Husband got v close to school mum

[LDFem]

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

I’d be taking this in to my own hands and putting the wind up him. I’d tell him ‘You haven’t spoken to me all weekend so I’m sorting this out myself. I’ve text Steven (OW’s partner) and asked him to meet me next week to sort this out once and for all. I didn’t tell him why I want to meet, but he knows what I’m getting at, that I think the pair of you are fucking and I have other Mum’s approaching me in the playground suggested the same.’

Leave that with him. I would also say ‘If you don’t want to talk fine, but your life is on the cusp of exploding over your relationship with this woman, so let’s hope all the coffees and play dates have been worth it. By the way it’s not a fucking play date if there is only ONE child there you moron. That’s two adults meeting up.’

Supposedly not anymore…

So he asked a women that you have requested he stop socialising with, to come for a play date with her toddler and you don’t have toddlers…..that’s doesn’t SEEM weird, it IS.

Thats one aspect above and doesn’t include all the walking in the woods etc.

Look, you seem like an intelligent woman and what he’s done is create a situation so bizarre and so unbelievably selfish that you are almost in denial. This is because intellectually you know this is far beyond unacceptable and you don’t deserve this complete lack of accountability from him.

It is hard for the brain to fathom that someone we love and who says they love us would do this so obviously and out in the open it doesn’t make sense!! Especially given the consequences are you leaving and he doesn’t seem to care at all. It’s a disgusting situation he has put you in but it appears he’s taking advantage of your more than good nature and believes you’ll react no further like the good submissive woman he expects you to be whilst around others can see his ruse.

I know you’re asking Mumsnet for advice but stand back…….you KNOW he is being a disgusting gaslighting arsheole who has actively and repeatedly chosen to spend time with a female you’ve specifically asked him not to.

Read my first para again……..he invited her for a play date with her toddler child…you don’t have toddlers.

Now imagine you’d asked hot single school dad to do the same after hubby was upset and insecure about hot school dad …..actually went out of your way to do this with lots of “woodland” walks with said hot school dad. And others saw this flaunting and felt pity for your husband and tried to warn him.

you see how utterly obvious and disrespectful that situation is.

Leave, you deserve so much more. Don’t waste any more years on this man and have more friends pitying your situation. If you ignore he’ll continue and do this again with others and you’ve accepted once and will again. Don’t let this be your life.

Dont waste time arguing with him about an obvious situation. It’s a nonsense almost like asking a child with chocolate on his face did he steal the chocolate. Your husband IS doing what you’re asking him not to with another female. You need no further input from
him he has made his position clear. Leave.

finally I wanted to say how amazing you are. You have navigated this whole thread without laying blame solely on the school mum which many would do. You have placed blame at your husbands door where it should be.

Once you’ve got past what feels most difficult to accept ie the bit where you tell him to take his woodland walking, play date arse elsewhere….. then all self doubt will evaporate and your strong and angry angle will drop into that void like Tetris blocks and you’ll be a force he didn’t even know existed!!!!

I thought this woman was supposed to also be a friend of yours? Why have you said nothing to her? Tell her that your husband’s behaviour towards her, his extreme defensiveness about the relationship, and comments from other parents about their abnormal closeness has been making you uncomfortable and unhappy for some time. Ask her if she is having an affair with him, or just giving the world that impression, because you have lost all trust in your husband and are hoping for more honesty from her.

Op it’s all there for you to see. Focus on it. There is no grey area. They are having an affair. His disregard for you is Classic cheats behaviour.

I mean it might be innocent, my husband has close female friends and I think nothing of it, but then he has never asked me to end friendships with my male friends either. Also it is the intensity of what you describe. Even if nothing physical has happened, there is a chance it is an emotional affair (which is a far less clear thing obviously and may explain why he thinks he has done nothing wrong). However emotional affairs are also not OK and regardless of how their relationship is defined it is making you uncomfortable so he should be taking this seriously.

I agree with the first poster, I would recommend relationship counselling. A neutral third person might help him to understand how damaging his actions could be and also help you both decide what you want.

