Husband got v close to school mum

[LDFem]

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

i would be getting evidence, screenshots. Pics. Following them. Get finances sorted. Evidence his income. Ducks in a row. Then get him out. He is completely disrespecting you and is not caring how you feel. They are totally at it. She doesn’t give a fk either. Then fact other people are telling you this, don’t be a doormat. Get him out. I’m sorry op to be blunt but he is abusing u

Ducks in a row and all that. What about her husband?

Have you spoken to her husband about your concerns, and thoughts of other people

Sounds more like a gossip to me

Get in contact with her husband & tell him whats going on ,go to her house & speak to her she's crossing your boundaries put a stop to it ... I'd leave to be honest but I wouldn't have let it get this far , walks in the wood with my husband?? Not unless you want to be buried there .

I worked at the same office as my husband for a short time and walking onto his office floor one day to go for lunch to hear the tone of his deep voice and a loud female laughing her head clean OFF at whatever he’d just said . As I appeared round the corner out of the entranceway, I didn’t even make it close enough to his desks (huge huge office floor)to have seen who it was and he’d shot across the office to meet me before I got there. It as obvious even he’d realised she was flirting with him by his reaction to seeing me and I immediately said - wtf was that. Absolutely not. Everyone knew I worked in the legal team at the company so she knew he was married. He said “she’s with someone and has been for years, she has kids” etc. I told him nope, do NOT lie to me and say even the way she was laughing at you there wasn’t a desperate attempt for attention - I don’t care if she’s with someone - we both know that doesn’t matter to some people. Does she try to sit next to you to save you a desk next to her? He said yes. I said 100% done. Do not sit next to her at work. (It’s a huge office/team and they all hot desk) Do not go for coffees or lunch or pop downstairs with just her for the “freebies” we get at work, do not go for lunchtime walks with her. You’re not talking about or listening to her problems or how you’re doing. There’s are 20 men of various ages or secure married women you could do all of the above with and she can speak to the many women her age in your team - I am not having an insecure woman mooning over my husband (he’s handsome, intelligent and has a lovely positive personality - it’s why I married him!) and him subtly entertaining it, then coming shocked to me WHEN (not if) she throws herself at him on a staff night or the Christmas party. Nope. I am similarly someone who because I’m quite bubbly and positive I ALWAYS get someone mooning at me because I’m nice (no one on ones purposefully by me!) and they always pounce at the Christmas do and I have to leave so I know the signs myself….!

I was shortly leaving the company and working hundreds of miles away and had to make my feelings clear! I think it helped that I’d worked there for 4.5 years, was well liked and everyone knew when he started he was my husband e.g. they’d see him a mile off if he over stepped and tell me about it as I had good friends working there across a lot of teams, including the senior team! You’re in a similar situation if other mums will also tell you.

Regardless of my leaving or knowing people, he immediately agreed with what I said. Agreed she did probably have a little crush on him and after that he avoided her entirely.

People can have friends of the opposite sex, but we all know when there’s a hint of something more. I’m afraid if he seems to be entertaining it - ultimatum is the only way. He has no reason to even speak to this woman due to work or your children. Zero tolerance.

I was, before they started their own closer friendship without me.

I have thought hundreds of times about talking to him, even seeing how both of them would feel if he and I were to act the same way but at the end of the day I think it’s my husband who owes me respect not her. It feels like speaking to her partner (they’re not married) could make me look like the crazy jealous wife?

So after not a single word since Friday afternoon, last night I asked DH to sleep on the sofa and let me have the bed given he hasn’t once tried to speak to me or repair and he flat out refused. I therefore slept on the sofa as though I am the one who has ignored his boundaries and compromised his reputation. If I say anything there is always a response to blame me (asked why he hadn’t tried to talk to me all day and he said ‘why didn’t you try talking to me?’)…It is a never ending cycle and I am absolutely exhausted. How on earth do I get him to see my point of view?

I get what you’re saying and if, in the scenario you share, my husband hadn’t explicitly told me that doing that makes him uncomfortable then that would be fine but this has been over a year of getting what I consider to be too close and then ignoring the fact I feel that way over clearly telling him over and over again that she is the only parent I feel uncomfortable with him being near. There are lots of lovely parents at the school, there is no reason for him and her to make a bee line for each other to the extend that other parents are warning me about it, surely?

