Husband got v close to school mum

[LDFem]

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

Yes he absolutely does owe it to you but he’s not going to give it to you. Instead of trying to make him empathise with you and reassure you, I think you’d be better off recognising that he simply isn’t willing to for whatever reason. You need to decide if you’re happy living with a man who dismisses you and blames you for your (very normal) reaction to him getting close to another woman. He’s disregarded your feelings and he should be apologising to you and offering comfort.

He's not prioritising you OP. He's not looking at you as an equal, his team mate, his love. Right now, he sees you as getting in the way of him doing what he wants. He's a selfish, disrespectful little man.

Time to prioritise yourself and leave him.

I don't know, I'd rather look like a crazy wife in front of a woman I don't know than be divorced. She is also married, ask her if is using your husband as a crutch for her own relationship failings (you say her H works 7 days a week).

I am beginning to think that contacting her husband might not be a bad idea

Is there any way you can check his phone? I highly suspect an emotional affair and maybe even they’ve been physical.

You've had a lot of very good advice OP.

My twopenneth: in a similar situation I confronted an ex about a particular 'friendship' and he said 'why are you calling her names, you know nothing about her' and I thought 'oh, but I do now because you've just told me EVERYTHING'.

The worst thing you can do with a gaslighter is start doing the job for them.

Phone your solicitor ASAP.

He's having an affair. Sorry OP.

And yes, I've been there. Was so gaslit it made me extremely unwell for a very long time.

Kick him out.

I remember your thread last year. And you knew like the rest of us, it wasn't good. But you sound smart, strong, switched on and you have a good, loyal friend in that other mum. Can she tell you anything more, without involving her?

But either way, his behaviour towards you is deplorable, disloyal... He treats you wit contempt and disrespect. No-one should put up with that from their partner. It'd be a hard no from me. I think you know that too... I'm sorry the situation never improved OP.

I always think people should be very careful before issuing ultimatums - but OP, if you’re prepared for him choosing her in a “it’s her or me” conversation , then at least it would bring the situation to a head .

But i appreciate that’s a scary thing to do and you may not feel ready to do this.

Are you getting all this good side of him as well or is it just reserved for his special friend?
It doesn't matter if she wants him, he is making it clear that this "friendship" is a priority over your marriage.
You don't need any evidence or proof of anything, being unhappy is reason enough to leave.
BTW if you click on the quote button under the message we can see who you're replying to

I'm sorry but this absolutely screams affair. Emotional at the very least. Playdates without your kids and walks in the woods??!! Absolutely NOT normal. They both know what they're doing. I would be going nuclear. Does he work? If they are both SAHP they may be hanging back as they don't want to lose their cosy lives but my goodness they are having their cake and eating it. Raging on your behalf. I don't think you even need to see messages the pure disrespect from him is enough to be kicking him out for. If he wants to save this marriage he needs to cut contact, be extremely apologetic and find a marriage therapist ASAP. I would be making this very clear.

Sorry I didn’t realise that’s how to respond to an individual comment, silly me! I rarely experience the ‘knight in shining armour’ treatment that other women receive from him, this one in particular obviously. He is always quick to help anyone but I only get to observe that behaviour with others. He is quite comfortable letting me do all the housework, pay the bills, cook all the meals, do the majority of bedtimes etc.

The possibilities here are

• they are having a full-blown affair but don't (yet?) want to leave their families
• they are having an emotional affair where at least one of them is prioritising the feelings and relationship with the other ahead of the feelings and relationship with their own partner
• at least one of them has feelings for the other, they may not have acted on it yet, and if the other doesn't reciprocate the feelings they are enjoying being desired

All of those are a betrayal and sign of disloyalty to you and your family to some degree. It may be possible to overcome and get the relationship back on track but not if your husband refuses to acknowledge there is an issue.

By allowing it to become a source of curiosity and gossip at school, after you have told him how you feel and tried to put boundaries down is disrespectful. You are not overreacting. I do think it is worth going for a counselling session. And going alone if he won't engage.

Do bear in mind the primary childcare position if it comes to a split.

@onwards2025

do you then go for wood walks after?

Stop minimising the OP’s concerns. We have instincts for a reason.

I work full time, he works a few hours a week so does the school drop offs and pick ups. It’s the only way we can pay the bills otherwise I would take over that role in a heartbeat and perhaps none of this would have happened.

I’m so sorry but this has every hallmark of an affair. He is refusing to engage because he does not want to give up the ego kibbles and validation he is getting from this OW.

He is protecting their relationship not yours.

I’d tell her partner, give her something to deal with while you deal with getting your ducks in a row.

You deserve better!

You know he's an adulterer, right? He's definitely having an affair. Everything he did even without that, was not ok. But there's pretty much zero chance they're not having it off, and if by some miracle they are not actually having sex, it's because she hasn't quite let him. Yet.

Tell her partner, get a lawyer.

The more you post about him the more he sounds like absolutely worthless garbage. No only has he taken you for granted and has you only as a housekeeper, cook and maid, he has no love for you only contempt. The marriage has run it's course. Gather your self respect and leave. You deserve better.

I agree, how long do you want to live like this for OP?
You have choices, you carry on in this relationship and be miserable while he takes the piss or you leave, which will be difficult in the short term but so much better in the long term.

PS. The quote thing is not obvious, you're not silly

My ex was like this. I really think that this would be enough for me to leave. My husband is not like this at all.

Seriously, what are you doing with this man????

He sounds like a complete and utter beg. Would make me physically sick to see my husband sucking up to other women and being useless at home.

It sounds like the only reason he hasn’t left is because he’s got it very cushty at the moment..

Hang on so he doesn't really work, your child is school age, and yet you do the housework and cooking?

What does he do,except flirt inappropriately (as best) with school mum?

Why are things this way?

This sounds like a shite relationship

Don't you dare blame yourself ir let him turn this around on you. Nope. Ps if it wasn't school drop off it wouks be another activity. He has massively overstepped

He’s offering you shit on a stick and her his most helpful, bend himself backwards self, and that’s before you even factor in the fact he’s at best crossed a number of your boundaries, and at worst is having an affair. What do you think you’re holding on for? Are you worried that if he leaves he’ll likely to go to her and then pretend it wasn’t happening before, which sadly is likely. If so you need to try to remember he isn’t whoever he was before and he’s no prize just because someone else wants him.