Husband got v close to school mum

[LDFem]

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

He doesn’t respect you and neither does this other woman. Does the other woman actually want him? I bet she’s just in this for the power aspect. Does she want to be in a relationship with him when he has his kid staying half the time? Get legal advice on leaving your dh. He’ll realise what he’s lost when his other woman doesn’t seem such a prize without the cheating aspect. She’ll leave him as well.

This.

He knows exactly what he's doing. He knows it's distressing you yet still continues with the behaviour and then gaslights you. What a controlling twat.

The other woman doesn't really have a DP because he works 7 days a week so she is lonely. They can both f off

It sounds like he simply doesn’t care about your feelings. About you.

He’s lost sight of what matters because his actions are threatening his marriage and, when you do pull the plug, he’s going to either see what he’s done, or get together with her (be prepared).

Ultimately, regardless of her, he’s showing a lack of respect and care towards you. I think he’s emotionally detached from the marriage.

It sounds like you’re screaming into the void OP which is a horrible position for your DH to put you in. As others have said, if he had even one ounce of respect for you he would pull back on this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

@LDFem, you’re beating a dead horse. Your H knows exactly what he’s doing and exactly why you’re unsettled about this particular woman, but he doesn’t care.

In my view this is an emotional affair (at the least) that started in early 2024 when they sidelined you and began building intimacy via their intense contact — frequent messaging, coffee dates, walks in the woods, and cozy meet-ups in your home. His totally dismissing your feelings and pretending to misunderstand your boundaries show his determination to prioritize OW and protect their relationship instead of your marriage.

Your friend is a godsend. She and the others are clearly alarmed at H and OW’s ‘coupley’ behavior, and she had the courage and respect to inform you. If they are currently so blatant, then it’s highly unlikely that their alone-time and messaging ever ceased. It’s probable that things have escalated during the past year, but he’s not about to admit that to you.

Look how contemptuously he is still treating you. He is still gaslighting and stonewalling you, and has no empathy or remorse about his line crossing or about making a public mockery of you and your children. He is bullying and punishing you to make you STFU and move back into your lane.

@LDFem, your H is a cheater who has no intention of giving up his girlfriend. I would strongly advise you to consult a solicitor and make a definitive exit plan.

Here’s the question you have to ask yourself. Are these the actions of someone who loves you?

He is happy risking his marriage to see her. That says it all really. He'd rather spend time with her even if it makes you, unhappy and is so blarant about it that other people are gossiping. Only a simpleton would think this was innocent. They have either had an affair or are planning to have an affair. I would be so enraged I couldn't carry on with the relationship and I'd be having a chat to her husband about the gossip.

Do they see each other away from drops offs at school?

Actually, I'd be looking for a hidden phone.

I can’t fathom why a good husband who loves you would dig his heels in so much over a woman who isn’t his wife. It speaks volumes.

Yes, men and women can be friends, but you know a normal friendship when you see one.

Goodness me, are you overblowing all this? Why are you believing another gossipy mum, rather than your own husband. My husband was a stay at home dad for 10 years 30 years ago, and made friends with several women during that time. Socialising at the school gate and activities with the kids seems fine to me. Why not invite her and husband over one weekend for a BBQ, This would reassure you and demonstrate to the gossips that all is well. You need to talk to your husband too and highlight what seems to be happening in terms of other people's views. And we all wonder why is it still so difficult for the man to take on full caring role. Unfortunately comedies like Motherland don't help either.

And I’d bet any money that her excuse for their friendship would be “my husband doesn’t understand me”…………I heard that exact phrase years ago when I found out that a woman was getting close to my husband - now my ex. We were all away for a weekend and I discovered them having a cosy chat ….she soon left and I asked him what it was about, he claimed she needed to talk to someone. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I thought she was a friend who just needed support.
Found out months later that she was visiting our home whilst I was at work……….for a lot more than support. He is now my ex and she wasn’t the only one he was “supporting”,

you shouldn’t have given up your platonic male friendships.

That really sounds just like an excuse to see each other.

I think you need to be prepared that this is ab Affair ,Sneaking off to the woods,cosy chats.Its all a bit convenient .I would start to make plans to leave .You are being cuckolded

And here comes the Cool Girl.
Yeah That was how I tried to shut down my own suspicions when my DH was having his affairs.
Did your SAHD have women over with their children when his were at school? Thought not.

Regardless of all of the issues with this other woman, one thing stands out to me. He doesn't want to listen to your side, point of view, feelings etc. This is the biggest red flag. He's not your team.

Can I just say, a play date when there is only one child is a play date for the parents, not the child. I think I can imagine what they were “playing”.

He’s currently In the middle of a major gaslighting campaign, and I can’t imagine he’s going to abandon that now. I’d give him an ultimatum. Couples therapy or we’re done.

"How on earth do I get him to see my point of view?" - you can't. He doesn't want to see it. It's too inconvenient for him. He is either having or had an affair. You're getting a version of 'the script'. He will play the victim.

Ah OP, none of this sounds very positive. Are you able to sneak a look at his phone? Personally if someone I trusted told me to watch my husbands friendship with another woman I’d be reading the riot act.

What?

I would go back to your original male friends he forced you to drop and rekindle those friendships

If it wasn’t for everything before these comments from the other parent (backed up by someone else) then I would be less concerned but everything that happened last year and now this makes it harder to dismiss; however the bigger issue is the disregard for my boundaries and way he has stonewalled and gaslit me repeatedly.

Her husband is absent a lot of the time so she wants yours.
Line in the sand - speak to both of them separately and tell them what needs to happen.