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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What an insult !!!

398 replies

rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:08

Been with partner 15 years 3 kids between ages of 1m and 8 ( all both of ours ) used to own a house together but he asked me to sign a prenup to make sure I didn’t get his deposit money, when we moved he brought me out ( 7k ) and I didn’t go on the next mortgage, fast forward to 3 kids and many years later I’ve said I’ve got no security, it’s completely his house I’ve mentioned this to him as we have kids together I’ve said to him I don’t feel like it’s my home and no security he could ask me to leave at any time !

I have spoke to him about this he messages me today as he’s been “ thinking “ he will write it down a “ letter “ to say that if anything happens to him then the house Is left to me and the kids !

im really insulted ! And not sure if im being unreasonable, we aren’t married we aren’t getting married either, I had hoped for some togetherness as a couple bringing up our kids together ! Please no comments about going to work my baby is only 5 weeks so that isn’t an option! X

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 21/07/2025 15:11

Pre nup = before marriage.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 21/07/2025 15:14

Good lord, this is the second thread like this I've seen today.

What on earth possessed you to have three children with this man? FGS.

MumWifeOther · 21/07/2025 15:14

rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:08

Been with partner 15 years 3 kids between ages of 1m and 8 ( all both of ours ) used to own a house together but he asked me to sign a prenup to make sure I didn’t get his deposit money, when we moved he brought me out ( 7k ) and I didn’t go on the next mortgage, fast forward to 3 kids and many years later I’ve said I’ve got no security, it’s completely his house I’ve mentioned this to him as we have kids together I’ve said to him I don’t feel like it’s my home and no security he could ask me to leave at any time !

I have spoke to him about this he messages me today as he’s been “ thinking “ he will write it down a “ letter “ to say that if anything happens to him then the house Is left to me and the kids !

im really insulted ! And not sure if im being unreasonable, we aren’t married we aren’t getting married either, I had hoped for some togetherness as a couple bringing up our kids together ! Please no comments about going to work my baby is only 5 weeks so that isn’t an option! X

Are you, or have you ever, contributing to bills?

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 21/07/2025 15:14

Suggesting OP pay a solicitor to find out what 'rights' she has is not good advice.

Rights have to be opted in to, this is a good thing. People must choose if they want the state involved in their relationship, by signing a legal document.
OP has as many rights to her boyfriends property as you or I do.
Hopefully she's financially independent.

Pedallleur · 21/07/2025 15:17

rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:40

He doesn’t want to marry! I’ve asked several times if we can get married and he’s always made excuses

or he doesnt want to marry you?

FOJN · 21/07/2025 15:18

He's already fucked you over. Presumably you have lost earning potential whilst you've been having kids and he wanted to make sure that you could not benefit from the equity of a shared property if he was paying the bills whilst you had his children.

You have left yourself at his mercy. You need to get your act together now. Stop thinking he has your interests at heart, he does not, he has already shown you that and for whatever reason you did not recognise you were being mugged when he was doing it. He has put his financial security first despite you having children and paying the mum tax. This man is a selfish cunt.

SerafinasGoose · 21/07/2025 15:19

rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:40

He doesn’t want to marry! I’ve asked several times if we can get married and he’s always made excuses

He's stitched you up like a kipper, OP. This is not a judgement of you - the onus for this was entirely on him. He knew exactly what he was doing.

He's wholly concerned with his own interests - not those of his children and certainly not yours. It's not only an insult, but gratuitous to the extent that in your shoes I could no longer stay with him.

BoredZelda · 21/07/2025 15:23

None of this is making sense. You owned a home but when you moved in together you decided you didn’t want to be a joint homeowner? What on earth possessed you to do that?

5 week old baby or not if you don’t protect yourself financially, and right soon, you could be in a whole heap of trouble.

VeryStressedMum · 21/07/2025 15:23

You'll have to think about yourself here from now on. He has manoeuvred everything so you are left with nothing and he has everything.
He won't marry you, a man who makes sure the mother of his children has no financial stake in the family home will never marry.

I'm not sure what your work situation is but you should start making plans. No doubt once you do have money he will insist you spend it all on the kids, the house, other stuff because a woman with money cannot be controlled and can leave him.

BreakingBroken · 21/07/2025 15:23

You also need to be next of kin in medical matters and be the recipient of any death benefits (workplace and private pension).
Both of you should see a lawyer together and sort this.

housethatbuiltme · 21/07/2025 15:25

For inheritance a 'letter' does nothing, it needs to be an actual legal will that is signed and witnessed to leave the house to you.

Currently if he dies without a will the house SHOULD pass to your children (assuming hes legally listed as their father) and you may have a claim under the 1975 families act as a dependent if you have relied on his house as your home (while you might not 'inherit' it over your kid you might qualify for the right to live there).

Katiesaidthat · 21/07/2025 15:27

Bjorkdidit · 21/07/2025 14:14

If you're a family unit and you're contributing by providing childcare and/or working, the house should be half yours.

He should also write a will saying that if anything happens to him, you should inherit the house. Otherwise intestacy rules apply and his parent or other close relative could take your home.

Why? they have children together, inheritance only goes up if it can´t go down, their children are heirs.

Sgreenpy · 21/07/2025 15:34

I think you need to sit down and talk this through properly.
These are the things which need thinking about.

