What an insult !!!

[rosesarebeautiful7]

Been with partner 15 years 3 kids between ages of 1m and 8 ( all both of ours ) used to own a house together but he asked me to sign a prenup to make sure I didn’t get his deposit money, when we moved he brought me out ( 7k ) and I didn’t go on the next mortgage, fast forward to 3 kids and many years later I’ve said I’ve got no security, it’s completely his house I’ve mentioned this to him as we have kids together I’ve said to him I don’t feel like it’s my home and no security he could ask me to leave at any time !

I have spoke to him about this he messages me today as he’s been “ thinking “ he will write it down a “ letter “ to say that if anything happens to him then the house Is left to me and the kids !

im really insulted ! And not sure if im being unreasonable, we aren’t married we aren’t getting married either, I had hoped for some togetherness as a couple bringing up our kids together ! Please no comments about going to work my baby is only 5 weeks so that isn’t an option! X

This. Young girls need to be warned about it all. I feel like ‘equality’ of this kind (such as not having to get married before living together) has actually led to more oppression and imisseration of women.

Typical scenario appears to be: woman gives up career, uses all her savings to ‘cover’ maternity, gets a low paid job but still has to pay 50% of bills plus all the chilcare and children’s costs, has no pension, is left in the lurch while he takes massive equity, thriving career and amazing pension with him. Oh, and then she can do 100% of raising teenagers by herself.

There needs to be some kind of protest movement called ‘Do not have a baby with him’.

So basically he was very focused on protecting himself while you were very focused on birthing children. Whatever possessed you to get pregnant three times without thinking about your situation?

Yeah, and what message is it sending to the children?

'Your mother isn't good enough to marry.'

Seriously, why, WHY do women have babies with men who won't marry them?

As I said, it must be a deep rooted hope that the man will marry them if they have a child/children with them.

That's fine if he doesn't want to marry. You can stay partners. You just need to do a civil partnership. Costs £54. No rings, parties, stag/hen etc. There is no excuse for not doing that.

I honestly think women from my conservative Asian family are better protected in a way. This is no equality but oppression.

YEP! 👏 Well said. As has been said on here a few times recently, more and more young women are choosing to remain child free now, as they are getting wise to this shit.

Problem is you can do this, then next week he writes a new one.

I will bet my house that the OP's 'partner' won't do this.

A ‘letter’ has no legal standing. I suspect he knows that. There needs to be a will (although he could change that at any point).

The children will inherit on intestacy. However, that’s all children including any from the partner’s previous relationship(s).

You signed a prenup but arent getting married? And he brought you out (7k for a house doesnt sound right?) And your not on current house. Sorry but why have you agreed to this?? He is sorted if you break up whilst your have nothing

Agreed and OP will just continue having kids in the hope that "maybe after this child, he will marry me".

a letter isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

you need to be named in his will (but that can be changed at any time without your knowledge of course)

if you’re unmarried you’re not entitled to a penny if the relationship breaks down, save for child maintenance. If he dies without a will tomorrow again you’re entitled to nothing, but your children will automatically inherit his assets.

Other countries eg NZ you’d be entitled to
something if you broke up after 3 years but not in England : do people still not realise that common law marriage is not a thing? Trying not to stick the boot in, it’s just really upsetting to read these stories over and over.

Still so confused why moving area meant he bought you out?

You are so vulnerable financially. This arrangement is fine when all going well. But if relationship breaks down, you're screwed

Unless you're married (and I'd say even then) it's hugely important to be financially secure in your own right

Perhaps speak to Citizens Advice to see what your options may be, but I think they'll be limited, sadly

This sounds very sad, Op.

He bought you out? So, what happened to that money? Did you use it to put a deposit on a small investment property?

I know people are saying he needs to write a will, not a letter, but if things fell apart, he can easily change a will. You really are in a very precarious position.

Still, you can’t fix the past, so, what to do now? Probably not much right now, while you have a baby that is so small, but when you can, get back to work. Make sure he’s paying his share of child care. Make sure you’re paying into a company pension or national insurance. I’m not in the UK, but if you’ve been out of the workforce there, I believe you can make some sort of top up payments. Make sure you are looking after your future!

Planning for your future is so important, and if you’ve both end up still together in old age, those savings won’t be wasted, they’ll provide a great retirement for both of you, but for now, put yourself first.

If you’ve both end don’t have a career to go back to, can you upskill or do some online learning while you’re at home with the baby?

@NeedToChangeName I posted a citizens advice link way up thread, OPs options are to get financial independence and house herself, co-parent the kids with the man. Leaving herself dependent on a man for housing isn't viable.

She hasn't clarified if she already is financially secure and has amassed savings while this man has had her living in his property, though.

He will write a 'letter?' FFS - WAKE UP OP. You have kids with this useless shit of a father and now find yourself exposed and vulnerable. What if he kicks you out tomorrow - where will you go, what will you do? Think of your children. God - please wake up OP.

So many red flags 🚩
signing a pre nup and not marrying you but happy to have kids with you are the two most obvious

This.

And get him to arrange a proper will……not write a letter. This needs to be done legally and correctly, you and the children need to assurance that your home is safe in any event.

OP it’s pretty worrying to be in your situation. He clearly doesn’t want to give you financial power in your relationship and he doesn’t care that it makes you incredibly vulnerable.

What access to money do you have? Do you still have the money he bought you out for, or has that been spent on the family since? Is there any way for you to start squirreling some away? I appreciate you can’t go back to work right now, but you need to be thinking (yes, already!) about how you can get into a situation where you have a reasonable income of your own. And then you need to be stashing as much away as possible. If you feel fairly stable in your relationship then you can do this in the open, but it’s more important to do it than to be open about it.

In the mean time, can you suggest to him that he at least puts money into your pension while you’re unable to work because you are caring for your joint kids?

Not saying you will split but if you did your children are entitled to live in the family home until 18
And either of you will pay the mortgage but if he doesn't want you to have any profits from it then it will more then likely be him paying it and you the bills please look up schedule one childrens act and seek more legal advice x

But there is nothing to permit her to live there with them. He has to provide support in accordance with the CSA calculator and that’s all.

The courts will almost never order someone out of his house so an unmarried partner can live there with her (and it’s almost always her) children.

Of course, if the OP is going to dripfeed that her partner is a Premiership footballer on hundreds of thousands a week, that’s different.

https://www.familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/a-case-study-how-schedule-1-can-assist-unmarried-parents/

You forgot about the man not being keen on strangers bringing up his children, so nursery is not an option!