've got sod all security with a bloke that's only concerned with lining his own nest? Why did you sign your only bit of protection over to him? He sounds like an absolute prince amongst men but it also exasperates me when women make themselves so helpless.

DelphineFox · 21/07/2025 15:54

strange25 · 21/07/2025 14:13

Why did he buy you out and why didn’t you go on the mortgage?

Because if they split he wants it all to go to him. Probably same reason he doesn't want to marry.

DandyDenimScroller · 21/07/2025 15:56

Why on earth did you have more kids with him if he wasn't prepared to marry you?

amicisimma · 21/07/2025 16:02

What have you done with the money you got when he bought (I presume that's what you mean by 'brought') you out of the house?

I hope you have it safely invested somewhere out of his reach and making a good rate of return. Preferably with £20,000 being put in an ISA each year to keep your tax liability down.

KateMiskin · 21/07/2025 16:05

So many posts like these from posters strung along by non-marrying men.
If you are the lower earner, do not have kids without marrying. Too late for the OP but anyone else reading, take heed.

FreewomaninParis · 21/07/2025 16:05

Fuck me, some people are fools. No-one on here can sort this mess out, sorry

WilfredsPies · 21/07/2025 16:05

I don’t think a letter is going to be any good. He might as well ice his wishes on a cake for all the legal standing an unwitnessed letter would have. He needs to write a will. Let him put it in trust for the children if that’s what he wants to do, but something needs to be done.

Obviously too late for you now, but you have massively fucked up. The best you can do is work really hard to catch up and secure your future.

Zov · 21/07/2025 16:08

You need to get married - cheap and cheerful registry office do.

If he refuses to get married, end it. What's in this relationship for you? What a tight fisted miser he sounds. Bet he does fuck-all around the house too, and is selfish in bed. amirite?

Zov · 21/07/2025 16:10

DandyDenimScroller · 21/07/2025 15:56

Why on earth did you have more kids with him if he wasn't prepared to marry you?

People are gonna throw shade on you for saying/asking this, but you have a good point... Why do women do this? Some deep-rooted hope that the man will marry them? They'd have done it before they had the first baby if they were going to.

AdoraBell · 21/07/2025 16:11

A Will, and do it together, get it witnessed by someone you trust to support you if his family contest it.

istheresomethingishouldsay · 21/07/2025 16:12

Leave him and file for CMS

Honestly, I hope you haven't give up work to support a 'boyfriend' and not a legal partner (marriage or civil).

SprayWhiteDung · 21/07/2025 16:13

It says an awful lot about how little he cares for you that, not only does he say he'll just dash off a little letter rather than actually make a will, but he's deliberately ignoring the elephant in the room.

Yes, there's always the risk that he could die whilst still relatively young; but the overriding risk to you is that he just ups and leaves - or, more likely, tells you to leave, as it's his house!

He's extremely selfish, only caring about his own comfort, security and wellbeing. Even if he did write a (legally-worthless) letter, he's still shouting loud and clear that he would only even consider allowing you to have/share any of his assets once he was dead and they'd be no use to him anyway.

Has he explicitly said why he doesn't want to marry? If his objections are to a big ceremony/party, a piece of paper, sharing names or anything like that, it's completely irrelevant.

The one truly important reason to marry would be to safeguard your security and stop you from being highly vulnerable.

When he says "I don't want to get married", he's actually telling you plainly "I don't want you to have any security as an equal partner - I want you to be totally reliant on my goodwill for as long as it suits me to offer it".

Figcherry · 21/07/2025 16:14

@rosesarebeautiful7 it’s no good complaining now.
You’ve consistently not laid down any boundaries .
You’ve no cards to play.

Bananalanacake · 21/07/2025 16:15

I've been with my DH 15 years, we have 2 DC and we got married after 11 years together, we'd already had the DC by then. I knew we'd get married though and I also had my own property. Is he worried you'll want a fancy party costing thousands, have you tried suggesting a register office ceremony with 2 witnesses and a pub meal.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 21/07/2025 16:21

You done yourself over when you accepted 7k off of him.

Give it back on the insistence that your name is added to the deeds of the present property.

Bellyblueboy · 21/07/2025 16:21

This doesn’t make sense at all.

you bought a house together initially, but he paid the deposit. So you had a legal agreement that if you split up and sold the house he would get his deposit back in addition to his half of the house value?

then you moved to a different area and in that process somehow a decision was taken that you would no longer own a house together, he would buy himself a house that you would live in with him?

why did you agree to this? It sounds like you split up when you moved house.

DandyDenimScroller · 21/07/2025 16:25

Zov · 21/07/2025 16:10

People are gonna throw shade on you for saying/asking this, but you have a good point... Why do women do this? Some deep-rooted hope that the man will marry them? They'd have done it before they had the first baby if they were going to.

Edited
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I'm sorry but I've always known to marry THEN have children. Call me old fashioned but it's also common sense. If the guy isn't keen on marriage then find another bloke. It really is stupid, the amount of posts you see on here. Exact same thing. Woman is only good for pro creation but not good enough to marry.

Venalopolos · 21/07/2025 16:25

TheaBrandt1 · 21/07/2025 14:18

God not another one.

Honestly there needs to be a poster.

If you give up any earning capacity whatsoever to raise a family or keep a home you have to be married or in a civil partnership.

If the man refuses to marry you that’s fine but then you go strictly 50/50 on all childcare and house drudge he does half and you prioritise your own career and not his.

Anything else is essentially financial suicide.

Never mind a poster.

I hate all the “why didn’t I get taught about mortgages at school” points, as schools should be there to teach academic subjects not admin skills. However I’m now getting to the point we should replace all lessons with making kids do lines for 10 years copying your post over and over.

It is now getting tedious. Why are people still having (often multiple) babies when they’re in relationships like this?!

Shatteredallthetimelately · 21/07/2025 16:25

Zov · 21/07/2025 16:10

People are gonna throw shade on you for saying/asking this, but you have a good point... Why do women do this? Some deep-rooted hope that the man will marry them? They'd have done it before they had the first baby if they were going to.

Edited
Show quote history

Equally some do it thinking that it's a solid commitment to each other and they're still entitled to half of everything.

It's far from, and couldn't be made more plain in this day and age.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 21/07/2025 16:27

Whether or not he intended an insult, or whether you feel insulted, is a bit beside the point.

If nothing changes, and he doesn't make a will, his estate (house and savings) will go to your children. You will get nothing.
But hopefully your children will be adult by then, and will not throw you out of the house with nowhere to go. Hopefully.

In the meantime, you live knowing that you are at his mercy - he can ask you to move out of his house at any time (with or without the children).

I get that you cannot contemplate going back to work while the baby is so young.
But if you want any sense of security and control over your own life, you will need to go back to work eventually, and start saving for yourself.
You need the means to pay for a deposit on a rental if he kicks you out, or otherwise if you stay together long term you would do better to have your own money in retirement.

Understand that you are not in a partnership - he does not see you as his 'partner'. You are on your own financially.

DandyDenimScroller · 21/07/2025 16:27

Shatteredallthetimelately · 21/07/2025 16:25

Equally some do it thinking that it's a solid commitment to each other and they're still entitled to half of everything.

It's far from, and couldn't be made more plain in this day and age.

Show quote history

No not at all, but you will get a lot more protection than being unmarried...or engaged for 20+ years

W0tnow · 21/07/2025 16:27

What happened to the 7k?