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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband got v close to school mum

291 replies

LDFem · 19/07/2025 19:51

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

OP posts:
FoggyDay58 · 19/07/2025 19:58

You must confront him and insist on marriage therapy. Explain you need him to acknowledge your worries, remind him that you're the one he's married to and needs to be honest with. If he won't, when you're as explicit as this, then you can ask him to move out or leave yourself to show him you mean it. You may want to get money and documents together and make a plan before you confront him with the above as well.

BookishBabe · 19/07/2025 20:00

I had this 4 weeks ago.
There was other problems with my DHs mental health and how he was treating us.
We had an argument, he went to the school Mums house to "be consoled" and they've been a couple ever since 🤨
And there was a lot of "you don't understand, we're just friends" up until that point.

OurBeautifulBaby · 19/07/2025 20:04

If other people are seeing it then you know it’s really happening.

Will they continue to meet up now it’s the summer holidays? Doesn’t he have work to be getting on with? He seems to have a lot of spare time to see her.

NoSoupForU · 19/07/2025 20:07

There's no problem whatsoever with men and women being friends. Lots of my friends are men. But they're normal friendships. It's the intensity that I'd have an issue with, and would probably feel a bit weird about it if it were a male friendship too because it's a bit codependent and overfamiliar for grown adults.

Honestly I'd get my ducks in a row and then lay it out plain as day that if he insists on continuing this friendship in this way it would be the end of the relationship. And I'd absolutely follow through on that too.

Luckyingame · 19/07/2025 20:17

Yes, if you are alright practically, call it quits.
I wouldn't waste my precious time
to try to have a conversation with him, speaking for myself.
Cannot imagine my husband strolling in the woods with a school mum, it would be over very quickly.
Obviously, I have these options.

BearyNiceEars · 19/07/2025 20:28

I would ask to see his messages to her and see how he reacts. I’m absolutely fine with DP having female friendships, but this one sounds far too intense and if it were me, I would want to get to the bottom of whatever is going on. Good luck OP.

LDFem · 19/07/2025 21:14

I do believe the out of drop off / pick up stuff has subsided and he says the messages have stopped, but they are magnets whenever even at the school which is clearly seen by others. School holidays will help but it’ll be back to normal come September…

OP posts:
Brokenforsummer · 19/07/2025 21:18

Are these meet ups some yimes just him and her or do they always have the kids with them?

Fuzziduck · 19/07/2025 21:21

My friend was the female in this. They were having an affair, got caught and going to school for all involved was awful.

Youarenotwrong · 19/07/2025 21:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CinnamonBuns67 · 19/07/2025 21:31

I'll be honest I think I'd hit the roof. The fact he's willing to carry on with it knowing how uncomfortable it makes you without even introducing you to this woman to attempt to reassure you feel speaks volumes.

HelloHattie · 19/07/2025 21:35

The one who told you they’re very close is a great friend.

YNott · 19/07/2025 21:51

Tell him what you’ve been told but not by whom. Suggest he goes for it on a one-way ticket and absolutely mean it. He’ll be forced to realise the impact of his actions and understand you can live without him. Bring it to a head and stand firm.

Morningsleepin · 19/07/2025 21:56

OurBeautifulBaby · 19/07/2025 20:04

If other people are seeing it then you know it’s really happening.

Will they continue to meet up now it’s the summer holidays? Doesn’t he have work to be getting on with? He seems to have a lot of spare time to see her.

Not necessarily. My friend was told that I was being inappropriate with her husband and was just malicious gossip

Hothothotter · 19/07/2025 21:56

I think he is taking the whole thing too far and she is obviously not just a ‘friend.’ Walking in the woods? What’s that about?

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 19/07/2025 21:58

Don’t let yourself be disrespected.
Keep calm & tell him you’re bored of being gaslit & would like to end the relationship. He’s not good enough. You need a man who shows you respect.x

cc99xo · 19/07/2025 21:59

I would not be happy with this, would he be happy if you were acting this way with a school dad? For someone to notice it and go out of their way to tell you, that’s a huge red flag there. Sorry you’re going through this.

onwards2025 · 19/07/2025 22:00

LDFem · 19/07/2025 21:14

I do believe the out of drop off / pick up stuff has subsided and he says the messages have stopped, but they are magnets whenever even at the school which is clearly seen by others. School holidays will help but it’ll be back to normal come September…

Isn't that the same for everyone at school drop offs / pick up - make a bee line for yourown friends and the ones you can actually tolerate whilst walking into school etc. That in itself is very normal, can you say you don't/wouldnt do the same?

DorothyStorm · 19/07/2025 22:00

Morningsleepin · 19/07/2025 21:56

Not necessarily. My friend was told that I was being inappropriate with her husband and was just malicious gossip

Op has seen it too

pinotnow · 19/07/2025 22:05

This resonates with me. I was the wife and the marriage ended. I was a lot more naïve than you. Friends warned me but I brushed it off. Listen to your instincts.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 19/07/2025 22:10

If you won’t trust your gut, trust the gut of your friend. I personally would be trying to gather as much information as possible at this stage and making a plan to leave.

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 19/07/2025 22:14

People are clearly noticing and talking about it, which is very concerning but also shows utter disrespect for you and your marriage. I would not put up with it at all. And definitely as a pp said, ask to see his phone!

Endofyear · 19/07/2025 22:22

I'm sorry OP, your husband is taking the piss 😡 trust your gut instinct, you know there is more to this than friendship. The same thing happened to my friend after she had a baby - husband started doing school runs and had an affair with one of the school mums. Lots of people knew and didn't tell my friend 😔 be thankful that one of the other mums approached you - she probably wouldn't have unless she was pretty sure there was something going on.

OurBeautifulBaby · 19/07/2025 22:24

Morningsleepin · 19/07/2025 21:56

Not necessarily. My friend was told that I was being inappropriate with her husband and was just malicious gossip

It’s not the case here though it is? OP already had her worries about them.

FridayFeelingmidweek · 19/07/2025 22:40

Relationship counselling might be needed if he cannot see the problem here. No, not ok, he might (though unlikely) feel things are purely platonic but she may not feel the same. Don't let him gaslight you. Say it's not ok, not appropriate and cut it out.

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