  • you can register a civil partnership which gives you security in case you split up (all the same rights as a marriage). It's relatively cheap and you don't have to throw a huge wedding.
  • have a marriage ceremony, without the 'wedding bit' again relatively cheap.
  • get yourself and your partner some legal wills written. You can do this very simply online and for low/no cost and they are looked at by a solicitor. It doesn't have to cost huge amounts - particularly if it's simple, he leaves everything he has to you/vice versa and/or then to children. When you are married it's called 'mirror wills'
  • if he dies without a will, normal intestacy rules apply and his assets will be split equally between his children (no other family member would have a claim), if he dies before the children reach adulthood the estate is held in a statutory trust (which is managed by a trustee usually the other parent).
  • his children become his next of kin when they become adults.
  • his current next of kin are his parents.

Good luck OP
x

Swan6 · 21/07/2025 15:35

rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:40

He doesn’t want to marry! I’ve asked several times if we can get married and he’s always made excuses

Well no
He has nothing to gain by getting married and everything to loose ,such as half of everything he has in a divorce.
He's got a cleaner ,a cook ,sex on tap and a childminder all free
Why would he want to pay for that by getting married.
How do so many women get themselves in this situation,I have no idea

Swan6 · 21/07/2025 15:37

Personally I would stop, doing everything for him
No cooking,no cleaning,no sex .
I would say we get married or relationship ends
And get yourself down to the council to get on the waiting list for a house
Get an application in for universal credit and housing benefit
And start the process of moving out

notanothersummercold · 21/07/2025 15:39

You can't have been on mumsnet very long op - so many red flags in your story.

Protect yourself from this selfish prick.

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 21/07/2025 15:40

Massive red flags OP.
Please say that you work and aren't financially reliant on this man.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 21/07/2025 15:40

He's fucked you over. You've given up your earning potential to raise his children and if you split up you have fuck all rights and thats how he wants it. Him with everything and you with nothing.

I know you said you dont want to be told to work because your baby is very young but you have got to start thinking with your head not your heart and at least start planning how to get your own income independent of him.

Lyra87 · 21/07/2025 15:41

His actions speak louder than words OP. He clearly doesn't want to be tied to you financially or legally and doesn't care that he's leaving you and his children vulnerable if something happens to him. You deserve better.

You're 5 weeks pp so I wouldn't take any action this moment but you definitely need to think about your future and secure your own interests. I would start planning how you can make this happen.

Swan6 · 21/07/2025 15:42

If he really really loved you
He would want you to be financially secure, because he would the best for you and his children.
He doesn't
He cares only for himself

VeryStressedMum · 21/07/2025 15:42

Sgreenpy · 21/07/2025 15:34

I think you need to sit down and talk this through properly.
These are the things which need thinking about.

  • you can register a civil partnership which gives you security in case you split up (all the same rights as a marriage). It's relatively cheap and you don't have to throw a huge wedding.
  • have a marriage ceremony, without the 'wedding bit' again relatively cheap.
  • get yourself and your partner some legal wills written. You can do this very simply online and for low/no cost and they are looked at by a solicitor. It doesn't have to cost huge amounts - particularly if it's simple, he leaves everything he has to you/vice versa and/or then to children. When you are married it's called 'mirror wills'
  • if he dies without a will, normal intestacy rules apply and his assets will be split equally between his children (no other family member would have a claim), if he dies before the children reach adulthood the estate is held in a statutory trust (which is managed by a trustee usually the other parent).
  • his children become his next of kin when they become adults.
  • his current next of kin are his parents.

Good luck OP
x

Edited

This man knows of all this. He doesn't care that's why he made sure to buy the op out and then made sure the new house was in his name only. He won't marry, he won't do a civil partnership, and I would bet he won't make a will because men like this don't even want the woman to have his money even if he's dead.

SaywhatIthink · 21/07/2025 15:42

You did it to yourself op sorry but you screwed yourself over thats how it comes across.
I would never marry and if i ever did settle with anyone i would also have a pre-nup.
Woman are told all the time to protect theirselfs with marriage or pre-nups.
For the sounds of it he`s done what you should have done.

Swan6 · 21/07/2025 15:42

VeryStressedMum · 21/07/2025 15:42

This man knows of all this. He doesn't care that's why he made sure to buy the op out and then made sure the new house was in his name only. He won't marry, he won't do a civil partnership, and I would bet he won't make a will because men like this don't even want the woman to have his money even if he's dead.

Show quote history

Exactly
Sadly

Plantladylover · 21/07/2025 15:46

Utter madness in this day and age how many women are not financially independent.

Why on earth do women keep having baby after baby with men who will not make any financial or marital commitment to them. It's too late once you have kids- of course he won't marry you/put you on the deeds/ put you on mortgage/buy a house with you. Why would he? He has everything he needs and will also get everything in the event of a split while the woman walks away with nothing.

If you are determined to be with a man who won't marry you or have an equal share in a house with you as joint tenants then at least keep your career, pension and financial independence. I don't know if it's a lack of education, stupidity, naivety or just a blinkered view of 'love'

Is it me or are there more threads just like this nowadays?

Plantladylover · 21/07/2025 15:47

rosesarebeautiful7 · 21/07/2025 14:40

He doesn’t want to marry! I’ve asked several times if we can get married and he’s always made excuses

He doesn't need to marry you does he. you won't leave him. why would he marry you when you would then have a legal claim on his assets. he has he where he wants you.