I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

You need to speak up for yourself. Tell everybody in your life that you’ve been spending too much and letting yourself be a pushover and that is now stopping.

Then stop.

Your relationship doesn’t sound great but your partner makes a good point that if you voluntarily shower them with gifts which they haven’t asked for, then resent them for how much you’ve spent on them, that’s your fault and not theirs.

Spend less on other people.

Good grief. No doubt it's the same one. Honestly OP what are you getting out of this?

If it's the same one, she's getting 'great sex'.

And as she says in this thread 'I knew what I was signing up for'.

So in order to get great sex, she's splashing the cash and trying to appear wealthier than she really is.

There's an awful lot of this sort of thing about, although it's normally old men trying to buy younger girlfriends.

What the actual fuck!!
Sorry @Tiredbut but that is NOT love bombing or abandoning them…..
Youve been nice and supportive and SHE has taken the utter the piss out of you!!
Tell her it isn’t working the way things are and you’re not happy with paying for food for her friends and family…. If they come again they need to bring their own wine and pay for their own takeaways… if she pushes back tell her you owe her friends nothing!!….. in fact they all need to pay for YOUR takeaways for the next god knows how many times!!….. bet they don’t come again!
You don’t owe your partner shit…. You’ve paid for her to be diagnosed and you’ve splashed the cash…. The relationship isn’t sustainable as it is… so she either stops bringing friends round or she fucks off!

She is emotionally abusing you!! You are walking on egg shells around her…..
I can’t see how staying in this mess is easier than making some excuse up and ending it!…
Tell her you want to spend time with the kids over the holidays without her.. tell her when kids are at their dads you just want some quiet time alone… phase it out over a
few weeks…. Make up some issue and say you’re sorry but you can’t be in a relationship right now as need time to process something personal…
If she abused arguments that last weeks on end just call it a day during one of those arguments and tell her that you can’t cope with the constant arguments … that you clearly make her unhappy so you’re ending it as together you’re not right !!…. Anything but get this toxic person out of your life and never introduce her to your kids!!!

Easy… stop buying wine in. Don’t have anything in for them to drink.
if they hint they’re hungry give them the telephone number of the local Chinese and say ‘I paid last time, whose turn is it this time?!’…..
OR pull out the money for yours and say I’ve got cash for mine, who’s ordering?!…. OR have crisps and peanuts in the house, Chuck them in a bowl on the table and don’t cave into offering anything else at all!!… ignore the hints…. Without wine being available they’ll all poss off anyway !
if your partner says you’re rude tell her that it’s very rude of her to bring people round expecting you to supply them with food and drink at great financial cost to you…. In fact better than that…. Tell her not to bring people to your house again!!!! It’s not her place to be inviting others to your house… it’s actually disgusting!
where does she live when she’s not sponging off you? Maybe ask her how she’d feel if you turned up there with 3 friends expecting her to pay £100 for pizza and wine!

I voted YABU because you’re being unkind to yourself. These people have found a good thing and are not necessarily your friends but are happy to take free food and takeaways and not reciprocate.

You deserve better so starting saying no, I can’t afford it this time, I have a big bill coming up and I’m being careful. They’ll either understand and pitch in and if they enjoy your company they’ll stick around.

If not you have your answer. But you deserve better.

I put that you are being unreasonable, which you are, you are being unreasonable to yourself. Get rid and run a mile, you are being used and deep down I think you know it.

End it.

She won’t because apparently fantastic sex is worth getting well and truly mugged off for.

Though tbh the money she’s throwing at this freeloader, she might as well have paid a prostitute for sex, it would be cheaper

Before you order takeout, wine, holidays, you mention this is £ per head, is everyone able to pay before I order?

This should stop people taking advantage of your good nature. That's a lot of money you have paid out in a short space of time.

If they are skint and no money to pay for anything, how is it embarrassing to say your in same boat? If you think they will leave if you can't afford to keep them, then they should go

I think the lack the responses after a few pages, and general lack of spine, even with all of the excellent advice given, shows it is the same OP.

If you’re worried about saying no, you can opt out of going for meals. This is what I do with some family who never pay their way.

But I’m glad you’re realising that your partner is behaving so badly. A good partner protects their partner, including financial exploitation. Stip
paying for her as well.

I must admit, having given heartfelt and painstakingly worded advice, it is a bit galling that she has not immediately changed her life for the better and acknowledged the crucial role I had to play in that! 😂😂😂

Lol what? The OP has responded 20
times. Her last post gave a clear indication of what she’s going to do next (below). What more do you want from her?

Guys in all seriousness I am taking on board your comments. I’m going to reframe my own way of spending and in turn what I’m willing to spend on others. Huge Thank you to you all! I have a lot to process

She said this on all the previous threads with the same drama.
Cant wait for the next one.

@Tiredbutthis is a bit late but regarding the explosions from your partner - I’ve just finished reading THE EXPLOSIVE CHILD (I have an ADHD child) and honestly you might want to give it a read for suggestions on dealing with people who have these kinds of issues. I appreciate she’s an adult but if she’s only recently diagnosed, your relationship with her might still benefit from some of the strategies in that book.

Odd (not to say stereotypical) generalisation to make based off MN...I've been here several years & rarely see lesbian relationship advice posts...

It's always an option to end a relationship

You're in a relationship with an aggressive woman who is financially exploiting you. Whatever else you need to address first you need to end this relationship. 6 months is nothing either, it's still dating. Tell her it's over, do it in a public place where you will feel safe, take a friend if necessary but end it decisively because it doesn't sound like it's a loving and supportive relationship and will only get worse

They are not moving me readers if you don't tell them the problem it will never resolve on its own

If you're not prepared to do anything about the situation,just crack on and don't moan about it...You need a wake up call.Give your head a wobble.I don't mean this in a nasty way,but you're not helping yourself.

Very well said

Tiredbut, just checking in thatyou’re ok? Understand if you don’t want to engage any further on this thread, as you’ve received a lot of good advice and it’s your decision completely how to move forward, but given you said your partner is aggressive just hope you’re ok

Hope that you have established some boundaries and that she has left, she is wiping her feet on you.