Husband got v close to school mum

[LDFem]

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

I’m so sorry. If he hasn’t respected you enough until this point to have boundaries, he’s already developed feelings and once you leave they will very quickly become a couple, it’s likely that they’ve already shared a kiss or more. You can’t come back from this. You should have ended it when he first dismissed you.

Seems like meet ups and texts are not happening anymore? If so that is reassuring and I would be fine with them chatting at the school gate.

I had a colleague who did this. He was married but it was obvious that he was getting very close with another colleague who was a divorcee. We all noticed it. When she moved house he went round on his own to put up shelves for her etc. hHe convinced his wife that he was allowed to have a friend. It was clear to everyone else that he was in love with her. I don’t know the outcome as I moved on but I really felt for his wife.

This happened to me over 30 years ago, I knew there was something wrong, but couldn't prove it. I was gaslighted by both of them for 4 years, the most awful years of my life! I was told I was paranoid, menopausal, jealous, mentally ill, and that if we split up, he would get custody of our sons as I was not fit to care for them. Eventually they got over confident and I caught them out. I made an immediate appointment with a solicitor, and threw him out. It was such a relief to be able to be honest with my wider family, and I was well supported. Other parents from the school told me afterwards that they knew, and had seen what was going on, but didn't like to tell me. They could have saved me 4 years of torture. If other people are telling you, you need to act. Divorce is easier now, although I did get some satisfaction in naming the other woman as 'correspondent' which is not a thing now.

At least an emotional affair. Theres some dads from school I very much like as people but I’m not drawn to them like a magnet, more have a chat at a playdate stuff and Dh happily chats to the mums. If people are noticing then it’s a “thing”.

It may just be a temporary infatuation or something like that but tbh I’d be extremely worried if it was my DH.

I don’t know that she wants him but there is a magnetic energy between them and I’d imagine she sees in him what is lacking from her own partner - DH is great with kids, does the drop offs and pickups, carries her bags to the car for her when she has her hands full, and is funny and charismatic.

Yeah I think theres something going on there, no-one volunteers for this unless you want to just spend time with that other person.

This is not what's happening...
She has talked to her husband. He gives zero fucks about her feelings and shes sleeping on a sofa after being ignored for days.

I agree with you! My husband was not completely oblivious to her having a “thing” for him based on his reaction to seeing me appear. I explained that entertaining it was opening the door to her whether he disagreed or not. He stupidly seemed to think that even if she did like him, he didn’t like her so could handle it if she tried. (And what - have all your team think your wife is an idiot? (As are you!) Nope!)

I think the key here is, when spoken with, my husband cut her off. They speak when they have to now and she quit trying to sit with him or be overly friendly. He went out with day drinks solo with three of his female colleagues (all married, engaged or one lesbian) and I don’t mind at all - I don’t dislike him having female friends, just not ones with agendas! 🙃

He is definitely aware of your POV, OP - he is just angry at being challenged.

Your friend is just giving you a warning shot across the bow, a heads up. She’s thought about it and given you a version which she thinks is enough for you to act, without telling you straight he’s having an affair. She doesn’t want you to shoot the messenger, but she doesn’t want you to be made to look a fool, so she’s given you a light version of events. She’s a good friend.

At the very minimum, he’s having an emotional affair, and that’s why he doesn’t want to give it up. He’s emotionally connected.

Oh god yeah, I sometimes take a shine to men who aren’t anything like my husband (I love my husband and he’s that hands on dad who is super involved, gentle etc I just like looking sometimes and thats it).

She may just be a bit lonely if her DH isn’t very present. Doesn’t mean she actually wants your husband, it may just be that he makes himself very available to her and she enjoys the company if she’s alone with the kids all the time. She may genuinely think he’s just a very good friend (I mean being brutally honest very few women wouldn’t have an inkling even if they didn’t say it out loud).

Your husband however has definitely developed a thing for her. Most men aren’t this bloody helpful to women they aren’t super interested in. Dh is extra nice to Dd’s close friends mums and will be a gent while he’s there but basically thats it. he has done playdates when I’m out of the country but it’ll be meeting up somewhere outside.

I’m really sorry, this is really horrible and heartbreaking. But honestly it may also come to nothing. I know that sounds contradictory but often people enjoy the excitement but stop short when they realise what they are doing,

Op they are having an affair! My exdh did exactly the same! Kick him out and leave them to it! Watch how quickly it all falls apart! The gaslighting and mind games is horrendous…don’t put up with it anymore.

At least an emotional affair. As another pp says, don’t be amazed if you break up (how can he possibly redeem the situation?!) and within a matter of weeks, they move in together. Intolerable situation.

I’m really sorry, OP, but I don’t see how you can recover this one given his stonewalling.

I'd go so far as to change schools or do the drop.iff/pick ups myself (or get another parent/childminder to)

@LDFem I think you should be spending your energy getting your head around the fact that your “h” doesn’t give a damn about your feelings.
Then what it means for your marriage . He is prioritizing another women before his wife.
once your head is sorted have the conversation with him and tell him this is going to be the end of your marriage and mean it .

Sounds like he has feelings for her and his head is elsewhere op.

Burner phone.

You mean a school dad? Probably because it'd send the wrong messages if she started inviting him over when her kids are at school, going for coffee and walks in the woods... would come across that she was interested in him and probably upset his partner..

I was in a very similar situation. I played the 'cool wife' for far too long and when I did confront, they just went underground.

I should have just looked at his phone when I had my suspicions. Be aware that there may be hidden chats (with messages automatically set to delete when read) or even a burner phone.

I was so naive. It was when the play dates stopped that the physical affair started - hotel rooms in the middle of the day, snatched moments in the car etc.

He's gaslighting you. If I could go back in time, I would have got my ducks in a row and ended the marriage. In reality, I allowed them to control the narrative for far too long and I was a fool.

If he is insisting it is nothing and wont change then he is not willing to give her up.

and this is a person you threw you friends over for. Men who say you can’t be friends with the opposite sex say that because THEY can’t. So any friendship he has with a woman is a red flag.

Why?
why uproot the kids the twat if a husband will
find a way to. He’s not worth all the upset
Poor kids

He’s not addressing it. So time to pop round to hers. I would knock on the door, be really calm and say stay away from my husband. If I catch you doing it again you and I are going to fall out.

I can bet my life on it all coming out if you leave him and they will announce within week that they are together.
Something is definitely happening under your nose. And it’s at least an emotional affair …

Id lob a bomb into the situation and force it to a head. Message the other woman's husband and pretend you're at fault and let him wade in and shake it up.

"Hi X, LDFEM here, I hope you don't mind me reaching out out of the blue. As you know, my husband and your wife spend a lot of time together and texting and whilst it's bothered me in the past, another school parent has expressed concerns and I'm getting that nagging feeling again that something isn't right. I'm guessing due to the distance between you and your wife, you have absolute trust between you and I wondered if you had any advice on how to better handle the increasing concerns about their relationship?"

Ultimately it doesn't change facts. He's either totally just seeing her as a friend or he is emotionally involved and has no interest in being with you unless as a backstop. Only you know. But I'd so the above to pull it into the open..

Sorry but you're a doormat. The fuck would he kick me out of my own bed when HE is the one who has done wrong. Tell him you are sleeping in the bed tonight, and that's it and that's final. He has two choices; the sofa, or sleep in the bed beside you. That's it. Also tell him you are filing for divorce.