This is the right advice OP. Be strong.

If this friend was male would you have a problem?

E.g. a male who came round for a play date with the younger child.

Lots of women have super close friendships.

And if you would be ok if this person was male and not females it comes down to whether you trust your husband. Do you?

I had a close friendship with a male. I helped him with MH problems. It was a bit intense at times as he was quite needy but there was no way in a million years I'd want a relationship with him! We stopped being friends partly because his wife decided something was going on, and partly because he had a character trait that I massively disliked and found hard to overlook.

If you don't trust your husband then you dont have much of a relationship.

For another school mum, with no chips in the game, to approach you and warn you that something's up... Would tell me that something is up.

Carries her bags to the car?
Play dates without a kid?

have you threatened you’re leaving?

you can’t just ask him to stop that, you tell him, you threaten, you put your point across in a way that he gets or he’s out

One thing his relationship is not is innocent. No innocent man reacts to your obviously legitimate concerns by prioritising his “friendship” over his marriage. He’s an arsehole.

Next step will be sleep over …. Minus the kids 😫

and way he has stonewalled and gaslit me repeatedly.

Someone has a reason to do this.

Also the person who mentioned it to you - would not do it lightly

Sadly OP I think your marriage is already toast. He's already prioritising her over you and has been for some time. Men in happy marriages don't upset their wives feelings with intense contact to the extent that other people are noticing it too. So toughen up, and make him pay the consequences for his actions before he completely destroys your self worth. There is no good to come from staying, because even if this "friendship" ends, he's shown you that he's sniffing elsewhere.

I have a good male friend who I go "strolling in the woods with". We are both married and there is no issue there. I think the difference is we see each other maybe once every three weeks for a walk rather than every day.

It doesnt really matter if they have shagged. They are deep in an emotional affair and that is a huge transgression already.

I don't think that's what's happening in op's case, but some people do just love to cause drama. I was once spotted being 'over friendly' with a school dad - it was my brother 🤣

He's having an emotional affair and YANBU. I would do two things. Tell him his marriage is in jeopardy and ask him would he really want to get divorced over this friendship?

I would also speak to her. You were friends once. Be frank. Say that you are hurt and annoyed that their behaviour has sparked gossip and rumour, and ask her if she really wants to be the cause of a marriage breakdown.

For me the original flag is that he stopped you having male friends....them part two of that flag is he is allowed female friends.

A play date with only one kid is just a date isn't it? Sorry to say this OP but I think this is already an affair, and if other people are noticing then they aren't even trying to hide it. He doesn't seem to care how you feel about it which says it all. I think you need to start gathering evidence and getting your ducks in a row.

I would second marriage counselling although it sounds unlikely he'll agree. Maybe an independent 3rd party will help him hear what you're saying and take accountability.

If he refuses to go, I would consider separating. There's no point speaking to her because it won't address your husband's behaviour of gaslighting etc. Be wary also that his behaviour doesn't change just for the summer holidays and then revert to type once schools are back.

OP, boundaries are not something a person can ignore, because they are limits on the behaviour you will tolerate, and you display and enforce your boundaries by your own actions.

As if his behaviour with this woman isn't bad enough, he is now acting like an abuser - gaslighting you and giving you the silent treatment. Counselling with an abuser is not recommended. Because he already hears you, and he simply does not care. Hence turning it back on you and making you feel crazy.

If you don't want this behaviour in your life, you have to hold firm on your boundary - either this ALL changes right now or you divorce him. And follow through.

That's a boundary.

I think talking to her about it would only make me look like the stereotypical crazy wife, and she theoretically owes me nothing - we were friends briefly but that swiftly turned into them being friends without me. As much as I think she must have questioned the appropriateness of their friendship, and perhaps even had/has other motives, I think it’s my husband who owes me the respect and reassurances.

I agree. Is he trying to force you into ending things so he doesn’t look like the bad guy?

I think that the other school mum was very brave. People often shoot the messenger. Everyone else will know but will have said nothing.