Husband got v close to school mum

[LDFem]

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

You are not an idiot. You are a decent human being who trusted your husband, as you should be able to. He has betrayed you. Whether or not he actually did anything with this other woman or not almost doesn’t matter, he’s sat back and done fuck all while you’ve slaved away keeping the show on the road, and that in itself is a massive betrayal. You are supposed to be a team.

Yes op its important you see a lawyer before making your move.

Don't listen to the hotheads saying kick him out: that's not strategic. It might feel cathartic for one evening but could come back to bite you.

Good luck OP, please get your ducks in a row and get yourself out of this situation. He is the idiot and you will be much better off (mentally and financially) without him.

You are not an idiot at all .. look at all you have put into your marriage you are carrying him while he cracks on the way he is.
I think you have just reached that point we all do where enough is enough .
Walk away get the best legal advice be two steps ahead of him .. you can do this you are worth so much more than his disrespect.
Show him the door .. xx

This is 💯 what I was getting at earlier (appreciate there are a lot of messages so probably missed)
Dont kick him out and dont raise it again. Play smart.

Get them in afterschool and breakfast club try and get more flex in your job if possible and do more pickups / dropoffs

Also make sure you are primary contact for school, dentist, GP etc etc.
Make it so he cant argue he is the primary carer and "gave up his career" for the kids

And start saying to him...well the kids are sorted what are you doing with yourself jobwise...

He's probably going to argue and fight that, so that he can continue treating OP as he does now. OP to do it you will need to be tough and firm. For example, take DC to childcare yourself, every day, whether he likes it or not. He might refuse to take DC there, he might try to pick DC up and take them back out.. and so on. Refuse all psychological pressure to do things for him and let him get away with things.. It depends how determined he is to live off you, but you may need to fight on multiple issues.

I still say get the phone proof if you can. Can you subtly watch him type his code to unlock it while next to you on the sofa etc. It might help you feel you are not going crazy, to see messages between them in black & white, & even if you don't tell him you have the proof yet, it could become useful later to show that you know he's a liar. He might lie to DC when they are older, say you made everything up.. I'd want the hard evidence for lots of reasons.

He knows it upsets you but continues the behavior and is stonewalling you. That is all you need to know. He is throwing away what you have, let him. Quietly get your ducks in a row. Tell him he needs to find a job now because you aren't funding his at home life anymore and your family needs the money Make him get employed and the kids in care. Once that all happens proceed with divorce. He doesn't deserve anymore from you. Let him have his school mum. Chances are she won't want him anyway and he will have nothing. Good riddance to the both of them. Your kids will be much happier with a mum who takes care of herself.

Do this, also stop sending him the money you do- tell him he has to up his hours and the extra time is to support him job hunting (I’d say save it for lawyers but you’ll prob need it to pay for childcare) Stop doing so much for him, stay calm, detach.

This!

At the very least it’s an emotional affair. If you are strong enough to end it you should kick him out and if he goes to his parents or somewhere then he might be worth taking back but if he goes to be with her you know you were right.

I thought my husband was too friendly with a colleague. I only saw a fraction of what you saw. They had been cheating for 6 months when I finally found out and my god did he become an expert liar I honestly believed him right up until I found proof.

good luck. I really hope you are stronger than me and can figure what is best for you.

@LDFem you put his stuff in bin bags on the lawn.

What a tosser. I’m so sorry x

Surely you weren't even vaguely considering the notion of staying with him prior to this? He's been having sex with another woman and made you an object of ridicule and scorn. If that's not the nail in the coffin, I can't think what is.

I would rather eat my eyeballs than go through a third party to tell a woman my husband fancies that she’s making me uncomfortable!! HE is the problem.

To be honest OP, this is probably the more sensible advice. I am just furious on your behalf and disgusted that I probably am not advising you well. Getting your ducks in a row so you can finally get your revenge is probably the best way. Be ruthless. Leave him with nothing 🙏🏽

If I say anything there is always a response to blame me (asked why he hadn’t tried to talk to me all day and he said ‘why didn’t you try talking to me?’)…It is a never ending cycle and I am absolutely exhausted. How on earth do I get him to see my point of view?

This is a well documented abuse tactic in domestic abuse - its called DARVO - which stands for Defend Attack Reverse Victim and Offender.

You are wasting your breath and exhausting yourself here. Step away. Keep your cards close to your chest and see a lawyer.

Maybe but some women do welcome the attention.

Agree much that for someone (& others) else to even notice this, and feel the need to tell you is a big (huge) red flag. Maybe show him this post & ask again what exactly is going on? Friendly chats at school gates - yes, ok, fair enough. Getting together (in the woods) while children are at school - hell, no.
You do obviously already realise about his previous 'gaslighting' - also 'back to normal in September' isn't normal'.....You feel uncomfortable about this - trust your instincts. Or just ASK him outright what this is about??? With kindness &Good luck 🌹

@LDFem yes to this and getting your ducks in a row.

I am withdrawing my previous comment - mentally put his stuff in bin bags on the lawn. You’ve got this. Give him nothing, he is not on your side.

Brilliant post 👆

I would also add tell him that you have all the debt to repay that you incurred on his behalf and to ensure don't get into financial problems (lose his cushy life) he will need to get back to work - let him pay his own phone - move the phone into his name and don't pay some of his other stuff so he has no beer money left over.

Definitely do not show him this post, or thread. He won't care. He'll think you're a fool. Just plan for a better future for your children and yourself.

Forgot to say this in my last post but yes this is good too "manage the money" more.

You have realised you pensions are short so more money must go in - your net income is down in main acc so he needs to pay some of his in, his phone needs to be paid for put of his account (important its HIS account) and also netflix and water (or whatever) more over to his account.

in reality Reduce you pension contributions to minimum and stash the delta. With parents siblings? or just as cash.
you can dripfeed back when you need it 5-10k in 2 years time is a very handy amount...

@LDFem why are you putting up with a lazy cheat like this?? get rid!

You're not an idiot OP, you thought you were playing on the same team.

He doesn't appreciate how easy you have made his life and he got complacent about it all. He's about to find out though!

Oh Op what a shitty husband you have. He’s hooked now there friendship should never had come to just these 2. She obviously doesn’t respect you a decent woman would keep you involved. He really is being a selfish bastard. I think you do too much considering your the one working and paying for most things. I would be tempted to just say it’s her or me because I’m done with you. It sounds like he is only useful for school stuff. He is taking advantage of you dictating what you should do he’s lazy selfish disrespectful and probably has feelings for his friend just because a toddler is with them doesn’t mean they can’t get up to anything with her oh being away a lot she will be lonely you need to get something sorted before they both decide there going to be together.

Sorry meant to say you’re not an idiot he is. A lot of women have to let dads do school runs he choosing to make her the priority over you so this is definitely on him and her for letting it happen.