I don’t think the meet ups are happening anymore but when they did they would be with her preschool toddler, not with the children we have that go to school together. He invited her to our house for a ‘play date’ with just the toddler when we don’t have any other children. That seemed particularly weird.

His desire to continue his relationship with her is clouding his judgement, priorities and loyalty. He needs to be shocked in to swift realisation that this isn’t acceptable.

What is your relationship with his parents like? Does he have a sister you can confide in who could help.

Why is he doing this to you and your kids!?

He already sees your point of view. You don't need to do anything else to get him to see it. He's deflecting from it because he doesn't want to have to stop what he chooses to do. Your discomfort isn't important to him.

Mine was exactly the same. He was ‘supporting’ her when her marriage broke up and she said he was her best friend.

Was such relief when I caught them kissing as it was driving me crazy. He just doubled down and got more sneaky whenever he was confronted.

If he’s having a play date (😒) with her when he has no children in the house that’s enough evidence. What man ever has a small child over for their own fun when their house is child free?

He won’t admit anything BUT you don’t need to have the evidence. It’s already enough that he’s prioritising this relationship over your peace of mind. It’s disrespectful.

Mine did this twice. Once at work and once with a neighbour: We’re separated now. Not what he wanted. He would rather have had the fun and the marriage but that was up to me to decide.

I think I’d set clear boundaries, and be very clear about them. I messaging and no meet ups or play dates. Tell him if you find out he’s done any of these you’ll consider it cheating. id then drop it for a while, but I’d keep a very close eye on him. I know it’s very non mn, but have you got access to his phone?

Whilst things happening I’d also get my ducks in a row, chances are he won’t stick to those boundaries

I had this exact problem 4 years ago and after spending a year fighting for our marriage alone he finally admitted he had feelings for school mum/ my ex friend so I kicked him out because along with gaslighting, making me do everything for our children, silent treatment and being checked out of the relationship, he was giving all his emotional energy to her so was having an emotional affair. I honestly thought I was going crazy until he admitted it
After a year of messing me around and keeping me hanging he started a physical relationship with her that crashed and burned pretty epically soon after 😂.
My advice would be leave, he's not invested in your relationship anymore and you are worth so much more than being treat like a nuisance or the problem because you are not, he is

Could he claim primary custody?
If so and its not what you want I'd sit down shut up and change your work arrangements and get your ducks in a row.

As hard as it will be (fear of the truth will likely make you not want to) I'd tell him I'm not sitting and waiting for an affair to happen. He has 2 really simple choices; either he starts couples counselling now or you start the process of separating and divorce.
HIS choice not yours. He can either spend one little hour a week talking to someone or he can end his marriage because he CBA to even do that.

Right now, He literally gives zero shits about how you feel all he cares about is his "friendship" 🙄
If he is so fucking lonely go to dads playgroups or Men's Sheds....Not have an emotional leading to physical affair with a school mum.

You arent crazy or overreacting dont waste 2 yrs of your life (if youre 40, 2 yrs is about 5% of your time left on this earth!!!) waiting for this to finally blow up
Dont let him make you doubt yourself.

I am not having an insecure woman mooning over my husband
What a very weird take on the event you described! Your husband was flirting with someone in the office, saw you and ran across the room in guilt. I dont think he would have been at all surprised if he accidentally shagged her at the Christmas do.

@brunettenorthern91

He’s not particularly interested in putting any effort into his actual marriage is he? Maybe text him and say this isn’t sustainable, you don’t seem interested in how I feel, should I just give up and see a lawyer?

I wouldn't believe a word he says right now. And get back into your own bed. If you want space from him then he sleeps on the sofa. Do you have a ring doorbell? How come he has so much time on his hands?

There weren't any other children there, so it wasnt the toddler’s play date.

He needs to back away from the friendship. You don’t need to be married to him and he needs to understand that. The person that is doing the gaslighting is him op. I think the fact that he is punishing you for calling out his behaviour speaks volumes. You should be able to talk about this like adults. It sounds like you can’t stand up to him. Can you che k his phone in this situation I think you need validation as he is not going to admit it.

It seems like it's some type of affair, either emotional or physical. If it meant nothing then he would have cut it off. The fact that you've not spoken in 14 days means he can't and has indirectly chosen her over you....worrying

Speak to her then. Say you are being approached by other mums and to back off. Then divorce the gaslighter.

I don't see the point of couples counselling. He is most likely having some type of affair. What is there to talk about? The only talking that should be done is with a lawyer